new here, need to talk about my AS

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Hi there.
I guess this is the right place to post this. I'm new to this kind of thing, so go easy on me. This is going to be a really long and personal post but I need to get it off my chest as I've never told anyone this before. I'm kind of in distress at the moment about all this so it's not going to be very organised, perhaps even all over the place, sorry.

I'm an 18 year old male currently awaiting AS diagnosis, although I'm pretty damn sure I've got it. I've already been diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety(general), insomnia, social anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder and also dysgraphia/ideational dyspraxia. (For those not in the know, dyspraxia/dysgraphia are learning disorders relating to how the brain processes information and this causes difficulties relating to physical coordination and fine motor control. With me, this manifests itself as inability to write or draw properly when under pressure and some spatial awareness issues). Aside from all that, I have difficulty with concentration and have severe mood swings. I have also gone through a period of suicidal tendencies, self-injurious behaviour, paranoid delusions, and alcoholism.

I recently found out about Asperger's and it really seemed to fit a lot of the issues I've been having.
From an early age (roundabout the time when I joined secondary education, although I definitely had some problems prior to this) I've had trouble establishing, developing and maintaining relationships with those around me.

Other people often characterise me as being very serious and literal, cold-hearted etc. I have a very logical approach to socialisation, in particular I try to work out patterns, tones of voice and phrases that I can use to blend in with the NTs.
I have a very large and technical vocabulary but I find it extremely difficult to talk in an informal manner/style. I find myself often having to 'convert' my internal thought processes to express them to others. With conversations, I find them problematic to initiate and find a suitable topic for discussion, I usually have to wait for the other party to bring a topic for discussion or some kind of context that I can then expand on. If they do not then this leads to awkward silence(see below). I find myself mostly talking about a very serious technical topic that I'm interested in and leaves everyone else bored. I can't seem to gauge what kind of things people want to hear me talk about. I have trouble reading between the lines and picking up on subtle or coded references, which means I'm often regarded as gullible and the last to get a joke. I really don't know how to 'chat' - i.e. mostly purposeless non-serious or silly banter between friends.

Awkward silences are my worst nightmare, they keep reoccurring with most of the people I meet- anything I say during just seems like a random diversion to an arcane topic, or I resort to basic "socialising" comments I have learnt (e.g. what did you do at the weekend, how is college going, inane bland crap like that. However by the time the awkward silence arrives I have usually already used most of these up) and it just serves to reveal my extreme anxiety about the situation and my complete lack of social skills.
With groups of more than 2 people it's just information overload - I can't keep track of all the different conversations and all the potential logical progressions in the discussion just leaves me watching them silently. I am actually terrified of groups of people discussing me and my behaviour behind my back, partially due to extreme paranoia, and partially due to this is how many groups realise I'm not NT like them, and have turned on me and expelled me from the group.

I also display some of the other aspects of AS: I am an intelligent student with an fascination in music technology, among other things. I spend countless hours online reading intricate technical details of how synthesizers and sound effects work, I also design and build them myself to make tripped out electronic music. I also have researched a great deal into computers & technology, also pharmacology and neurochemistry; if you asked me I could give you the medical details and effects of nearly any psychotropic substance and the neurotransmitters(stimulatory chemicals in the brain) it affects. I got into that originally after being prescribed antidepressants, finding all about serotonin and how it makes you happy etc.

I also display stimming/stereotypy (going back all the way to first school, maybe even further) which manifests itself as voluntary jerky hand/wrist movements which I have learned to conceal from all others, it gives me an immediate feeling of relaxation when I am stressed or bored. I can physically feel it like an electrical charge/liquid shooting up my spine, probably something to do with beta-endorphins.

One thing I have noticed however is that I do not have any noticeable problems with reading facial expressions, and I'm absolutely useless at mathematics (although you might put that down to constant shuffling between math skillset groups, due to bullying amongst other things, for the majority of highschool, I really picked up nothing past basic algebra). There is little doubt in my mind that I have AS however, the results from the diagnosis should confirm this.

I've been suffering from depression pretty much consistently for the last 6-8 years. I've been prescribed various medications for it namely prozac, escitalopram and a few other SSRI's I cant remember the name of. They really didn't help, in fact they made me a lot worse - I told the doctor this but he told me I should keep taking them and expect an improvement.
After about a year of taking escitalopram, I was informed that my dosage would be gradually tapered off and I would no longer be receiving it as a prescription as it had been reclassified as 18+ years old only due to reports of it actually increasing depression, self-injurious and suicidal tendencies in teenagers, (very much what I had been experiencing) and informed I would be shifted onto prozac. After a while of taking that, I decided it was having much the same effect and refused to take any more. I was then told they were sorry that the medication hadn't been helping and they signed me up to a few basic therapy sessions.

