The place where night meets day is the place where troubles melt away. From the fullest of moon to the darkest of night, we can unload our burdens at the in-between light. In-between light, should you look left or look right, will show you your god-self and beast-self as one. From the darkest of terrors to the purest of thought, you may finally accept the creature of light that you are.
by i2097i
The above was written because I have started to figure out a very important part of my pattern. I definitely get trauma-triggered by a large number of things (see timeline below). When that happens, I get flooded with bad emotions. My brain goes searching for reasons why I'm feeling bad and that brings up any number of other bad emotions. This can go on for days sometimes. I am able to function but not very well. Then, finally, I start to remember my arsenal of self care coping mechanisms. Things such as CBT, chocolate, being really nice to myself, meditative techniques, etc. I start using them and sure enough I am able to pull out of it.
The poem I wrote is about the switch. I call it going from survival brain back to normal brain. I will get back to that.
I wanted to introduce myself. I am a 33 year-old divorced father of 3. I was diagnosed with asperger's and ptsd earlier this year. I am a computer programmer and I love rubik's cubes, violin, and various other interesting things. I have a history of mental, physical, and emotional abuse in my past which the asperger's diagnosis is really helping with understanding my emotional processes.
Timeline:
10/2018: maternal grandmother passed away
2/22/2019: younger brother kills himself
3/2019: maternal grandfather passed away
7/2019: discover wife's latest affair with close friend
12/2019: separate but still live together
05/2020: she moves out
07/2020: divorce is final
Anyway, back to the poem and the "switch" and all that. I have been noticing a brief period either entering or leaving survival brain when am sort of aware of what is happening. It is easier to talk about the "coming out" of survival brain rather than "going in" because of the positive associations so that's the approach I'm going to take.
During this brief period that usually lasts a few minutes, I am able to trace back my most recent thought process that was going on in survival brain. Maybe it was worrying that my girlfriend was cheating on me because of a bunch of loosely tied together clues. So I can remember that thread of thought. While at the same time, I start to remember all of the good things. I signed up for a college class this fall, my last violin session was really in tune! Interactions with the kids have been fine despite me feeling crappy (this is a huge win and it is becoming the norm lately).
You get the picture. It is the twilight period between an anxiety-filled experience and one that is pretty much normal (or whatever that means for me).
Anyway, not looking for any specific feedback. I just thought it was very meaningful for me and maybe some people could relate. I also wanted to offer something that I consider valuable along with my introduction.
i2097i
26 Apr 2021, 9:47 pm
