Hello! I am a stepmom and stepson possibly Aspie

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Hello again kfisherx

You are very welcome. And yes I have this problem lol I am always worried about offending others, this is from my chilhood, my parents were never happy with the things I said or did and I got reprimended quite a few times for "saying it like it is" (or as I perceived it). Here is an example that comes to my mind, one of my aunts came to visit during the Holidays, I couldn't see well who it was standing outside through the curtains, and I thought oh it must be a Jehovah witness (I have nothing against them, but we had many visits from them at the time), so when I opened the door I saw it was her (and I liked her very much) and said exactly what I thought, which is "oh hello, I thought it was a Jehovah witness" ... in the mean time my mother came over to see who was at the door and she of course heard my comment, she asked me to go to another room with her and slapped me hard for saying what I said. So see we all have our issues lol. One of mine is a lack of self esteem and confidence.

Shadi

Hello zaidjit

To answer your first question (if you mean about my stepson having AS), it matters to me first and foremost because I love him and whatever happens to him is important to me, but also because it changes the perspective about some things to know (or at least strongly suspect) that he has AS.

Also maybe it would help my husband understand him much better. I can tell him about the things I understand about him over and over he simply does not believe me, and prefers to not see it, for example when his son doesn't understand a joke he doesn't realise that he didn't, that he didn't have any reaction, or worse if it is the 'teasing' kind of joke, he doesn't realise that it can hurt him because he takes it litterally and doesn't realise it was a joke, so he continues despite the fact that I asked him numerous times to stop, that it was just hurtful for his son (in the case of teasing) and that he was taking the joke litterally thinking it was a fact (and then I have to explain to my stepson that it was only a joke). Don't get me wrong tho, my husband loves his son dearly, its just that he likes to joke and tease, and that as many dads, he prefers to think his son is and thinks like him.

Also with other people, it would help him understand that his son can sometimes be very naive despite his high intelligence, again I told my husband about this but he doesn't believe me, he thinks that because his son is smart he has everything figured out and that no one can manipulate him, but I am 100% certain that he is wrong, I know my stepson can be naive and not understand if a person has bad intentions, or manipulate him into doing some things for their own benefit. These are just a few example of how it would help if he knew his son has AS.

And I am also hoping that it would help my stepson feel better about himself, he mentioned quite a few times how he feels he is weird and different, and how it is difficult for him to make new friends, so to know that he is simply 'wired' differently, and to meet other people with AS and/or on the autism spectrum, I think could help him immensely with his self esteem and these feelings he has (and told me) about not being 'normal', and feeling lonely, he would see that he is actually normal, that he just thinks differently then NTs and that he is far from being alone.

About the bonding issue, your doctor may have told you that it is a different issue, however if you read through this forum (and other places) you will see that it is something pretty common among people with AS (not all of course, and many NTs also have this issue as well - including me - so it is not only an AS issue).

However sure I could simply let it go .... I don't even know what to do yet or if I should say anything, but I tend to think I should tell at least my husband, because of some of the reasons I just mentioned, and then from there we can discuss and see if we should tell my stepson and get a diagnosis or let it go.

About your rude awakening, people being nice in front of you but not liking you ... I feel this way too about it, I tend to be naive and to think everyone is good, and then some of them prove me wrong, and it is always hurtful when you realise someone you liked and you thought liked you, actually doesn't like you, it probably feels the same whether you are AS or NT, it hurts. I used to be more naive when I was younger, but I still have to make an effort not to trust too easily.

Now about the necessity to speak every time I see someone, its not that way, I don't feel the need to speak every time I see someone, but it simply feels awkward to me if he (my stepson) walks around the house all day in silence, without a word, and I think it actually sometimes feels awkward to him as well if I am too silent, sometimes it is just that he doesn't know what to say and/or thinks we would need to have an actual conversation and doesn't feel like talking (which we don't need to have, I tend myself to be introverted and I don't need to speak that much generally nor to have long conversations all the time). So what I do if we cross each other is I simply say "hey" (as in hello), simply to let him know I am not ignoring him (which is how it can feel sometimes, at least for me, if someone walks around me for hours without saying a word to me), and he does the same.

About this: "Why do people assume you are arrogantly flaunting your knowledge when you use the vocabulary at your disposal? How is one to really understand the level of comprehesion the person one is conversing with has without reading the other's mind?" ... you are absolutely right about this, but how can I explain ... first let me tell you that I have this problem myself with, for example, my husband, I also tend to want to explain things (in reality I am simply sharing what I know and/or something I am interested in), and often he will say "do you think I am stupid?", I also tend to use uncommon words sometimes when discussing, even my dad noticed and it was upsetting him, to him it felt like I wanted to show I was smarter then him (which of course is not true), I can imagine that others had the same feelings when I talked (which is another reason why I don't talk that much, I am worried about offending others unintentionally). The thing is when you explain something, people assume that you think they don't already know since you are explaining it, so sometimes it can be insulting to them (again just because they think you assume they don't know and/or that you are smarter then them), especially if the person you are talking to already has an inferiority complex. And about the vocabulary, it is because you possibly speak in a slightly different way then most people, using some words that are sometimes uncommon, however if you talked the same way around people who use the same vocabulary they probably wouldn't feel that you are arrogant or 'showing-off', etc. I mentioned Frasier in my message simply to give an idea of how he can sound sometimes when 'giving a speech' about something, I absolutely didn't mean that he is actually arrogant, the character Frasier however is openly a "know-it-all" in the show, he actually likes showing off his knowledge, and he possibly thinks he is superior to others people (again in the show, I don't mean in real life), which is not the case with my stepson, it is simply the way he talks, he has a great vocabulary. And you are right, you can't read the other person's mind, so you can't tell whether they already knew something or not.

And yes compassion is something different, some people have more then others, some people have more empathy and/or sympathy for others, whether they are NT or AS. I have definitely seen my stepson show compassion and empathy in certain situations.

Shadi

Shadi2,

Thank you for answering my questions. I understand now. I wish you the best of luck. This website has a plethora of information. Your stepson is very lucky to have a stepmom like you looking out for him.

Hello again zaidjit

You are very welcome, and thank you for your kind words and wishes.

I am so glad I found this website, I have been reading through the forums, and I agree with you, there is a lot of information here, it is a great place to learn and understand others, better then any other places I have seen where they just tell you about some possible AS characteristics from a doctor's point of view, here you can learn about real people's issues and opinions.

Shadi