Hello

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Stardust_Dragonfly - Thank you for the welcome as well.

I still don't feel like I belong here. But then, I've never felt like I belonged anywhere.

I'm way too many different people to really fit in anywhere without also going against the grain.

Usually I have to distill myself down to only 1-2 people. If I'm more than 3 people at once, it seems to get too overwhelming or confusing for others in some form or another.

When I just let my personality spill out naturally, I tend to be more like 5 people at once, and it's not always the same 5 people from moment to moment.

Let me see if I can explain what I mean by all that...

My brain is less like a single operator, and more like a board of directors. Everyone has different feelings on the matter, and they fight for control over the situation. Imagine the movie Inside Out, but there are WAY more than 5 emotions, and there's several of each one, and they're all different, and they're all trying to operate the controls at the same time. So I tend to have multiple simultaneous reactions to even a single stimuli. Very seldom do my thoughts and feelings have one single reaction to any single event. Often times the reactions are contradictory. I experience a wide variety of emotions, always more than one at once, also often contradictory emotions - and usually experience them more intensely than would normally be expected. Some thoughts and feelings I have little to no control over - they happen whether I want them to or not, like there's a few lines of thought in my head that I have no control over what they think about.

It can be very overwhelming at times...

It's not like multiple personalities - they're all me, and I am always me. I, my sense of self, my Id and Ego, are one, and in control. I choose what path to take. But there's an awful lot of input to sort through to make the decisions. When something makes you feel 3 completely different ways, all strongly, it's hard to decide what response to give.

My senses are wired like that as well. I see, hear, smell, taste, feel, and sense, so much around me, it's extremely difficult to decide which things need paying attention to, and which things should be ignored. Which things are relevant, and which things aren't. And balancing how focused I am on details in general. I tend to need to be deliberate in my actions - if I don't, things get too scattered and incoherent, and start to fall apart.

Fun times. But it has its uses.

/ramble

Welcome to wrongplanet

vermontsavant - Thank you.

Since I don't belong anywhere, I tend to create my own space, and claim it for myself. I exist in the spaces between moments, in the intervals cleverly tucked betwixt the past and the now, the now and the next. Outside time and space, so as to avoid notice. Blinking into existence when needed, vanishing again when done. Wherever you go, there you are - but if nobody else knows you're there, it's like you're not. I have the presence of a ghost.

The thing I do most, while lurking around avoiding notice, is watch people. Many people change how they act when people are watching. But if nobody notices you, they tend to act more true to self. So I observe how people act. I've gotten fairly good at figuring people out.

The internet also helps with that. Kind of. The internet tends to give people the ability to be who they want to be, without consequence. And water flows downhill. That is, it's far easier to slide into worse behavior than it is to work towards better behavior. And with no consequence, there's no need to change. An otherwise good person can become a villain, simply because that's the mode of behavior that's been normalized. Often leading to a phenomenon of one-sided fairness. When one claims a right or privilege, but fails to see how it applies in both directions, not just theirs.

Not that it matters. What I think doesn't matter. My words only matter when they say something that other people want to hear. I've noticed that a lot, too.

I'm done rambling for now.