The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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I just thought I would pop in and say hi.

I'm going to be meeting a friend for dinner soon, and I'm reading while listening to an episode of "Nightfall"

I need a bit of advice from my Dino friends. I have a new friend, whom I really like hanging out with, but she is really loud. On two occasions, I have wanted to put my hands over my ears, because she speaks very loudly when she is getting into her topic. I want to tell her how much it distresses me, but don't want to hurt her feelings. People have actually turned to stare when we are out in public, and this causes me further discomfort. The last time I was with her, we sat in a little park, and she started getting excited about her topic. I could literally hear her voice echoing off a building across the street. I know I would hate it if someone asked me to lower my voice when we were outdoors, but I am actually dreading our next get together. Any advice on a way to handle this?

You know those big orange ear protectors that people who guide jet planes around airports wear? Put a set of those on, and with two of those orange wands they wave, signal a slashing movement across your neck with exaggerated movements every time she speaks. Wear a decibel meter, and every time she exceeds 160 db >>WHACK<< her head with an orange wand. Negative reinforcement. Works every time. But smile. She's your friend.


Plan B: ("B" for Bugs):
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7H7NwZL6A94&feature=related[/youtube]

Last edited by Chuck on 30 Mar 2008, 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think I would take her aside, so that it's just the two of you, and tell her you don't want to hurt her feelings, but the volume of her voice bothers you, and I would talk about being sensitive to noise and not being able to block out background noise so that she understands why you would feel distressed by that.

Or you could tie her hands behind her back and gag her so that she won't talk at all.

She won't be too happy with that, though...

While I appreciate the humor, I was hoping to get some practical input. I would really like to keep this person as a friend for longer than a few months, which is my usual track record, if I'm lucky. I can already feel myself wanting to withdraw.

We are experiencing audio difficulties...topic

Hello hartz. I am not so much of an advice person, but I will try to imagine what might work.

Is your friend on the Spectrum? I have noticed some challenged people whose voices are embarrassingly loud. Ignoring them makes them louder. And this is a rude thing to do to a friend.

I have known seniors who have developed age related deafness to talk louder when they find they cannot hear something. It almost sounds as if they are going to have a meltdown.

If someone is loud, I tend to lower my voice to almost a whisper. Some people will follow suit. I have also kidded people and said that we had better not talk too loud or else the police will hear us. If this does not work, what morning_after wrote is helpful:


"I think I would take her aside, so that it's just the two of you, and tell her you don't want to hurt her feelings, but the volume of her voice bothers you, and I would talk about being sensitive to noise and not being able to block out background noise so that she understands why you would feel distressed by that."

I would agree with Morning_after and sartresue. Be kind but honest with your new friend. If she's really a friend worth having she will understand and glad that you care enough about her and your friendship to be frank. My sister, my kids, my husband, all tell me from time to time that I am talking too loud. It doesn't seem loud to me. But I appreciate it when they tell me, kindly, helpfully, "Sssh, you're talking too loud." My usual reaction is surprise "I am?" Then I thank them and lower my voice.

A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

Kids say the darndest things topic

Thanks for sharing, cosmiccat.

No, she is not on the Spectrum. She is very emotional, though. And thoroughly NT. One of the things that makes me like her, though, is that she is sensitive to some of the same things I am. She just happens to speak loudly when she gets enthusiastic. I have told her about my Asperger's, and she has seen how I panic when a siren goes by, or a loud motorcycle. I did something rather awkward the other day, too. We were sitting near a public building and she was speaking very loudly about a rather embarrassing topic. I remembered that I had seen a child sitting out of sight, and asked her to lower her voice because I didn't want the child to hear. She seemed to get annoyed at me, and said something about not caring what others thought. Why is it so hard to ask her to lower her voice just for me?

Well, you have to believe you're worth it, for starters.

And you are.

I also sometimes become loud when I'm talking and get excited about a project. Part of the problem is that my hearing is a bit wonky - and I had severe ear infections a lot as a kid, plus a mother who was deaf (for all intents) when I was growing up. So I've always had trouble knowing how "loud" was too loud. I didn't get the automatic checks that a lot of people did, either external or internal ones. My kid reminds me now if I'm too loud in a "normal" conversation - it happens from time to time.

On the flip side, I had to run public meetings for a government agency for a while, many years ago, and I would speak so softly (without realizing it) that nobody could hear me and I'd have to pretty much repeat myself when I was 1/3 of the way through my introductory comments. That was awkward. Oh, my yes, that was.

I suggest just saying to your friend "You know, my hearing is very sensitive. I know you don't realize it, but sometimes you speak very loudly, and I find that distracting from the conversation. I'll let you know if you're getting too loud for me by telling you "volume control" [ or some other "secret" code ] so that you can tone it down a bit. I'd really appreciate that! I hate missing what you're trying to tell me."

Or something like that?

Last edited by Nan on 31 Mar 2008, 5:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Great reply, Nan.

An NT who wants to be your friend is probably very empathetic.

Nan suggests that you start with your problem then how to solve it. In that way you are not having a go at her. I am sure she will respond with kindness...but it will be hard for her to get into the habit of lowering her voice.

I always say that my husband doesn't need a mobile phone ...his friends can hear him suburbs away.!

I am loud too and have embarrassed my family for years. Once I was talking to Smelena's teacher who had been teaching anatomy. She had told the class that during sex, the male placed the penis inside etc. "Placed!" I said. "Placed! More like thrust!?" ...loud laughter on my part.

This conversation happened in Coles. Helen was standing beside me. She cites that as one of the most embarrassing moments of her life!

Lurking and stimming....
B:bounce:ing! B:bounce:ing! B:bounce:ing!....

She's still speaking to you?