Hello, I might be autistic

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Hi everyone,

My name is Berkay, and I’m a psychology student. Recently, I’ve been exploring the possibility that I might be on the autism spectrum. It’s something that has been on my mind after watching a clinical interview video for my homework assignment, which focused on autism. As I watched it, I noticed that the symptoms described were surprisingly accurate. That led me to dig deeper into research, and the more I looked, the more patterns I found that matched my own experiences. I also had an online autism spectrum quotient test that indicated significant autistic traits as 39 points out of a possible 50.

To give you a bit more context, I experienced delayed speech as a child—starting to talk at around 3 years old, but people couldn’t really understand me until I was 5. During preschool, I had communication difficulties and would often get frustrated, leading to incidents like hitting other kids. I also had strange fears, such as being terrified of veiled women, drawing them as witches and believing they would one day kidnap me. I even remember trying to choke myself a few times as a child because of the certainty of being kidnapped one day, although I never quite understood why I felt that way.

As I grew older, I continued to struggle with communication. I had a hard time making and keeping friends, and during middle and high school, I often felt isolated. I remember attending a science camp and trying to strike up a conversation with someone, asking which country he was from, only to be brushed off in a way that left me feeling alienated as he said "Do I look foreigner from there." and just left. To be honest, I didn't know the difference between "city" and "country" when I was 12... And I generally had similar unusual things and unsuccessful communications like that. Also looks like, I don't understand social cues like others do. This kind of thing happened a lot, and I often felt like I didn’t belong, either at school or generally whenever I went.

On top of these struggles, I’ve been dealing with depression for most of my life, and I suspect PTSD could be a factor as well. I’ve always had a huge difficulty connecting with others, especially maintaining long-term friendships. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be successful and to communicate “normally,” but it never seemed to work out.

I’ve also experienced specific hallucinations—mainly hypnopompic ones—where I wake up and see things that aren’t there. And as I dug into my research on autism, I started seeing other patterns that might relate to my experiences as a gay man. I have certain kinks and I’m pretty open about my sexuality, not feeling the usual social pressure to hide these things (as a person who lives in a highly homophobic country), but I also noticed that I’ve been manipulated and even bullied by people I was interested in without fully realizing it at the time. - Some studies show that non-heterosexuality and other sexual aspects I mentioned are more likely to exist around people diagnosed with autism)

I’ve had strong emotional attachments to certain objects for a long time. For instance, I collect Super Mario plush toys, and until 2021 (when I was 19), I would still sleep with my Luigi plush, making him “talk” and act alive. This sense of attachment feels deep, and honestly, I never really let go of it. Even now, I feel this strong emotional connection to these toys, and I think this is another aspect of who I am.

There’s also a specific existential discomfort I’ve felt for as long as I can remember. It’s hard to describe, but it’s like a sense of unease when I focus on people, their existence, and how fragile and interchangeable life feels. I’ve had this feeling overwhelmed by the realization of how easily we can be “broken” as humans. These thoughts have been with me since I was a child, but I’ve never really understood why I focus so much on these details and death too much even before had PTSD related to death.

All of this has left me wondering: Could autism be the answer to why I’ve always felt so different, disconnected, and misunderstood? It would explain so much—the communication difficulties, the emotional attachments, the specific fears and routines I had as a child, and the lifelong struggles with friendships and social connections. I’m still trying to understand myself better, and I’m hoping to find some clarity.

Thanks for reading this, I hope I will find a good therapist soon to clarify some things and I’d appreciate any insights from those of you who might relate or have been through similar experiences. I feel like getting some answers will help me understand myself more deeply, and hopefully, I’ll finally be able to ease up on the huge pressure I’ve put on myself to "fit in" all these years.

Hi Berkay and welcome to WP.
I think you'll learn a lot here

Welcome to WP!

Your AQ score suggests you probably are on the Autism Spectrum but it is not a formal diagnosis. And, keep in mind, the human mind is kind of complicated. You might be on the Autism Spectrum but eligible for other diagnoses in addition to that.

