Quoting Morningafter:
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My brother was talking with us on the way home and we both think that it was also brought on in part by stress. But he seems to think the stress was caused by everyone in the immediate family except for him. Most of her stress surrounds my dad, but he also blaims the family dinamic as a whole. Whe he kept saying that we all played a part in it, I asked him what I could do. He said something that didn't really bother me but confused me a little.
He said that I need to grow up. He claims that I tend to shirk all responsibility. The thing is that I never consciously shirk it, ever. He sited things like getting with my fiduciary (which in the past hasn't worked out well) paying off my bills (which unless there's one I don't know about I am paid up) and moving out (which I've been looking at prices just trying to find one I could afford close enough to where I work).
I don't really know what your family dynamics are, so can only respond based on what you have provided. Does your brother know that you have AS and that you may never "grow up" according to his definition? Do your parents want you to move out? Do you think their lives would be better if you moved out? It seems to me that you are a help and support to them, you are there to help them out in an emergency and that they depend on you in many ways. So really, what is the big deal with your living with them. It's been my experience that siblings always get on the case of the brother or sister that stay behind and live with Mom & Dad. I think your brother should be glad that you are there with them since he is an hour away. Maybe, and this is just a maybe because I don't know your personal affairs, but maybe he thinks that you stand to gain financially if anything should happen to Mom & Dad. I don't know the laws in Nevada, but in PA, if an adult child, or even a grandchild or niece/nephew are living in the house when the parent(s) die, the house goes automatically to the child, unless, of course, there's a will. And sometimes these siblings even project their own materialistic, greedy, fantasy onto the sibling still living at home and put pressure on them to move out so the "estate" can be divvied up between all siblings. I've seen so many examples of this kind of thing. Just a maybe, though. I just don't understand why it is so vital for you to move out. You seem like a decent person, son. You don't drink or drug, you have a job, you're not a criminal, you're not abusive to your parents, you help out financially (400.00 a month is a darn good sum of money and I'm sure it helps a lot with the bills and expenses), you help both your parents in many ways from what I've heard in this and other posts. It seems to me that society in general is against the extended family and I think that is just unnatural. I think the old should take care of the young and the young should take care of the old. But this would put a real hurting on the nursing home industry and the insurance companies.
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Now I will give him one thing. I'm not very organized and have struggled with that. I can be very distracted and lose sight of keepingmy things organized and sometimes get distracted from whatever I want to do. It is possible that he sees that and confuses it with consciously shirking my responsibilities onto someone else. he's also looked at the way that I act in general and got the wrong idea about me in the past, like when he got upset with my parents whenthey celebrated my getting b's and c's in school only knowing that they would have cracked down on him unless he got a's.
Another maybe: Does Mom (or Dad) perhaps get on the phone with your brother or other family members and complain about you living there without realizing that she or he is causing antagonism. I've seen this happen a lot also. People are just having a bad day and whining about all kinds of things just because they have someone on the other end to listen. But they don't mean to cause a problem or make trouble, they're just ranting. The person (family member) who is listening gets the wrong impression, puts too much weight in the complaints, it gets exaggerated in their mind and they think if you would just move out, Mom or Dad would stop complaining to them and they wouldn't have to worry about them so much and have all that stress would be taken off their shoulders. Just another maybe for you. Also, again, doesn't your brother realized that b's & c's for you were a real achievement, otherwise, why would Mom & Dad celebrate it? Brother was able to achieve a's, good for him. Kind of immature of him to be hung up on such nonsense, don't you think? He should be glad that they pushed him a little to get a's. They knew he could do it (not saying you couldn't if you cared to) and he probably went to college (seminary school) because they gave him an extra little shove. Did you ever think of this? Maybe Jesus wants you to be with Mom & Dad. Offer that little tid-bit to big brother.
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And he does live somewhere around an hour's drive away from the rest of the family, has his own family, and doesn't see me often. I do kind of wonder if he would change his outlook a little if he were around me more. I don't know. I just know that based on the past we've had together and some of the things that he says when I'm around him I do not trust him to make any assessments of me.
Good for you for not trusting his assessment of you. Assess your self. I think you are right. If he lived closer he would probably see that you are doing a damned fine job of being you. He's probably stressed enough and making assumptions on what he hears, rather than what he sees. He's got his own family to worry about and all of Mom & Dad's problems are making him anxious because he's not around the corner to run over to them when they're having a bad time. He feels guilty, after all, he's a pastor, and he just doesn't have the time or energy to keep all of his sheep happy all of the time.
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And, btw, I do pay $100 a week in rent here, so I do contribute there and I do contribute with the housework a little. I did already talk with one friend about this who said that she thought I was pretty mature, especially trying to put myself in his shoes, trying to see how he sees things, etc, even if I do get it wrong.
It's commendable that you are able to be so open minded about this and give your big bro the benefit of the doubt. But don't you just wish that he could put himself in your shoes for a minute or two? I don't know many (if any) neurotypicals that could put themselves in an Aspie's shoes. Well, maybe they could put their feet in them, but it's doubtful that they could walk a mile in them.
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I guess that the statement kind of confuses me because on the one hand I know he means well but on the other hand he is someone that I've felt like I need to keep at a distance, and he's constantly stayed at that distance, mainly because he tends to try to take over and control things when he doesn't seem to be fully aware of what he's doing. For example, the first time my dad was in the hospital he tried to order me out of the hospital room even though my mom had asked me to be there. He's also had a tendency in the past to basically tell my parents they didn't do a good enough job raising me, and got on my case every time he thought I was critical of my parents.
I guess I'm wondering exactly how much truth there is to what he says ad how much of what he says I shoul just throw out. btw, I've always found him to be a bit of an a--hole with me and intend to continue keeping him at a distance unless we both reach a point where I feel I can trust him, so getting closer right now is out of the question.
It sounds like you are in the middle, being pulled by two factions. It can't be a pleasant position for you to be in. But, you have a good head on your shoulders, you are reading between all the lines, you have insights and instincts that those factions do not have. You will find a way to straighten everything out and make the right choices. You know what the truth is. Don't let other people's truths screw you up. Distance is a good thing, if you think you can't trust him you probably shouldn't. Just believe in yourself. That's all.
14 Aug 2008, 7:13 pm
She might be old but she is pretty darn fresh. Likes it when I smoke my cigars too. I'm getting too relevant.
