hi, mom of a 3 yo, just diagnosed and feeling...overwhelmed

Post Reply New Topic

Hi there,

I had heard of Aspergers, and I knew things weren't quite "normal" with my 3 yo, but I guess I wasn't actually expecting a diagnosis when we went to the specialist this morning. I thought I was just being another crazy helicopter parent, spending money to be reassured that he's fine.

So now I'm feeling like I was run over by a truck (even though I stepped into the street when I heard it coming). I'm wondering...what next? Where to? The specialist is connecting us with OT people and support groups but maybe what I want is a crystal ball. Is my sweet little boy going to be on the fringe his entire life? Is "well-adjusted" out of the question? Marriage, kids, all that? At age 3 it takes a lot of attention (or training, I guess) to realize there's really something different going on with him (after all, 3 yo kids are expected to be self-centered and to ramble on) but what about when he's 4...5...6? When the kids decide on playdates. instead of the moms?

What does it mean for our family? The only person I know with a child with Aspergers was a co-worker, years ago, and the whole family was really having a hard time--his son was miserable, highly intelligent, but always being picked on, teased, bullied. Is that how the life proceeds with a child with Aspergers?
Sorry to ramble on, thanks for listening. Must go find more Kleenex. Maybe some gin.

Welcome to WP!

Do you have any programs and services for kids with Asperger's Syndrome in your community? In my part of the world, there
is an excellent facility called the "Kelberman Center for Autism" with many great programs for kids and adults diagnosed with
Asperger's Syndrome.

The Kelberman Center has a first-step Developmental Group for children ages 18 months to three years, a preschool program
for children ages three to five and a program for older school age kids who cannot attend a regular school. There are also, community social and recreational programs and even an Awesome Summer Camp program for kids age 5 to 15 years. Furthermore, the Kelberman Center has many family support services.

Amazingly, some families have moved to my community just so their children can benefit from the many excelllent programs and services that the Kelberman Center provides.

You are your son's best resource and I hope you are able to find the services your son may need.

Best of luck to you!

"Hello," abbyd, and welcome aboard Wrong Planet. You may wish to check out WP's Parents’ Discussion Forum: http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum19.html

Hi, Abby, and welcome! You might feel some support reading this blog: Not Just A Label. Start with her very first post back in 2008, when she first heard about her son's diagnosis and was overwhelmed, like you.

Marriage and kids are definitely not out of the picture for your son; that all depends on so many things, but there's no way to say right now that he'll never marry or have children. Many of us are married and have children, and have managed to find our niche in life.

Overwhelm is normal right now. It'll make way for other things.

When I heard my child's diagnosis, I went into shock and could not speak for a day. Check my post on Hello another "newbie".
The first year I could not think the word "ret*d" without bursting into tears. The next year I could not say the word "ret*d" without crying. My brain got so tired of obsessing over my daughter's problems that I was desperate to have another thought, any thought. So over the years I reached the point where I could joke about my daughter and the things she did. We call her the Wookie. It will take some time, but you will regain equilibrium.

Welcome.

To WrongPlanet!! !

hm... three years old is kindave young to be diagnosed with aspergers... most people i know werent diagnosed till 9 or 10 i wasnt diagnosed until i was 11.

but aspergers is alot different than autism, we can can learn the skills to suceed in the world, it may be very hard (and maybe some medication to help some of the symptoms,) but im 16 and am now pretty social and can do alot myself. however he probably will be made fun of since kids tend to pick on the weird kid at the school (which is what most kids with aspergers are seen as to the nt children) ... if this isnt making any sense what im trying to say is that he may not be as bad as he is now, he can learn how to deal with his aspergers and learn coping methods for life, i did that

Wow, I'm amazed the condition can be recognized at so young an age! I had to discover it for myself at age 30. Rest assured that with the proper care and environment, your child will grow up just fine. I never had that, and I managed.

Aspies can adjust and learn to appear as "normal" or socially accepted, but it will quite probably take much longer for your child to learn and master even basic social skills than it would for an N.T. child.
Aspies will typically be perceived as 'developmentally delayed' by some medical practitioners, though this does not seem like a completely accurate description. 'Unbalanced' may be more appropriate throughout the early years; your aspie child may have a whole bunch of brainpower resources loaded up on one side of his brain, but at the same time, may seem deficient in social/emotional behaviors.

As a father, my best words of encouragement would be simple;

Love him. Don't just tell him you love him, show him. Show him in every word and deed.

Be patient. Often, the harder we try, the harder it gets. An old man on his deathbed once said "Most of the trouble in my life never happened."- Do not waste energy on worry. Worrying about issues either results in A. Wasting energy on something that never happened, or B. Worrying twice, if it does happen.

Be accepting. Your son is an individual. Accept his beautiful gifts that all children have, be it an angelic grin, beautiful eyes, or mechanical aptitude and mathematical prowess. Praise him for it.

Gently and patiently correct inappropriate behavior- but learn how an aspie's mind works first.

Continue to educate yourself about his condition. He will definitely perceive the world very, very differently than you. Indeed, he may feel like a visitor to another planet when trying to adjust to the N.T. world. Learn to adjust your thinking to coincide with what he may likely be thinking and feeling.

Do not personalize aspie idiosyncrasies. Learn emotional detachment from them. Learn to connect with your son on his aspie terms at first. In time, teach him to aspire to connect to you more on your terms. (Be patient- this may never happen, or it may happen very slowly with limited success. )

I have 2 neurotypical daughters, but as an aspie father, I can tell you that the above advice is quite sound for what I have learned about my own needs/desires as I have grown.

I really don't know if extra care and attention would have helped me through childhood, though there is an emptiness within me that has certainly given me a craving for it throughout my life. I was (painfully) forced to learn and adapt to the N.T. world as a means of survival, like many aspies. Also, my family's ignorance and ultimate denial about my Asperger's certainly exasperated my resulting anxiety and depression (the 3 often coexist). In hindsight, I suppose I would be a very different person if I were given special treatment for my condition, were I properly diagnosed as a child; I would have perhaps avoided a lot of suffering, but I am also sure that my growth would have been stunted by my family's inability to provide the necessary structure and understanding that should ideally accompany such treatment. I know they would have dropped me off at therapy, viewing it as a simple and dogmatic weekly chore that would simply clear their consciences and give them a feeling of fulfilling an obligation. You may want to keep this in mind. True growth can only be attained if a child is given the proper balance of love and understanding. Provide a balanced and loving home for him.