New, and embarassed to admit I watch Americas Next Top Model

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First of all, the fact that I had to re-word my Subject to meet the character limit really bothers me.

K, so. I'm Krista. I'm new here. Until about a week ago I thought that if I meant someone who was Autistic, I'd clearly know. Autism to me, was an illness that didn't allow a high level of day to day functionality. I was also one of those many people who thought being Autistic always meant having some kind of cool super powers like decoding a pattern in pi or solving the rubix cube in 12 seconds.

Until. Low and behold. Here I am... watching... America's Next Top Model. I have a fascination with reality television because for me it's like a train wreck. So hard to look away. Repulsive yet it still draws me in. So anyway, as I'm sure a lot of you know, there's this chick on there. Heather. She's doing her socially reclusive thing, the other dumb broads are making fun of her, and I'm feeling for her. Been there, been there, been there! Then in another scene Tyra says that Heather has a form of Autism, and I was a little baffled. How could someone with Autism be in a competition like that? So she mentions AS, and I can't help but look it up.

And bam. Suddenly. An explanation. The reason. The entire culmination of everything that I've always known was wrong with me. I had no idea all of my self-diagnoses could be a part of something bigger, and then some. The stupid things I always passed off as just me being me, you know, a weirdo. The clumsiness. Always tripping and stubbing toes and just moving awkwardly in general. My intense hate for the sound of silverware against teeth, or that loaf of bread I saw at that Amish bakery that had these weird holes in the crust. I hated that bread, it gave me nightmares, and if I touched it, I'd probably go insane. My child like postures and fidgeting. Always sitting Indian style, or curled into a ball, one knee up, the other bouncing up and down. Or the way I wring my hands together when I'm talking to people I'm not familiar with. The delayed responses. My fiance will say something to me, I'll say "yeah", then a minute later I'll ask him if he said something, which doesn't make any sense to him because I already replied. And it didn't make sense to me either, until now. The big one for me was the "sensory overload". Wow. I had always tried to describe it to my fiance. He wants to teach me about football so bad, but he can only tell me so much at once, before my brain absolutely shuts the hell down. Attentive one minute, in one ear and out the other the next. A 20 minute break ensues, and then back to trying to recall what the line of scrimmage is, and why their pants are so tight. And the fact that I have trouble reading books or articles that I REALLY WANT to read, finally makes sense.

The social anxiety that I always just assumed was SAD, now makes sense. The friggin' eye contact BS. I consider myself to be pretty high functioning in this area. But only because I've studied social norms in life to an extent comparable to your average person studying an entire collection of encyclopedias and using that knowledge to survive. My movements, eye contact, small talk, is methodical and precise, and as fake and forced (though I don't think a lot of people notice, if any) as they come.

I know this was long-winded. I apologize for that, but I was very excited to share my story with people who've finally made me feel like I am very much not alone. And I haven't even talked to any of you yet! So thank you to the creator of this site, and thank you to the 495 people who are currently online and keeping this place a safe sanctuary for people to talk about not taking showers regularly and sucking at making eye contact.

-KristaMeth

Yeah, isn't it weird finding unexpected answers in places you once dismissed? I found out through a youtube video and happened to click on this autistic video of this girl talking about her life. And for me it just clicked. My parents were convinced that I had SAD too. They bought me this huge grow lamp, not even a real SAD light, and made me have it on when ever I sat down at my desk and it made me angry and frustrated as hell since I knew it wasn't doing anything but making me angry. My elbow just kept bumping into it and I would hit my head on it when I would stand up at times.

But yeah, I know how you feel and how you see yourself a differently now. Like a new understanding of yourself. But unfortunately understanding yourself won't really help everyone else understand you still.

Good luck.

Welcome to WrongPlanet

Hello KristaMeth

Welcome to WP

Before I knew anything about autism...I always thought that autistic people had some kind of superpower aswell lol. My idea of what it would be was similar to someone with Savant Syndrome, eg, being a calander calculator or being able to list every prime number in order.
I was sure wrong about that lol.

When I received my diagnosis of AS, I was thinking "But I don't have any special abilities like calander calculating". I was bewildered when my doctor actually told me that you don't have to have a "superpower" to be autistic.

Anyway...I'm sure you will enjoy posting here.

Hi Krista

I stumbled across Asperger's also (my son has it). He was suffering with anxiety (amongst other things), especially in social situations so I googled it. Well - a million light switches came on and a yr later here we are!

This is a fantastic site - I'm sure you'll enjoy it here

Welcome to WP!

Tim

I have a friend of mine who still insists that having Asperger's automatically means you have a photographic memory. Even after being friends with space-case me for three years...
Um, in any case... hi!

Americas Next Top Model ? Can't say as I've had the pleasure or displeasure. I do like those really really trashy tabloids though. You know the ones that have all the pseudo science in them, not the one's with all the Paris wannabe's. I mean Paris is the top of the line, nobody can do it like she can. What is she does anyway? My favorite tabloid head line was Noah's Ark Found on a Mountain Top in Pennsylvania. Now I know it wasn't on the one in my backyard. Was it in your backyard? I don't recall a Hickstown near Harrisburg.

Welcome home.

Welcome to WP.

welcome...

I noticed in your location that you are near Harrisburg, I live near Harrisburg in York County.