Any Aspies with an NT Spouse?

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I am a 43 year old woman with Asperger's Syndrome and I am married to an NT man. He is great, but it has been a struggle for him sometimes.
I would just like to know if there are any Aspies out there (men or women) who are married (especially if your spouse in an NT).

Pretty much, although my wife is a little bit bipolar. I think marriage is hard and beautiful thing a the same time for everyone. My wife may be difficult in certain ways but I'm definitely not always a peach to be around. I'm very lucky to have someone who loves me for who I am especially since it seems a lot of people will write you off at the drop of a hat.

yeah... I know she struggles and suffers because of me but I try. and I she knows i love her.

That is great! It is great that you found someone who loves you. My husband loves me and I am so grateful that he is in my life. He is truly a blessing.

He helps me know what is OK to say in "mixed company" (people other than him and me) and what I should not talk about. He helps me understand people, how they treat me, why they do some things. He also lets me just be me. In fact, he encourages it!

It helps that we are both introverts. We can take our space without the other getting hurt.

Do you think you feel and experience love the way your spouse does? I think my perception of love is different, the feeling is different, I think. But it is still a deep, loyal, devoted bond.

My husband is NT. Sometimes I forget that he loves me (he never says the words) but then I suddenly realize it again with something he says or does.

He helps me to know what to do or say and overall I'm grateful for it but sometimes I feel resentful and think I'm being treated like a child. When I talk to him about it, he says he's not trying to treat me like a child and I believe him. (Sometimes, probably, I act like a child so I guess it does all even out somehow.)

In some ways he makes life easier for me but in some ways he makes life more difficult for me. I think that all evens out somehow, too.

That's one of those deep philosophical questions I'd rather not hurt my head on, but it's definitely love. I'd should also mention that being with my wife has socialized me to a great extent. My asperger's was way more intense before I met her. My wifes biggest complaint has to do with my problems organizing in various ways.

My husband began to seek out as much information as he could find on Asperger's. He is practically an expert now. He is really good at talking to me in ways I can understand.

Our frustrations come when we are each speaking our "language."

I am super organized, but emotions completely baffle me. I don't understand "social norms" and can't "read" people. I tend to say the wrong thing a lot. People ask questions, but they don't want the honest answers.

He helps me a lot and I know that I love him - in my own way. And he says that is the best way of all.

I can relate to recognizing how a person loves you. My husband fixes my coffee to me every single morning and brings it to me (and he gets it right). He knows somehow when I have had a hard day and he sits by me, talks softly and helps me feel better.

I like being married.

If I may jump in here. My estranged husband is NT. For many, many years I thought HE was the one with a problem - messy, illogical, etc. Turns out it wasn't me becuase I'm neat, logical, etc.

Seriously.. (HAHAHA) communication was and is and will be difficult for us. We don't speak from the same plain - he wants me to read all kinds of cues and I can't and I wan't him to say what he means, which he does but not in a way that makes sense to me. I'd think of some better examples but I've been up since 3 - it's 6:20 now.

H.

yes

& she is extremely extraverted too

but we care for a lot of the same things

m.

A special Welkome to WrongPlanet, with a K.

The WP Kink

Hello,
My Wife is NT
And She treats me fairly respectful. I have to admit I’m not the easiest to get along with. Just the other day I told her I was going to punch her in the face if she couldn’t find a parking spot and let me out of the car. I guess I say things like that all the time, not that I ever would do it, but she understands me. That is the key to our relationship. Understanding. I understand she loves me and will do anything for me. She knows I will do any thing for her (literally).
My biggest problem with her is she feels the need to tell her friends about my AS and I’m not so sure I want every one to know.
I’m afraid they will start treating me different than before. But she says they’ll understand. I’m just not too sure about that.
Doe's your NT spouse feel the need to explain you to their friends as well?? How does that make you feel?

My husband is very protective of me and he helps me a lot. I don't care who knows about my AS, but he says that it would be disrespectful of him to tell people. If I want someone to know, he says, I should be the one to decide.

He says that sometimes I am like a little girl and a lot of times when he looks at me he sees a little girl, but he also says I am a genius.

He came up with some rules for me (because he is always telling me "you really shouldn't say that in public - or "mixed company"). Mixed company means people other than him and me.

So, he says there are 3 levels of people.

Level 1 - people on the subway, in the grocery, the cashier in the checkout line, etc.
Level 2 - people I know and talk to regularly like people at church, people at work, etc.
Level 3 - people who I want to be my friend

It isn't a perfect plan, sometimes I confuse the rules, but it does help.

Level 1 - talk about the weather, current events, tell my name (first only), that I work for a federal agency (not the agency name), that I have a dog, that I have kids, etc.
Level 2 - talk about the agency where I work (can give agency name), tell my name (first and last), what I do at work (no details), my kids' names (first only) and ages, the recipes I create, etc.
Level 3 - talk about my AS and the challenges, my opinions on things, etc.

I DO NOT talk about sex or politics.
I talk about religion (I am a Christian) but I can't tell people that they are wrong about things.

When it comes to sex, politics, and religion, I try (though sometimes fail) to only talk about them to people with whom I participate in those activities. So I talk about sex with my husband (and sometimes my doctor, even though she's not someone with whom I participate in sex but she does those sex-related exams so she's "involved" in my sex life, if that makes sense.) I talk about religion with people at church or people who are the same religion as me. And I talk about politics with my academic colleagues (I'm a graduate student in political science.)