My AQ score was 40 (about the same as yours) and that is what convinced me it wasn't just my imagination. But I also knew it wasn't a formal diagnosis. AQ persuaded me it was reasonable for me to get a professional Adult Autism Assessment...and I did and now I can say my formal diagnosis is: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1 (Mild) with a note that I also satisfy the criteria previously associated with Asperger's Syndrome.

Personally, I would think your next step is to figure out whether an official diagnosis would benefit you or work against you. You are young. Would a formal diagnosis get you anything more than peace of mind? Would a formal diagnosis close any professional paths? (I retired when I was 56 and got my diagnosis when I was 64. The diagnosis satisfied my curiosity but I can't say it's done me much good.)

And whether you get a formal diagnosis, or not, or even if you late discover you are not Autistic, you still meet the criteria for staying on WP: an interest in the topic and some manners!

So, welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to Wrong Planet! I hope you enjoy it here.

welcome, you are in the right place to get some answers and insights from folks with lifetimes of experience. Glad you found us, about diagnosis and self recognition of autism, take your time, its a lot to sort!

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You wrote: "These thoughts have been with me since I was a child, but I’ve never really understood why I focus so much on these details and death too much even before had PTSD related to death."

O.K. so let me try and explain things from my perspective. The human brain is composed of two parts. One on the right side of your skull and the other on the left side. They are two halves. The left side is the dominant daytime brain. The right side is a support brain that exist when we sleep. It is very active during REM and deep NREM sleep. Normally these two sides of the brain combine to become one brain around the age of 12 or 13 and we pass from being a child to becoming an adult. But for some of us we do not make that transition. Why is this?

Well in my humble opinion it is because we die before we reach that transition point. I suffered a severe brain injury when I was around 3 or 4. I was attacked by a large bull. It weighed over a thousand pounds and I weighed around 15 pounds. It was like being attacked by a dinosaur. I died and stood next to my dead body with my parents standing next to me in utter fear. But I came back. The right side of my brain came back and the left side had died. Over time, my left side came back and became my night time brain. It was a brain flip. That is why I am different. Why I feel like I was born on the Wrong Planet. I suspect that is why you are also different.

But being different is not necessarily all bad. I found that I have some unique skills that other people do not possess. It drives them crazy. The main approach is to learn to use your unique skills to overcome your weaknesses.

You wrote, "I’d appreciate any insights from those of you who might relate or have been through similar experiences. I feel like getting some answers will help me understand myself more deeply, and hopefully, I’ll finally be able to ease up on the huge pressure I’ve put on myself to "fit in" all these years."

That is the best insight I can offer you. I am 76 years old and still learning more and more and more. Figure out your unique strengths and then use them to overcome your unique weaknesses.

Welcome to WP!

Before internalising the pathologising paradigm of Autism as a dysfunction or disability (as illustrated by the use of language such as 'on the spectrum' and 'having Autism' etc) then I would recommend reading up on the concepts or neurodiversity, neurodivergence and identity.

As you will find, there is are a broad range of views among the membership here. Some view themselves as disordered or dysfunctional in some way whilst others view themselves as 'different' but normal and celebrate their Autistic identities.

Regardless of whom is saying what, this is always an interesting place to visit.

Hey ho!

I'm also in a situation where I try to see what in my life can be explained by autism, what can be explained by autistic traits interacting with other stuff etc. I also planned to have a visit with a therapist, but got sick instead I hope there are some good ones where you live - many professionals still have quite outdated ideas about autism.

You can check this book (if you haven't already):
Is This Autism? A guide for clinicians and everyone else by Donna Henderson and others (I'm everyone else, so I can read it).
It goes through diagnostic criteria, but uses normal language, not a clinical jargon, with examples and contributions from autistic people. Maybe you'll find something useful.

Good luck!

Hello. This is going to be a journey for you. It can be both exciting, because you're discovering yourself, and sad, because of all the years lost and suffering experienced to simply not knowing.