My 16yo daughter just diagnosed - How do I tell her?

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Welcome!

I am curious to find out what happened. How did she react?

If you haven't told her by now, I suggest that you print out a page from the internet describing the symptoms, omitting any headlines, and simply leave it on the table so that she can find it when she comes home from shool. This is a way to exploit her inate curiosity in the topic. It is important that you are nearby exatly when she has read it through, and are there to begin the conversation. You should first state that you did leave the paper out for her, then that a doctor has diagnosed her, and finally that there is nothing wrong with her. The last point can be elaborated by telling about this site and that she is not alone. At an age of 16, she will have figured all of this out (except for the diagnosis part) a long time ago. She only needs CLEAR confirmation of the facts.

Give it a day or two for her to accept the diagnosis. Expect that she will come and ask for details about the diagnosis so that she can determine for herself that the diagnosis is not wrong. The list of symptoms on the initiator paper will have done most of the heavy lifting. I would expect her to deny the asperger possibility stronger, if she has not read the symptoms. There is no need to remove anything else than the headline from say the wikipedia description. Also shorten it to one page or so.

When I first came across a list of symtoms, quite by accident, I identified myself and began to look for the name of the disorder. It was a great relief that what I had, had a name even if I could not confirm it. Your daughter is lucky in that she already has a diagnosis. If you got a statement from the doctor, have it ready as she might as for it.

On another forum I saw a link to the Gray Center you may find helpful.

Discovering Aspie Strengths

shirleyt,
If it is any consolation, I was just diagnosed on April 14, 2008 and I am 51 y.o. I have endured treatments since having to drop out of medical school because I did not fit in socially (those med students appeared to play a lot of games I couldn't understand). Finally now I am completing a Master's in Chemistry and I called for the diagnosis to be made in order to improve on schizoaffective disorder for employment purposes.
Your daughter will appreciate the insight she receives from knowing how things work in her head when people react funny to how she does things. Last Friday I met with a new counselor that knows AS. Just from her first questions I knew that she had a handle on my difficulties.
I theme sticks in my head; I behave to the next person the way the previous person influenced me. Now this person wonders: What is going on with him? I'm starting to be able to figure it out now when formerly I was totally clueless.

I don't know about your relationship with her, but I would just tell her. I think it is in her best interesting to know what is going on with her.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Thank you all for your kind comments and support...and your words of wisdom. She took it just fine, was relieved, and said she knew all along that she was different from other kids. We have opened a family dialogue that is growing appropriately on the topic and working to choose the right resources for her. She is curious and doing her own research as well, of course.

Thanks again!

You're welcome. Feel free to use the Parents' board if you have your own questions.

I'm not sure what happened there. Did you switch identities?

Anyway, I'm very glad things went well. I was figuring they would. Anybody who's an aspie already knows all the downside of asperger's anyway, since they've been forced to experience it.

Make sure she applies her aspie logic and skepticism in her research. A lot of stuff out there put out by the "experts" isn't all that good, and what applies to one aspie doesn't always apply to another.

My personal favorite was one paper I read by an "expert" that said that aspies were highly skilled at memorizing information, but unable to comprehend the significance of that information. Later in the same paragraph, this "expert" mentioned that Einstein was probably an aspie.

Just tell your daughter. Be direct and factual about it. Let her know she is different to an NT but she is different in a very special way that you are proud of. Autism is not a sickness it is just a different state of mind that needs respect. I am not saying you need to understand it but have respect for it. Autistics are very very special people and she needs to know you accept her. You have to let her know it is OK to be who she is. It is OK for us to be NT so it is OK for her to be autistic.

Your help his needed when she is confused by the things NT's do. If she doesn't understand something explain in the best way you know how but remember to be factual and literal. Don't use adjectives or imaginary terms. Autistics don't think like that.
They need streight facts but most of all they need to be accepted.

They have much to teach us. Learn from them. See them. Recognise their value. Let them be who they are. You wouldn't lke some to change the person you are. Don't try to make them be who you are. They are too special for that.

I am an NT Mom of a non verbal autistic boy