I am the father of a 12-year old aspie son

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I am glad to have found this site.

My wife and I have three kids, the oldest one was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 8. Before the diagnosis he lived in a world of agnoizing pains because no one, myself mostly, sympathized with his problems!

I am guilt-ridden and hope that I can be a better dad for him in the future.

Hello. welcome!

(once again) Welcome to WP!

I'm glad that you want to change the way you treat your son now that you know why. Most parents who think that usually do the opposite and go into neglect and treat their child even worse.

Enjoy your stay!

Hi,

Welcome to WP.

Don't feel guilt-ridden. If you didn't know your son had AS before, then it is understandable that you found it hard to sympathise as you didn't know what was going on.

The main thing is that you now want to change this and try to help and support him as much as you can.

Many aspies (though NOT all) , myself included, were physically, emotionally and / or sexually abused by their parents.

So it is pretty amazing to come across a parent who wants to do the best for their child and who is willing to accept them for who they are and try to understand the world from their point of view.

I don't think you should feel guilty.

from my experience, you have done the step that matters: you know about aspergers and are willing to work with the condition, not against it.
for one of us, that is about the best one can get: being taken just the way we are, accepted with all the funny quirks (and abilities) we have - and not being made a big deal about it. i am sure it will do your son good. at least i cant imagine something better to help him grow confident in himself.
definitely sounds like the right track you are on!

i talked to a few parents whose children showed slight problems with social interaction and all of them watched it with a concerned eye - what is wrong with my son/daughter, how can i help, what did i do wrong etcetera... to most of them, the information that there is something like aspergers seemed to relieve a lot of the tension, although i doubt that most of their kids actually have AS. just knowing that this problem is not so uncommon and that there are a multitude of "configurations" that just dont work too well with company seemed to help a lot.

Count you and your son as "lucky" that you are now aware that his brain is wired a ittle differently(not wrong...different)>The hardest thing growing up before a DX(I am 43),was that my "reality" was always being questioned....."you dont feel that,taste that,hear that".....being told that can really mess with your head when you ARE experiencing those things.So,I am glad you can now realize that your son may experience things differently then you or others and not be "faking"that experience.

Good luck to you both and I hope you enjoy the site.Play to his strengths and interests and if he wants to learn some NT skills(which come to them easily and without much effort),let him do so in small steps....it's just like learning to walk,you dont start by running a marathon.

Yesterdays gone.

We think in moving pictures in color. There is a lag as we translate to words.

Most of the world thinks only in words, has a small black and white wire frame image in the mind if any, and dreams in black and white.

Because I see in pictures, I can fix any machine. I can create a boat in my head and know every plank, the order they are assembled, and how it will ride in various sea conditions. I do Information Technology for I can see the unseen pathways that make it work.

Some things I am not worth a damn at and never will be. I have zero musical ability and think it all a lot of useless noise.

I have spent a lot of time deeply learning thing that interest me, as the world around me kept coming in and interupting because it was not for a school or job, and they did everything short of breaking my fingers and gouging my eyes out to stop me from being weird and bookish.

They all thought they were right, and I was something to experiment on. At 14 I started beating people with a pool cue, I recommend it. I cannot make people smarter, but I can beat the stupid out of them.

At 18 I was working the latest IBM computers, that was in 1963. I think I have read 20,000 non-fiction books. I now write and publish. I hold patents, and on or off the table I am awesome with a pool cue.

You are not even of my planet. Get your kid a good computer, that is where I get all my knowledge now.
Here he can discover himself among visual thinkers. You word thinkers know nothing, you are hopelessly and permantly stuck where you are.

I raised myself against opposition. I cannot forget anything, and for the rest of their lives I let my family know just what I thought of them.

The choice is yours, let your son grow up to be himself, or create a Hell for yourself for the rest of your liife. The happiest day in my life was the one when my father died.

Aspergers or not you will see aspects of yourself in your son. Maybe you have some some aspergers qualities yourself, maybe you do not. Your son will definately have aspects of your behavior inherent in himself. These are the messy business that make family so much fun and also so infuriating.

I am gald that you have made the decision to learn more about aspergers. I hope that you enjoy your time spent in orbit of the wrong planet.

Welcome to WrongPlanet, eDad!

I am a mom of a 6 year old son who was diagnosed 2 months ago. Before then he used to beat me up in mealt downs. I didnt understand him so now that i do i look back and feel so sorry for everything i couldnt do for him.

No guilt, please. I would give the world for a dad like you.

Bear in mind that most mental health professionals are NT, they understand aspies only as black boxes. They do not know what is inside our heads.

Some of the dx criteria are incorrect.

If your son has not met another aspie, then - in reality - he has not ever met another human!

Can you find an elder aspie willing to mentor him in AS specific stuff he ought to know?

Thank you for caring about your son!

Hello eDad,

Our 7 year old Aspie was diagnosed a few months ago (when he was 6). I know what you mean about the guilt ... but I've let go of it now. Think of how much energy you've wasted being guilty. You need all that energy to do the best by your son now.

