A very long story, poorly-edited.

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Sounds as though things are becoming a lot more positive for you ZengarZombolt.

Sorry to hear about the lawsuit, I find it almost incredible that your mother won the lawsuit after her behaviour. I hope you can get hold of some good legal help, and if there is any justice in the world, you'll win.

Good luck and keep us posted.

...All right...I suppose there's a lot to be said, so I suppose I should get to it.

I appealed the lawsuit; long story short, my mother didn't show up in time for the hearing date, so I won the judgment by default.

And...The interview succeeded somehow, and I had a job testing at a software company.

That's about when things stopped getting positive.

The job only lasted two months until they caught me at two of my meltdowns; they didn't know what to do with me, and from there it went sharply downhill. My primary social worker discussed options with them; nothing came of those options, because they sent me home that day and subsequently fired me over the phone, citing "work performance" (which didn't make much sense, seeing as I'd filed a great deal of high-quality bugs and was working to file even more of them per day).

I'd have filed an ADA complaint if they didn't have a valid excuse for firing me--being late for a week in a row while trying to cope with an insane bus schedule in the mornings. Though I'd corrected the problem, it was still on my record, and they still used it against me as was their right. So I moved on.

Now, Il believe that I'd still be in that job right now if I'd had therapy ahead of time and the proper supports--neither of which my roommates gave me time to get before they ordered me to get a job. In fact, right after I got fired I'd asked the people I was living with if they'd be willing to put up with me getting therapy while I was waiting two months to get my SSI back, and they agreed. At first. One week later, they were restless again. One of my social workers tried to contact one of them about what was going on; he went along with what the worker said, came home, then told me it was "BS" and I was "making excuses." He ordered me to get another job.

I ended up getting a contract web design gig. It doesn't satisfy them; they think it's a cop-out because I'm "not dealing with people;" they'd rather see me in a retail or food-service job because that's all they ever knew, growing up.

But it's plain to see that the people I'm living with are desperate to have their living room back. Believing that they're too "nice" to just throw me out, however, they're attempting to aggravate me with things I know I'm unable to take--in ever-increasing measure--so that when I do something that gives them an excuse to kick me to the curb, they'll have a clear conscience. This is what is happening now. Either they want me "normal" and "facing reality" or they want me gone. Much to my chagrin, this is heavily reminiscient of what I dealt with when living with my mother.

(This afternoon--hilariously enough--I was given the order not to have any more meltdowns or they were going to throw me out. They said doing that was me "being selfish," that I was "an embarrassment." Yep, still trying "tough love" and not getting the fact that I have a developmental disability is going to solve things. It has to be on purpose.)

And that's not all; not by a long shot. See, if you've had the perserverance to read this thread in the past, you know that I used to have a place to crash at to avoid Halo every weekend; as of this week, that option appears to exist no longer. My friend has a new roommate and the situation has changed.

Moreover, the Halo 3 beta starts next week; they have expressed their intentions to play it every night of the beta period (seemingly about a month's worth). Even if I had my other friend's place to crash at, I wouldn't be able to avoid it the entire time. There just would not be any way. I believe they're well aware of this little fact.

(The first week of the beta also happens to be the week that my primary social worker is taking her first vacation in four years. Convenient, isn't it? Someone up there really wants to see me suffer.)

The only good news in all of this is that an apartment's been found for me by my regional center. Unfortunately, it comes too-little, too-late, as the move-in date is June 1st and by that time I'm sure to have become homeless. (My center's emergency housing program is sticking me in a motel for one week, granted, but seven days out of twenty probably isn't going to help me much.) We've been investigating a way to accelerate the move-in somehow. So far that does not appear to be possible.

(The irony in the middle of all this...Is that I'm finally on the path to getting therapy. If the attempts to break me continue for much longer, though, you're more likely to find me in the mental hospital instead.)

And there you are. Add to this the fact that due to changing conditions in the industry I want to work in I'm forced to give up on a dream that I've had since age 12, plus multiple failures at love and companionship, plus inability to focus...Well, you see where this is headed: I'm slowly losing the will to live.

