Anyone else worn out from mimicking normalcy? New Member...

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This is a great discussion. It was from the Tiredness that I found out Ihad Asperger's. I have spent my life modellin people and thier interactions in my head so that I could "fit in". I am sucessful and ended up directing a team of 300 people in a tech firm. What clued me in ewas that I was having panic attacks when it came to interacting with my workmates outside of work (the structure of the office environment). It is often nessecary for the "boss" to host a offsite friendly get together and I found that I was in a panic about them. Million dolar deals were no problem, talkin in fronnt of people no problem (i was in control) but nonstructured environments were bringing me down.

THe right medication and the right therapist helped me get over the anxienty (and depression) and got me to focus on the things that make me happier. I was diagnosed at age 46 and I am 49 now. I am still working at the same job, I can handle things better now but I am now begiining to build a business on what really makes me happy (coin collecting). maybe I can retire to it someday.

I have goiven a few talks to the aspergers community here in Massachusetts and found it rewarding. Remember the golden rule

The issue is not that we have aspergers
The issue is that the NT community does not

and

There are a lot more of them than us

Its not fair but it is true. We have to live in their world as illogical as that is.

My eyes welled up as I read this thread. So many of you out there feel exactly like I do and have lived exactly like I did.
The "mask" we all speak of to me is more like a suit of lead. Its very heavy, very uncomfortable, but its the only protection I have, its the only way for me to blend into the every day day-to-day. It is EXHAUSTING!! Until very recently, it was very confusing as well. Why am I so different? Why is being anyone but me, the only way to communicate? Why can't I choose when to focus/obsess and when to not?
So many unanswered questions. I was misdiagnosed with Turrets Syndrome early in life. It always seemed to form more questions than answers. I match up perfectly to a lot of the criteria, and a lot of it, isn't me at all. If not Turrets, than what?
Just knowing finally "what/who" I am now explains so very much. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I always felt like there was a "me" and "them" division. Now I know its true but I also know its not just me, it is an "US" and "them" division.
I like the labels if you must. Aspies and NTs. I will proudly wear the "Aspie" label.

I've enjoyed reading all of the comments in this thread and find they give me a great sense of solidarity and connection.

I was wondering if anyone else here finds personal freedom when they are in a large anonymous group of people. For example, at a concert, in a large train station (my favorite is Philadelphia's 30th Street Station) or walking through the city streets alone. I always find these types of situations or environments very liberating.

Being alone but with large numbers of strangers always reinforces my own personal identity and I feel very peaceful at such times. I feel a sense of togetherness, that I am part of something bigger than myself but secure in my anonymity and the anonymity of society that surrounds me. It's the smaller, everyday groups of people that make me feel so insecure and desperate. It's in these smaller groups of "known" people that I feel I must perform and put on my mask and perform. It's in these small groups that I become most anxious and aware that I am different, recognized, judged and that I must meet the expectations of others.

Re: cosmiccat, only if I'm faking it at the time. Something is (or isn't) projecting that I deserve equal respect and civil treatment when I appear to be like them, and I would actually blend in with a crowd. That is lberating, yes, since I'm getting something I can't get otherwise, and they don't even know they're giving it.

Without faking it, I'm less comfortable, because now I'm doing everything I can to stop trying to control where my mouth, eyes, brows, nose, ears etc.. look like, along with how I'm standing and where I look - everything we're talking about. It feels weird, like I'm deliberately presenting more, when I'm actually trying extraordinarily hard not to automatically cover up.

So yea, as long as I'm blending in, a crowd feels great - and same as you, as long as I don't see anyone I know.

I also wonder from any of you, in times when you've shown a friend who you really are, is it next to impossible to wear the mask in front of them again? Extremely awkward to mask in front of a third party while this second person is there too?

@ AbqAsP

The last job that I had was a perfect example of this. I worked at a gas station, and oddly enough I enjoyed being around the people. It was perfect minute conversations with people who would come in and move on to make room for the next. More often than not, it was never in-depth enough for me to have to worry about hiding anything. However, fitting in with my co-workers and some of the regulars was a different story. It seemed like every person I dealt with had a slightly different version of me, something that was fit to them. I don't even know if anyone really saw me for me.