It sounds like you are a great dad and are learning everything you can.

My 7 year old son gives me such joy. He sees the world so differently and comes up with the best ideas. He is an absolute whizz with leggo, bionicles, puzzles etc. He constantly amazes us with how quickly he puts together complicated leggo sets. My engineer husband cannot assembles things as quickly as he can.

This is the best website. Before I came on here I cried nearly every day ...always worrying about his future ... getting upset by snobby parents making b*tchy comments.

But since I've been on this website I have not cried once! It is such a place for support.

You'll make lots of friends here.

I'll talk to you more later - we're off on holidays for 1 week - no computer - aaargh - how will I survive without WrongPlanet?

Smelena

Thanks for your support. I've never been able to talk to so many other people about my son. The only ones my wife and I spoke to about his Asperger's are a few special education teachers and his doctor.

My son is also a whiz in legos! Is it a typical asperger's trait?

He's had his own computer for years. Since I am a computer engineer, I have an army of computers at home. He doesn't seem too enamored with computers and readings though. His favorite acitivites are watching anime shows on TV and building legos. I guess that calms him down the most.

I loved Lego as a kid because whatever you built was up to you. It's also fun to see the progress you make very quickly as you build up your model and see it half-done, which is cool in itself!

My dad was NT, as is my younger brother. When I was growing up, they didn't have the term, "Aspergers' Syndrome." They knew I was gifted - by the time I was in first grade I was reading college-level books and devouring the encyclopedia - but I was awkward, had difficulty completing things I started (what we now call ADD), and was a complete disaster at sports. By the time I was in High School, I knew that my younger brother was my dad's favorite son, the one who could do no wrong, and I was the one who could do no right.

I drifted from college to college, dropped out of several before finally deciding on a direction and finishing with an AA in business programming and once again getting stellar grades. I had to come home for a while during that time, and during that stay - about a week before he died - my dad pulled me aside and said something he had never said to me before in his life. "Son... I'm proud of you."

I don't have any hard feelings toward my dad. He did the best he could; he didn't understand what he was dealing with. I still remember him with honor. But I sure wish he would have understood what you now do.

Today, I'm a successful website developer (a trade I taught myself; just like I taught myself the last trade I was in, computer networking support...). I still struggle with AS, but at least I know what I'm dealing with now. My brother? Sadly, he disappeared about three years ago, my step-mother believes he became a drug addict.

I guess the point is, never sell your AS kid short. He may not live up to your expectations at playing baseball, he may be a misfit and quirky and come home from school beat up a lot, but he's going to do things you never dreamed possible. And if you support him (and teach him to focus and conquer his attention deficit tendencies), when he gets to be your - and my - age, you won't have to worry about him at all - he'll be the one taking care of you.
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Regarding the Legos: Your son sees the world differently than you, and most NTs, do. He has an outstanding grasp of 3 dimensional space; he visualizes everything that way. Legos are a way he can build in that space. (Plus, they're just fun!) Like most Aspies, when your son first sees an object, he has probably already formed a 3D image of that object in his mind and has already begun to figure out how it might be manipulated and/or disassembled. We just think that way. He probably also likes to draw, and has probably already impressed you with his talent with perspective. (But probably can't draw people or faces worth beans.)

Some thoughts: Encourage him, in whatever he becomes interested in. Sometimes (like me) he might become bored with something, 90% of the way toward completion; encourage him to see the rewards, the excitement of finishing a project he starts. Let him freely explore whatever things interest him - even if they might seem odd to you... but help him to focus on those things he appears to be most gifted at. Encourage - but don't push! We Aspies will shut down faster than you can blink when we're pushed.

Get him interested in music. (Take it from a veteran entertainer with perfect pitch - yes, often an Aspie trait.) Give him piano lessons, and let him take up the saxophone or a brass instrument as well. (I'd avoid the other woodwinds, as most kids in high school see them as "sissy," and he may be too clumsy to handle stringed instruments. I mention piano because I wish my parents had taught me piano as well when I was his age.) He will appreciate the logical, mathematical nature of music. He will likely be able to "see" the music in his head, beautifully woven as a tapestry (Beethoven fascinated me as a kid). He'll discover a new way of expressing himself to others, a new way to be "social" besides the confusion you call body language, a way of getting out of his shell. And he'll undoubtedly meet others like himself in band. (We geeks tend to hang together.) Later he'll probably discover sound editing (since he'll become fascinated with all the knobs, buttons and sliders...).

And finally... Good luck!

Smelena is a bright girl, listen to her. I am the Dad of a 10yr old AS son dxd 2yrs ago.
Lots of help and support here. Be sure to check out the Parents Forum. One good thing here, You can chat with adult Aspies and they can help you get further insight to your son, even when he can't tell you what is going on within himself.

You are indeed Well Come to the Wrong Planet!