You guys think it's worth it for me to keep going on? Discuss, if you want.

What an odd thing that this thread would be resurrected on the first night I post...

That is to say, I came very near to winding up on the street due to the combination of my unrelationship with my mother and my job difficulties. And I've been to the mental hospital. Twice. That was while I was still in high school though. I've floated from friends' house to friend's house, and I've had weeks where I had to budget my change pretty carefully to eat.

But I came through, despite some pretty bleak-looking times. Yes, I work a crappy retail job, and I dislike it. Yes, I have difficulty with some things that many people consider basic living skills. Yes, my social life is nearly non-existent. Yes, there's times when I feel like I just keep having to push my dreams and aspirations farther and farther back to make room for dealing with "other stuff." And that gets me more than anything.

Strikes me as funny though, that on a night, somewhat depressed and anxious about my troubles with AS of late, that I join a forum for people like me, and find a stark reminder of how far I've come in the last couple years. I'm paid damn well for a retail job, I've been managing my finances sorta well, and my living situation is under *my* control... the most liberating feeling I've ever had in my life.

I'm not yet where I want to be, but I never thought I would make it as far as I have.

Please, please, don't give up.

Hi ZengarZombolt, how strange....cue spooky music.....I was wondering just the other day if you'd post again and let us know how you were doing.

You guys think it's worth it for me to keep going on? Discuss, if you want.

Welll, like YES! You've done loads of positive stuff since your last post. You've beaten your mother in the lawsuit they said you couldn't win. (Hurray! One to the Aspies!! !)

You got a job which shows that you are capable of getting a job. That's no small thing actually, getting through the interview etc. The fact that you got fired is not so good, but at least you know why it happened. Don't ever give anyone an excuse to fire you again.

I ended up getting a contract web design gig. It doesn't satisfy them; they think it's a cop-out because I'm "not dealing with people;" they'd rather see me in a retail or food-service job because that's all they ever knew, growing up. So they're unsatisfied with your performance, lol, that's most unfortunate for them. I love amateurs who know just what's best for us, and feel free to tell us their expert opinions, don't you Why they don't turn professional is a mystery, the world has a great need of more patronizing people, there just aren't enough of them already.

You have an apartment! Wow, that's excellent news. That's a real positive step forward, 1st June is not long away. Just keep focusing on that, what happens in between, well, somehow it'll get sorted. You might get longer in a motel, or a temporary place, but whatever, you'll still have your own place soon.


And there you are. Add to this the fact that due to changing conditions in the industry I want to work in I'm forced to give up on a dream that I've had since age 12, plus multiple failures at love and companionship, plus inability to focus...Well, you see where this is headed: I'm slowly losing the will to live.

Perhaps it's just me not viewing your story from your angle but I read it in a more positive way. You've proved you're a survivor ZengarZombolt with what you've done in the past. You've got age on your side, you've got energy (you must have, to do what have in the past months) you're getting your own place, you're on the path to getting therapy...looks pretty positive from where I'm sitting. All you gotta do is just hang in there for a bit longer.

Thanks for letting us know how things are going.

Last edited by Starr on 11 May 2007, 4:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome aboard Wobbit! ~missed you there, I must have been typing while you were posting.

That was a win through blind luck, not through skill. If she'd shown up ten minutes earlier I would've had to take her on. I actually would've preferred to, regardless of whether it meant that I could lose; some form of closure could've been had.

At least she doesn't seem to have come after me again. Unfortunately, provided I get through all this I'll have to go after her next in order to try to get my possessions back. (I don't find it likely; chances are high she'll have sold or destroyed everything of mine by now. Some of it was pretty valuable, too.)

And it doesn't fix the fact that she's crazy; doubt anything ever will, short of drugs. I do care about her psychological state, her being my only immediate living relative and all...



Only due to my references. I'm fairly certain of that now.



The people I live with know why it happened, too, though. Not willing to admit that I had a disability, they ignored the "meltdown" part and beat me down about the "being late" part.

