hi there

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Hi everyone and thank you for having me.
If I could describe myself in just 3 words, I'd say trauma, empathy and now I'm adding autistic.

I thought my PTSD was the culprit. Since what one would call my nervous breakdown (really just the moment that I felt the pain) 6 years ago, I've traced back every flaw, every inaction, every oddity in my day-to-day life to the moment my mother tried to hurt me as a baby. The empathy is fairly new to be honest - maybe 5 years - and it just happened out of the blue. I remember being quite startled by really sensing how my daughter felt when I said something one day. It hasn't left me since. I don't know how I feel about it, though I accept it as a positive even if it rarely feels good.

I'd been relatively happy with the progress that I'd made though, even if it was far from over - I really worked hard on it.
I've just recently realized at 52 that I have autism. I should have known, but I'm a tunnel-vision guy.
Now my mind is muddied. I am understanding that my autism came first - that took me a couple of months of obsessive rumination

I'm kinda stuck now in the "am I the last one to know?" mindset. This includes those that tried to hurt me. This feels like a weakness to me. The forgiveness I've been able to grant intellectually (for my sanity) feels lost.
Just a horrible pickle I find myself in at the moment and just reaching out for some clarity I suppose.
It's very hard for me to see the big picture - like what do I do now even?

Probably said too much for an intro - my apologies if I've over shared.
Thank you for listening to my rant.

Welcome!

Yes, I've said and done foolish things that haunt me still to this day, at least a few times a day I deal with flashbacks to such events. I've wondered if I possibly do have PTSD as when one of these past events crosses my mind, I get really paranoid and want to hide, if I've been at home I've literally hid under a blanket until the moment has passed.

Over the past 10 years or so, I have had a couple of so-called breakdowns. In 2019, I took a lot of time off work to deal with it and I'm getting over a smaller one right now, trying at least.

People have accused me of living inside my head or having tunnel vision.

As far as how to move forward, its a tough one. I still cannot forgive some people who hurt me, even as far back as JR High and I still feel like I am behind everyone else, despite the fact I've worked really hard on trying to better myself.

Now that I have an answer for why I am the way I am, it does bring things into focus and makes me feel like I am not a total failure or defective. I think as you begin to discover more about autism and how it relates to you, you may start finding things make sense more.

Not sure If I'm being helpful here but again welcome aboard.

Hi Frank, and welcome to WP.
Don't fret about oversharing... It seems to go with the territory. Spend some time lurking and that will become VERY obvious.
Some of us moreso than others. (I'm pointing the finger at myself here...but I'm surely not alone)

Welcome to WP! I hope you find it comfortable.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Nothing wrong with oversharing ... I often use this site as an outlet for whatever's in my life that feels like it can't remain unsaid.

Howdy Howdy Howdy

Ahoy-hoy.

FrankS, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You wrote, "It's very hard for me to see the big picture - like what do I do now even?"
Don't worry about it. You are not broken, but just different. It is almost like you landed on the Wrong Planet."

So what information can I pass on to you. Humans are a very complex life form. I have a condition known as Asperger's Syndrome. Deep down if you looked inside me you would find a child. I never became an adult. I never made the transition from a child to an adult. This normally happens around age 12 but I remain a child but a very, very smart child. I never stopped growing my mind.

This condition is hereditary. If you look deeply in your family and extended family, you may find others like you. It also displays differently between males and females. Females tend to hide the traits better.

You wrote, "I've traced back every flaw, every inaction, every oddity in my day-to-day life to the moment my mother tried to hurt me as a baby."
Interesting, were you ever able to discuss this with your mother? As a child things happen but our brains are not completely developed as a young child and we tend to not understand completely our life story. At age 2 years and 3 months I was placed in a Catholic orphanage along with my sister who was 1 year old at the time. I thought my parents were discarding me. I was too young to understand. Fifty years later I asked my mother why she placed me in an orphanage. She said WHAT, I never placed you in an orphanage? Six months later she came back and said actually Yes I Did. She then explained what was happening. She was about to have another child. The child was going to be born in the winter and the place we lived in was out in the countryside 30 miles from Buffalo, New York and there might be a snowfall that would drop 6 feet of snow and she would be stuck home alone in a blizzard and have a child in a snowstorm. So she was preparing for such an event by finding us a place to stay safe until after the child was born. I was just a little to young to understand what was happening.

This is an example of this type of storm.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Well thank you everyone

I've been spiraling in this loop of my ptsd - but imagining God writing I love you in the sky is a wonderful thing. I wanted to write "hack" but that sounds disrespectful, where I mean as a tool/reminder.
I have a hard time getting out of negative thinking, but I'm working on it. I think the fact that I know now doesn't have to lump more sadness onto me - it's really a gift to know.
There are strengths that come with it that maybe I can tap into. That laser focus currently points to the brokenness I feel - and it has for years.

I've read everyone's replies and am thinking that I just might belong here. (mind blown)
I am having a difficult time browsing through the forums as it all feels so real to me, but that's also what has captured me. There's so much vulnerable honesty here. What an amazing thing! I've never liked small talk - more than likely just because I'm no good at it.

I feel very welcome and encouraged and for that I thank you all.
I look forward to hopefully building some relationships - also something I am no good at.