To divert, at this point in time I had been severely bullied daily both physically and mentally for several years at one public highschool and got fed up with it and just refused to go any more.
(I later learned that I had been suffering from PTSD, mainly from one particularly violent bullying incident where I received countless kicks to the head from a crowd of about 30 kids my age, ended up KO'd, carried to an ambulance in a stretcher, I've never been the same since and it's had a profound effect on my adolescent development)

I gained nothing from the therapy sessions other than advice to join a particular specialist private highschool that had very small class sizes (no more than 8 of us in the main eng,math,sci group, and only 2 of us in music) so to give the tutors more time to cater to all of our needs.
The bullying at this place turned out to be worse than the one I'd been at before, at a particularly vulnerable point in my life, after confiding in someone there -who I considered a friend- all my problems, I then experienced an especially malicious form of harassment and abuse from her and her friends. It was round the clock hate mail, nasty phone calls, whispering/bitching about me in class, spreading around the school information (in one instance actually handing out f*****g pamphlets) about my past and my problems, in particular the fact I was self-injuring and that the majority of the skin on my right arm was pretty much scar tissue, at one point announcing this in front of everyone and I denied it, then demanding I show everyone to prove it, obviously I couldn't so I just ran away.
I knew it was stupid and manipulative behaviour and that I was above it but somehow it worked anyway, it really got to me, and after about 3 months of this I was having nightmares about it, I couldn't handle seeing any of my class because I was so messed up and paranoid about what they knew and what they'd done that I just stopped going to that school and left what few friends I had behind. Even months after leaving, just even thinking about their names or things that reminded me of that time would just bring me to tears.

This and other things led to an extreme forced 'disconnection', (I really don't have a better term for this, sorry) of all my previous friends/acquaintances - my choice, I simply blocked them on internet messaging, didn't respond to their emails, didn't answer their calls, stopped going outside whenever possible, generally just turned my back and deserted them.
I don't really know why I did this to begin with, I wasn't thinking very clearly back then, but I was basically just running away from it all.

This has now become a recurring theme in my life, when the social problems just get too much, when I can't deal with a certain group of people who I believe have turned on me (I've been counting and I've got through about 20-25 different groups of people in the last 5 years, mostly due to AS or my own paranoia), when I truly feel there are no more options, I just 'disconnect' them from me, it's like I'm just giving up trying to deal with the NT's, just basically saying "f**k it I'll be by myself if that's what you want", if that makes any sense. This results in no communication whatsoever with them, not even a goodbye or a f**k you, just ignoring, no eye-contact or acknowledgement, even if they're standing right in front of me, pretending they don't exist-style behaviour. If I saw them at parties or somewhere else I'd just run away or hide or something stupid like that, and try and convince my current friends(for lack of a better term) not to be friends with them.

Most of my adolescence has been spent sitting alone in front of a computer, listening to music and browsing the web. This is partially the result of friendship group after friendship group either rejecting me/getting bored with me, or my own paranoia convincing me that they had done, that they hated me secretly.
I am mostly content with being on my own, I am generally not a people person as you may have already picked up, however even aspies need friends and as I have found out over the course of years one cannot simply be alone the entire time, especially right now.

Last summer, I had noticed an improvement in my conditions and began to feel attached to a particular group of friends, in fact I practically moved in to a friends apartment down the road from me which was 24/7 socialisation, hedonism and partying. I felt closer to this group of people than any other in my entire life. It was not a straightforward relationship with them, however, as we were rarely sober and most of the best times were under the influence. It was great, for a time, but I realised near the end of the holidays that my friends were pretty much descending into alcoholism/drug addiction, and that they cared more about being mashed than being friends. I began to question how much of our friendship was real. Eventually it descended into bitching about trivial things, words exchanged about me and others behind our backs, which I hate, and various other issues which arise out of a group of people avoiding life for the best part of 3 months. It never rose to the point of any official falling out, but at the end of the holidays the rent contract to the apartment expired and we went our separate ways, some like me going off to university, others simply travelling further down the road of addiction.