It's a bit of the reason why they're so eager to get rid of me. That cannot be undone.



At the moment, they also happen to hold their life in my hands.

May want to rethink what you just said.



The motels in this area are $100 a night and up, on the same scale as the hotels. I don't have enough within either my bank account or credit card to absorb the cost, even taking my regional center's seven days of emergency housing into account.

I could get a hotel outside of the area, but if I don't want to lose my disability supports for at least a month (while regional centers are switched), I have to stay within it.

Haven't yet mentioned that I have no one to forward my mail to; when/if they throw me out, my mail will go in the garbage very, very quickly (along with anything else I own), out of spite if nothing else. Certain agencies that I deal with won't deliver to a Post Office Box, either.

Not to mention that the move-in deal hasn't even been finalized yet; my social worker found a few apartments for me before, only for those deals to fall apart for whatever reason at the last minute.



About thirteen years late out of the gate; partly why I'm having problems with dating is that everyone's out of my age bracket. Being at/over 30 does not help.



"Had." Sorry to tell you I'm out of it. My sensitivity to the things around me is increasing as a result. My thoughts are drifting further toward suicide; the outside pressure from the people I live with is (naturally) accelerating the pace. There isn't really much that I can do that can get me away from it; a major psychological block is that I can't change focus quickly or easily, and this goes for the unsolvable problems as much as the solvable ones.



In eighteen days, mind--by which time it will be too late, as the evenings of all eighteen will be devoted to the people here playing Halo until early hours and aggravating me.

And again, that I'll have the apartment to begin with is predicate upon the deal being finalized.



Yesterday it was discovered that the place I was attempting to get a referral to was at capacity for Medi-Cal/Medicare patients. And as every other psychiatrist and psychologist in the area is in the same state, that leaves me with one guy who will take a very long time to see me...By which time, again, it will be too late.

And again, my primary social worker is out this weekend and all of next week; any further investigation is stalled because of that. The only thing any hospital in the area can currently offer me is hospitalization in the event that I attempt suicide or feel overwhelmingly suicidal.

Yeah; I was desperately hoping for some sort of therapy, but...With this development, no option is feasibly available.



You have not been the first to say that.

The exact same thing is what people have been saying to me for years now.

My social worker, most of all; She knows that she can do nothing about the situation; the regional center knows, too. All they can really do is try to catch me when I fall, so like everyone else they (unhelpfully) tell me to "hang in there." Where has it gotten me? More waiting and a difficulty curve that grows steeper by the day.

I listened to other people when I told them about the situation with my mother, living in fear of her barging into my room and demanding things of me (which happened constantly as you can guess); naturally they told me to get out of there. Where has it gotten me? Living in fear of the actions of two other people who resent me on an increasing basis in the living room of an apartment. I may as well have not have moved out of my mother's house at all, right?

I listened to others when they insisted not to give up on love; that I'd find it "someday." Again, where has it gotten me? Waiting and despondency, and a four day relationship with a delusional, pathological liar.

I listened to my grandparents and my outside family when they told me not to give up on my mother; though I loved them dearly (and still cherish their memory)...Sadly, where did that get me? Living 29 years with a co-dependent, textbook sociopath who forged my signature, asserted her dominance over me, and freely betrayed my family's trust.

Thirty years of this, mind you; Thirty years of following the advice of others and still not anywhere close to where I wanted to be. I'm still beholden to a couple of individuals, carrying ten times as much emotional baggage as when I started with, not a single human being who is both in a position to help me and will stand by me without reservation. All this time and I'm...About one inch away from the starting line, when everyone around me (even other people with Asperger's) is halfway down the track.

For mercy's sake, I'm tired. There's no way that anyone can comprehend the amount of effort I've put in for virtually no return. Carrying on like this...Living for an empty future, it looks futile. I keep going, hoping for something and time and time again, I get burned.

