Newly diagnosed (23f) having difficulties accepting myself

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Hi everyone,
I'm a newly diagnosed autistic female. I am 23 years old and I live in Canada. At first, this was mostly a relief and I was happy that I finally connected the missing pieces of things that didn't make sense in my life. I started off being proud of myself but now, as I go through my part-time job in retail and try to find my place in the world, I realize how disadvantaged I really am compared to my neurotypical coworkers and I'm having a hard time with that concept. Even when people know of my diagnosis and I explain it to them, they still expect me to act, behave and perform like a neurotypical woman would and refuse to provide me with accommodations or opportunities because of it.

For example, I explained to my boss today how I find working cash really exhausting and feel that I would be much better working stock but he said something along the lines of "if you have a hard time working cash, why do you think you'll have an easier time working stock?". He then compared me to my neurotypical coworkers and commented on how he doesn't believe I would do well because I don't "take as much initiative" as them.

I pointed out that it's hard to take initiative when I'm exhausted. It's conversations like this that really derail my confidence in myself. What's the point of saying you're an accepting workplace when you don't accept disabled people? when you think they're not as good for business? On top of all that, another coworker of mine who just started working with us who is more "obviously on the spectrum" has his behavioural interventionist with him and he's working stock/in the back. It just reminded me of what the ASD specialist said about people who hide their autism better and get diagnosed later- that research shows that they have a harder time than those who are more "visibly" autistic because the world doesn't expect neurotypical standards from those individuals while they do expect neurotypical standards from us. How is it that when I literally confront my boss about this, my boss who has a son on the spectrum, he still seems to want to treat me like I'm neurotypical?

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP and congratulations on the diagnosis. It is wonderful to understand your life better.

Regarding work? I dunno. I was not diagnosed until shortly before my 65^th birthday. However, I managed to retire at age 56...which means I'd muddled my way through my work career suspecting a difference between me and the other folk but not knowing what it was, or even if I was just imagining things.

And, yes, I was unhappy the vast majority of my work life. (Throw in a part-time side job for more than a decade to add to the discomfort.) From where I am now, retired, I'm glad I persevered. Having adequate money during my work years was convenient and now having adequate money without working is wonderful!

You are correct that having the correct job is important to being content. And I understand that looking for a new job would be incredibly unpleasant...I pretty much avoided it by working in large organizations that mostly moved me around (within the organization) to meet their needs. If you do decide to hunt for another job I suspect you should be sure you have it before you ditch the current job, if possible. Having adequate money is convenient.

But keep your eye on the long-term goals. Adequate money and retirement with adequate money, and necessary benefits before and after retirement. Unfortunately, the unhappiness is sort of an investment...and I agree it is unpleasant...most of my work career I was unhappy, and sometimes really unhappy.

Yes, I think you are right that you would perform better in a back room working stock. But I think you are taking the wrong approach. Using your spectrum as a deficit to change how you think people should treat you, in my humble opinion, is the wrong approach.

You have a skill set and they are different than most NTs. If you position yourself into your skill set, you will produce better and be more of an asset to your company. You will perform better. So where does that leave you?

I have worked many jobs in my lifetime. I enjoy work. Some jobs suit me better and I excel. Other jobs, no so much. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Chose a job that utilizes your strength and avoid jobs that focus on your weaknesses.

Find your niche in life.

When I looked up the word niche on the internet it said:

people struggling to find something need to improve their looking skills. They need to do more experiments with their lives and more passionately invest in those experiments. Far too many people dream about a different situation but take little action, and the actions they do take are by half, with one foot always on the ground. They never realize it’s their lack of commitment that causes the emptiness that disappoints them. But of course there are no guarantees: it’s always possible you’re looking for something that doesn’t exist. The rub of being a seeker is the acceptance that not everything can be found.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

diagnosis is like culture shock. suddenly everything we thought we knew and understood is different. Its a lot to sort, stressful and emotional. do your best self care as you work through all of it. welcome and glad you are with us!