Right now I am living away from home for the first time, I am staying at my university halls of residence. I thought this would be a good idea at first, a chance to get away from the solitude of my room at home, to meet new people, to get another chance in a shiny new city. But, alas the same issues arose with those I am living with, and I actually found that I really dislike these people for their views (they're all extremely racist and bigoted, intolerant of anyone different from them, be it gays, blacks, Asians, Jews, immigrants, or whoever. Obviously not very aspie-friendly people either)
At this point most of the people in the building my age (no more than 15-20 of them) refuse to socialise with me and I have a reputation for being shy/nervous/boring/antisocial, now I'm just the butt of their jokes and they just play pranks on me and generally antagonise me, I get a real hostile attitude from them whenever I go into our shared kitchen. I've considered moving out and getting a solo studio apartment because of this.
None of this really majorly distresses me, but it has led to me actually living alone, cause I don't know anyone else in this damn city, having disconnected myself from my flatmates, as of the time of this writing I haven't actually been out, seen anyone(other than ignoring my flatmates, and the other people in my lecture group), or verbally spoken to anyone physically or on the phone in nearly 4 weeks. All I have actually done is sit in this room on the internet, go to my lectures, and visit the local supermarket for food and alcohol. This isn't what I want, and it obviously isn't what I need. I'm looking for any opportunities to make friends but the people from my lecture group simply made thinly-veiled excuses when I tried to arrange to go out with them.

I really want to try and look at my own behaviour so I can correct it, look at where I'm going wrong with people, how I'm missing opportunities etc. But the way I see it, even a NT at this point in these circumstances would have no chance finding people.

Now, if you're reading this, I commend you for getting this far through my s**t. I've written all of this in the hope that I can get in touch with a community of likeminded aspies, that maybe some of you share some of my experiences, that I'm not alone in this, and that you might have any advice. Thanks for caring.

Tom

Well tom, that was quite frankly one of THE LONGEST POSTS ive ever read! But I must commend you on your (what seems) extreme honesty and openess. To live a life like that would be quite difficult to live through, let alone tell others about.

I too have a story like yours, but I never really changed schools. I moved half way through HS to a totally different state and things semi tappered off. In order for that to happen, I had to reinvent myself as a cocky chicagoan when I was just simply an aspie undiagnosed who really couldnt care what others thought.

Im sorry you had to deal with that but I want you to know that you are stronger and better for it, whether you recognize it or not. Im 21 now and I know what its like to decide to move into a dorm atmosphere. I was in the USAF. They stationed me up in ALASKA, 100 miles south of the Arctic Circle.

The way you got along with people was to drink. Even then, if you were like me or you, you didnt get along with many people or rather vice versa. I got pranked a lot, and I found a group I could hang out with but much like you, it never felt like I belonged.

The Air force is what started the whole search for answers. I was forced ot go to mental health because I had PHYSICAL PROBLEMS(I didnt understand either). I was sent to japan for war training and during that time I started having extreme anxiety symptoms as well as others I havent confirmed yet. But I was diagnosed with 5 different personality disorders and put on 20 different medications within 6 months. They finally settled on a 6th which was PTSD because of my traumatic childhood.

It has been on my own that I have figured out I have asperger's syndrome, and that my mother has it as well. I wish you well in your journey and if you ever need any advice or someone to talk to, go ahead and PM me or use one of my messangers.

Passion Patience and Perseverance

Alan

Welcome to WP!

Tim

How to deal with stress -- From Mr Miyagi (IN Karate Kid)

"Whenever you feel that you are at wits end, return to the basic essence of life: breathing.
Breath in filling up all of lungs, breath out your stress through your nose.

Breath in , breath out.............

Ya' kno' I is old. When i was young there weren't all these disorders: ADD ADHD PDD AS. . . some of us were just strange.
I have thought what a great thing it would be to be born and raised now, when there is so much klnowledge.
But now that I have read stories of life by several younguns, i am not at all sure of that. THEY (and you know how THEY are!) now tend to see any of us weirdos as subjects for chemical experiments.
Can they administer chems that would lessen my RF interest? I'd bet yes. There are chems for nearly everything. For all that THEY can name. But I am uncertain as to whether the person's life is actually improved, or whether perhaps - perhaps just being raised in the tough down and dirty realm of ignorance: "She's (me female) a bit off you know." was better than all this "understanding".
I think you sound AS. hang in there. Life will not become easier, but you will gain strength and understanding - in your own way. it is okay. I've been on the wrong rock for a long time now. You can make it work.
Welcome to WP!

Hi acidrephlux & welcome to WP

I can relate to a lot of what you've said about yourself and the problems you've experienced. I found university a difficult time as well. However, as cliched as it sounds, there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm a bit of an old fogie now and I've managed to learn more ways to cope with my challenges. As you can tell, I survived my university years despite everything. I'm sorry you're having so many problems to cope with, but I hope you find help on WP. There are lots of people here who know what you're going through and I've found that knowing I'm not alone in the world is a great help.

Once again welcome to WP

Hi, acidrephlux.

I'm not an aspie myself, just the parent of one, but my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you had to to go (and are still going) through all that garbage throughout school on top of everything you were already dealing with and on top of just having to be a kid/teen, which is hard enough work in my opinion.