If I had some positive, tangible, indisputable result of my labors that I could hold on to with certainty--something that would not fail to fall within or not betray my expectations--something that no one could deny or hold against me--then it would be easier. There has not been any such thing--and if it hasn't come in thirty years' time, then the sample dictates that any chance of it emerging is too remote to hope for in two and a half weeks.

I see my life at this very moment in this way: as a consumer, I have every right to get a refund for my defective product. No one would salute my surrender, sure--but no one will exactly remember me either way. (Give it about a decade and I may as well have never existed.)

I've always had the right to walk out on this farce since (as previously mentioned) the only reasons that have kept me from doing so have gone away. Call me a coward all you want, but those around me are handing out plenty of incentives to put an end to myself. (They don't want me to actually do it, perish the thought--but they are, like it or not.) If there's nothing to keep me from somehow making a "mistake" that these people I live with will see and throw me out over--which I determine to be of ever-growing likelihood--then that's probably exactly what I'm going to do, then and there. As my last act, I'll give them their living room back along with a lifetime's worth of guilt for their trouble.

HOWEVER:

If you have enough concern to want to change the outcome, you're welcome to speculate about possible options. I'll warn you, however, that others (all Neurotypical, granted) have run into options I've thoroughly explored. If you can find a viable option that I haven't before what I expect to happen happens, then you may help me beat this thing. And you may actually be more likely to, seeing as most of you have my disability; I suppose that's why I've come back here, talked for as long as I have, and am presenting my story here and now: because other people like me may be the only individuals capable of cracking this scenario.

So I'm asking for help. As things are, I've only got me, and "I'm" not enough. I've run out of options. More would be appreciated.

...That's all I have.

You're tired of your crappy life. Jeez, wait till you've been around as long as I have. Bet my life's been loads crappier than yours. Right, that silliness out of the way, let's state some facts.

You are in charge of your own life. No-one else.

You can't say you have no future, it's illogical, as unless you are psychic you cannot know what the future holds.

No-one ever said that this life s**t was easy. But the fact that it is difficult does not give you reason to do away with yourself.

Nothing you have said in any way could possibly justify you not living.

As things are, I've only got me, and "I'm" not enough. This is not true. This is an erroneous belief. Yes you are all you've got, every one of us is all we've got, and you are enough. You have got yourself, quite skillfully, to this point. As I say, yes, you are enough.

I've not given up on you yet ZengarZombolt. And neither should you.

Sorry you have only had replies from me, and I don't think I'm helping much...but I am trying. Maybe someone else will come along with some more suggestions...maybe post a copy of this is the Haven...I think more people would see it there.

That's correct. However, the one in charge of my life has also proven to be incompetent, generally not living up to expectations that I have placed in him. No amount of self-training and adjustment has proven adequate to correct his errors. He's more trouble than he's worth, if you ask me.

It's the main thing that therapy was supposed to help me resolve. Without therapy I doubt I'll ever be able to.



You don't have to be psychic; it's simple probabilty. If something does not occur 100% of the time over a thirty year period, then it is likely not to happen within the next two days.

Given my growing sensitivity combined with escalating pressure, as well as the lack of a safe haven from said escalating pressure, looking at it semi-logically I don't believe I'll be able to get through next week, let alone eighteen days. Barring divine intervention of some sort (obviously unlikely), this is the reality that I must face; after the previous trials set before me, I am not in shape to deal with it. Simple as that.



The fact that I have neither reason nor motivation to live (while faced with an impending psychological gauntlet the likes of which I've never faced, should I continue) gives me a very good reason indeed.

If you have a spare reason, though, I'd love to borrow one. (I'm serious about this.)



Again: Myself and I do not get along very well.

Again: I am psychologically tenuous. mentally drained, and generally vulnerable. No one who could conceivably help me in this situation is capable of doing so. The people I live with are purposely triggering my most vulnerable points in a purported attempt to "correct" me: therefore, I cannot continue against these odds. Heck, the chances of me not getting thrown out next week are slim at best.



I appreciate it. Just telling it like it is. though. Sad, certainly, but I can't tell it any other way...