When I'm successful at following those rules, I avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict - I don't reveal private sex things to people who could use it against me or who could misinterpret me as "coming on" to them sexually. I don't end up in unpleasant conversations with someone telling me that I'm a heretic or that my religion is the biggest problem in the world today. And I end up discussing politics with people who are "on the same page" as me and have been trained for years in how to discuss politics in a polite, respectful way that doesn't assume that one person is right and the other person is stupid (which has been my experience in discussing politics with many people in the general public.)

My husband tries to help me with social rubrics, but sometimes the things he gives me are just too hard for me to do. For example, I have a big problem with people coming up to me in public and telling me how to live my life. It's usually weird little stuff like the woman who told me I shouldn't ride a bicycle in a skirt because it will get caught in the chain (I have a chain guard for just that reason) and she just wouldn't let me be, kept telling me to wear culottes (yuck!) and shorts (yuck!) and so forth and trying to fix some problem she perceived that I don't actually have. I have no problem riding in a skirt -- I've done it for years -- and it looked like the last time she had ever been on a bicycle was probably 1972 anyway! Well, my husband said that when people start doing this to me, I should say, "do I know you?" and if they say "no, but I wanted to help" or whatever, I should say, "I don't know you." and walk away.

Problem is, I have face-blindness and one of my biggest fears is saying, "do I know you?" and having the person reply, "yes, I'm your sister/mother/best friend/etc." and then being really hurt that I didn't know who they were. (And, yes, I only recognize my own mother if she's where I expect her to be (as in, I knock on her door and she answers.)) I'm also afraid to let it be generally known in my community that I can't recognize people because I'm afraid that people will use that knowledge to their advantage and my disadvantage. So I've never been able to bring myself to say "do I know you?" when someone starts telling me how to live my life. (I only assume they're strangers who are doing this to me because they seem to know so little about my actual life and never call me by my name. But for all I know, half or more of these people actually know me.)

Sometimes my husband will tell me what to say in a situation but I can't say it because it feels too rude to me. And sometimes he'll tell me what to say or do in a situation but the situation turns out to have been a one-time thing and never happens again. Like when this woman in one of my classes gave me a bag of hygiene products (soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, disposable razor, etc.) and pretended someone named Ann asked her to give it to me (I don't know anyone named Ann) I opened it up, saw what it was and was embarassed in front of everyone. I didn't know what to do. Later I threw it away because so much of it was scented and I'm very chemically sensitive and can only use my shampoo, my toothpaste, etc. And I don't shave, I epilate. So I threw it all away.

My husband said I should have refused to take it in the first place because I don't know someone named Ann and I shouldn't take packages/presents from strangers. I was surprised because I knew I shouldn't take packages from strangers *in the airport* but I totally hadn't extrapolated that information to the situation I found myself in with the woman in class. (Also, social situations go by so fast that I never have time to think things through because everything's happening at lightning speed!)

So my husband explained to me what a stranger is and that it included people in class that I don't know (I hadn't thought of them as strangers because I see them every week in an organized situation) and that not taking packages from strangers counted everywhere, not just in the airport. But, of course, now that I have all that information, no one is trying ti give me any more packages so I have important but basically useless information.

But I guess I'll be ready if someone tries to give me a bag of soap again! I will apologize and say I don't take packages from strangers. ("But I'm not a stranger! I'm your classmate!" "I'm sorry, I don't know you. I appreciate the thought, but I can't accept it.")

Sorry I rambled. My basic point was that my husband tries to give me advice and help mentor me but often his advice doesn't work for me.

Wow he sounds like a great guy.

My wife wants to tell her freinds (especially the ones in her religion) They always want to know why I go strait to the car after service’s and stuff. I don’t like small talk if I have something to say to you I’ll say it but she thinks I need to have this small talk and if they knew they could help me with it. But I just know that they will start looking at me like I am ret*d or something. Or even worse start talking to me all slow and s**t.

I should have my wife read you post’s

I am Pentecostal. Church is "interesting."
Sometimes it is very hard for me to focus, especially when everyone is praying at the same time or when they come to pray with me or over me (they put their hands on me). I just stand still and don't pull away from them, but it is hard sometimes.

After church, I go straight to the car too, but no one says anything about it. Most of them don't know about my AS, but they just let me be me. I even have several people from my church who email me or communicate with me through FaceBook (I prefer written communication to verbal). They don't ask questions, they just take me as I am.

I ask my husband if I embarrass him and he says no. If I want to socialize, he supports me. But he also knows the situations that overstimulate me and he is very sensitive to that. He helps me through those times.

welcome to WP! i am aspie, hubby is NT. we have been together 20 years, married for 16. it is a struggle sometimes, but he loves the things about me that make me different...


case in point - first time i met his parents, i was over for dinner. they were cooking and we were all chatting.

i was hungry so i ate the hardened balls of brown sugar straight out of the bag on the counter.
i was cold so i sat on the furnace vent on the floor to warm up.
i made several dirty jokes over the course of dinner.

husband totally gets stressed out about me, for sure, but he also loves the way i am. his family is mostly used to me by now. but one christmas i had a panic attack while everbody was waiting for me to come in the room to open presents. they all sat there and got frustrated with me, but i felt paralyzed.


great list your husband made for you about social interactions! my husband helped me create a list of best workplace practices for a government test called the "Situational Judgement Test". i failed all the practice tests, but once i memorized his rules i managed to barely pass the actual exam.