I´be had a lot of similar thoughts to what you describe. I always pictured depression as like being in a bootcamp that you can´t leave also. I´ve also thought about it like being chained to a treadmill put on its highest setting, or being in a boxing ring without being able to hold up your hands. I´m not really afraid of the end of the game either, its more about leaving the game early, I wanna know what happens too damnit!
As for nutrition, could it be that the overweight people are overweight because they are depressed and unable to work out, and not depressed because they are overweight? And that the fit people are fit because they are happy and able to work out, and not happy because they are fit? I´m not saying that eating right won´t help you feel better, but that being fit won´t cure your depression unless your depressed about not being fit. Sort of a catch 22, if you believe its bad, then its bad, but if you don´t believe it is, then it won´t depress you. And who told you that you aren´t cut out for your dream career? Einsteins teachers told his parents he was a ret*d and that they should give up on having him schooled because he would never excel in academics, and we all know how that one turned out. People can be wrong, try to have more faith in yourself.
A huge cause of my depression was thinking that I had to have the happiness that NT´s had, that that was the only definition of happiness and if I didn´t have that, then I couldn´t be happy. Once I realized that I would never have that kind of happiness, it made me more free to find my own happiness. Also, a lot of the time if I wasn´t happy, I would get depressed, because I thought that if I wasn´t happy, then something was wrong. But there was a middle ground in there, in that I shouldn´t get depressed just because I wasn´t happy. I should learn to be satisfied with not being depressed, then strive for happiness, and that helped A LOT. It was like being in the boxing ring and I kept just getting nailed with these blows from depression because my hands were at my sides. But, if I just learned to put my hands up, I wouldn´t get hit. I didn´t have to hit back, if I just learned to avoid the punches then things would be better.
It seems that you have a lot figured out already, just keep working at understanding yourself, that helps enormously, as once you figure out what makes YOU happy, you can forget about trying to attain what you see that makes others happy. I´ve found that an aspies kind of happiness is far different from the type of happiness that NT´s have. The same things don´t appeal to us, so it naturally follows that we won´t be happy doing the things that they do to be happy. You already figured that out, its just the getting to know yourself part that takes forever (unfortunately). So, keep chipping away, it takes a long time to figure out who each of us is, its a long ugly process that most people avoid, but is necessary process for people with depression to confront. You´ve already got a great start, just keep going, and don´t stop moving!! !
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Only a miracle can save me; too bad I don't believe in miracles.
09 Jul 2006, 6:48 am