I don't work there now, and I do find myself missing the social interactions. Probably because it was about the only time I could socialize with others without worrying about looking like an idiot (or at least that's how I felt). I still find myself hiding with most people in my life. I am trying to make the changes to just be myself, but it is hard. Hopefully at time goes by, things will get easier.

I agree that faking it is a survival mechanism, especially for someone who hates disapproval. At 52, I only just started to shed my masks. The question now is, Who am I really?

@ Ictus, invisible mode. Yes, that's a good way of putting it.

Something I worry about a lot in social situations, and have good reason to, is my facial expressions. In small groups and at work I get a lot of disturbing comments, some are even rude. It almost makes me want to wear a real mask. People think I am mean, angry, hurt, upset, etc., when I'm not. My face tics when I try to force a smile. Too bad we can't carry an assortment of those little smilies around with us. A small electronic pocket smilie generator that we can pull out when needed, like the Popeil Pocket Fisherman.

That's awesome, a smilie generator! I need the model that comes with a nuclear fission core in order to satisfy all the people I know... lol

Invisible mode is an excellent way of putting that - I know I've been trying to be invisible since I started school in America. I'd also agree with everyone else on here - I called it a coping mechanism, but it is a survival mechanism... Obviously none of us wanted to do it but felt we had to for various reasons. I suppose when I use 'coping mechanism' I mean something/anything like 'This odd thing you would fix about me if I was typical, but because I have AS, there's a good reason for it/it's sorta okay for me.'

Unduki, I'm trying to figure that out right now too... I wanna say the mask is so automatic or embedded that I have to deliberatly pull off the parts I know are fake. Any uneducated onlooker could say I'm deliberately presenting more... One thing I'm doing is spending lots of time with myself, because it will be more natural for me to uncover who I am alone, and then I can more clearly identify which stuff is being fought against when I go out. I still can't figure out whether to keep any of the major pieces, because surely they will cause other humiliations in my life that I haven't experienced before, since I've never been that way in public (maybe when I was 0-10?). At least they'll be deserving humiliations from now on.

Trying to figure out how to not keep any of it.

OP I am older than you a bit and female, and feel the same. I stopped trying to "do the proper people thing" several years ago. I have mentioned before here somewhere that I feel like an animal trapped in a barbed wire fence sometimes. Finding peace and quiet at home or out on a remote un-used hiking trail is my recharge time. I wish I had found out a long time ago because it may have allowed me some measure of positive experiences. I have bad memories that I try to release so as to not be quite as anxious all the time.
I'm not in good shape right now because the holidays are, (except for music I listen to) really over- stimulating and hurtful. It is lonely having no friends but I am at least not being insulted and confused all the time.
- edited to fix spelling

I wish I had found out a long time ago too, even though I am younger than many of the posters in this thread. Surely we're all validating the impact that it's had on our lives and to some extent (at least for me) lament the difference it would have made if we had known.

Feels like the decision to live without the mask is like a major life priority change. All my life everyone else has lived for themselves or learned to love themselves, and it just happened to coincide with 'acceptability'. Now my priority is no longer 'be acceptable', its just like you said, I deserve:

not being insulted and confused all the time.

When I meet people whose view of acceptability coincides with who I am, then there won't be this extreme social anxiety about being me around them. Surely I'll still get confused, but these people will not insult me and will help me un-confuse myself hopefully... It's a dream at the moment..

BTW, in general, and speaking to everyone who has posted in this thread (and any new people reading)
are you aware that there is a special thread called the "Dino-Aspie Ex-Cafe" for "those over 40 or just creaky"

I've been away for awhile, but it's a nice place to relax, get to know other members, and discuss just about anything
you like instead of having to stick to a topic. Just thought I'd mention it.

Dino Aspie Ex Cafe

I prefer to call it adapting rather than faking. I adapt and cope with the nt world as a matter of survival.
I'm 41 and relate somewhat. I think age plays a part.
So much attention is paid to young people with AS that I think the amount of mental deterioration we middle aged aspies have is underestimated. I know so much more about social norms than when I was young but I get tired very easily. It's just too much to process.
Similiar to your spelling issue; I now have short term memory problems. 10 years ago I could recite back entire conversations word for word the next day or months later. Now I am lucky to know what was said 5 minutes ago.

Tired of 'faking' it? Short answer: yeah. I've had some years now to deprogram and de-stress, though.