I'm not sure what options there are for an 18 year-old who is looking to understand himself and his diagnosis, but maybe the doctor doing your evaluation could point you in the right direction for services in your area.

I don't know how you feel about therapy (talk therapy) but it might be a helpful source for working on changing your behavior or just understanding the choices you make or things you do. I only mention that because you said, "I really want to try and look at my own behaviour so I can correct it, look at where I'm going wrong with people, how I'm missing opportunities etc. " and counseling can be a good place to start. You're obviously intelligent and willing to look at yourself critically, I would think if you found a counselor who you felt you could talk with you would have some success in that area.

Good luck with everything. I hope you find some of what you need here.

thanks for all your replies and advice, it's good to know that people are out there and willing to listen. I was a bit worried all of the above would be a bit too much for most people.

I have an update on the present situation for those who are interested. I now have an appointment a week this friday for an AS diagnosis.
However the coursework deadlines looming at the end of this week, pressure, and lack of contact have gotten to me and I'm worried I'm drifting through the course despite my large technical knowledge on the subject. I'm particularly having difficulties organising myself in this state, while having a lot of free time it's really difficult to find the motivation required to keep going through it. Having spent the best part of a month by myself with very little work to show for it I find I'm condemning myself as it's not like I've been busy or anything which only adds to my sense of defeat. I have two assignments in this friday and I really don't feel I have enough written work to submit.

Right now a few options make themselves apparent: continue with the course and absolute lack of social life & interaction and risk potential meltdown/crisis, or drop out entirely and take the course again next year(which would be a real drag on my emotional and financial resources), or apply for special circumstances and do what I can over the next few months and summer to catch up with the rest of the course. I am reluctant to choose any as they all look pretty grim and the third option leaves me with basically no summer break.

Really it all just seems to have come to a head in the last few weeks and I really feel like I'm going to have a serious breakdown sometime soon whatever happens. So I'm looking for a temporary solution in the form of anti-anxiety meds, which will hopefully suppress a lot of what I'm feeling and allow me to resume studies, which I'm going to see the doctor about in a few days. I don't really see this as a long term solution though and I'm going to consider cognitive-behavioural therapy after I get my diagnosis.

If you have any advice regarding anxiety medication and its effectiveness or any other ideas I'd be happy to hear them, but at this point I'm pretty desperate and if they offer me anything that will calm me down during the day it will be gladly accepted. I'm sure it's better than turning to drink anyway.

tom

Tom, I sure can relate to your experiences, especially the part about being bullied. I wish I had a solution that I could suggest, but even a being a few months shy of 50 years old, I still encounter bullying due to my social awkwardness.

I think you are definitely at the right place here at wrong planet. Best wishes with the diagnosis. I will be thinking of you.

Ah, it brings back memories, coming home from school, my clothes covered in blood, then getting hell for runing my clothes. Those were the days.

the short version is, Welcome Tom, you have come to the right place.

thanks guys/girls for all your replies. sad to think many of you have gone through the same things I have, but I'm glad we can all talk about it like this. I have an update for those who have been reading- had the diagnosis yesterday and it's official: I have AS.

so..I dunno what I was expecting to feel from hearing this. It definitely explains a lot of my behaviour growing up that I had previously been blaming myself for, or just not understanding and assuming I was some sort of circus freak that had these issues. Good to know I'm not alone out there I suppose. I spoke with the professionals who did the diagnosis about potential support at university and apparently they can mail the report to student support services and I might get extra time, a laptop, mentoring or stuff like that depending on how it works its way through the uni bureacracy.

So that might help, although right now I'm pretty damn behind on all my deadlines with new ones coming in a matter of weeks, and this report will take at least two weeks to finalize. Ah well, not much I can do now but wait and see, and just try and get on with all the coursework before it eats me alive. I'd hate to have to retake the year.

I'm twice your age Tom and you will be OK. Time helps so much, to at least deaden some things. Others you have to look at. I so hate that.
I've always a singularity. Always will be. But our minds take us to such interesting places at times, yes?. I applaud youe dissemination. You are not aloneeeeee!! !! !

Welcome to WrongPlanet.net forums!

Long Days and Pleasant Nights

Welcome to our palaver

I'm Gunslinger Aaron

I have AS and some Savant skills with music and memory.

Congradulations on being AS, I am old, and like nutbag, long for the days when we were just wierd.

Most problems can be solved by offering to show people your machete collection.

I was a teenager till fourty, odd till fifty, then a Late Bloomer, animals with a long childhood tend to live long. At sixty, my enemies are dead, (I had nothing to do with it,) and all of my odd behavior is now called excutive ability.

Youth is just a phase, you will grow out of it.