Asperger Honeymoon

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[quote="CelticRose"]We don't like to admit it because of the social stigma and prejudice associated with it. The nomenclature doesn't help. As soon as people hear disorder they think there's something wrong with you that needs to be fixed. As soon as they hear autism, they think you're mentally handicapped.[quote]

Words of wisdom.

There will always be ignorance.

The best we can do is educate them and show that we're not dimwits or mentally handicapped.

But it is an endless battle with only a few willing to listen.

Hey CelticRose,
I hope that you find an understanding husband as well!

And ASplanet, thanks for sharing those articles. I read all three and found them helpful, but also scary. Like, some couples are aware of the AS and it still leads to divorce, not that there isn't divorce in NT relationships. I'm just afraid that he will find something else more important to him than me, and I want and need him physically in my life.

aintnowreck, thanks for sharing about your relationship with your wife, I find it comforting that you still lover her, and *tell* her that you love her. My husband is very good about that now, he knows how important it is for me to hear it because I tell him so, and when I need to hear it I simply say "could you tell me you love me" and he will. He's very sweet. Though it would be nice if I didn't have to ask for it!
LOL

And donkort, you have hit the nail on the head in terms of hoping that he doesn't turn cold. There is an element of coldness there, and has been from the start. But he can be quite warm when he wants to be. I just want him to continue wanting to be warm. Does that make sense? I understand and love him the way he is but I have certain needs as well and sometimes I feel that everything is one sided with me doing all of the giving and all of the adjusting. It's just not easy at times.

But, I love him so much, I never ever ever plan to leave him.

It's true that you shouldn't have to do all the giving. Even if one has Asperger's, that's no excuse not to give of yourself. It is the obligation for the Aspie to "learn" how to show caring, even if he is naturally not "wired" for this neurologically. Most people, whatever their neurological status, are capable of learning what doesn't come naturally originally, then allowing "what doesn't come naturally" to actually come naturally, making use of what they learned. Even "neurologically typical" people, for example, have to learn the finer points of showing empathy, without making the one in need of empathy feel that she is somehow "im- posing" upon him. Frequently, in my experience, "givers" are condescending, no matter their neurological status. The true test of a relationship comes when there is some kind of adversity: will he be there to provide support in a nonjudgemental way? There are many times when I seem to my mate to be an absolute "cold fish." However, when the "chips are down," she knows that I will be by her side, and provide the proverbial "shoulder to cry on." There have been multiple times when we have been on the verge of breaking up. One time, she was leaving me for good--when she got into a car accident! Somehow, I found out about it and ran immediately to the hospital where the ambulance had taken her. Nothing had to be said. She just knew instinctively that I would be there!

It is possible that your mate has to be "taught" how to show caring, and that can be irritating at times to one who is used to relating to people within whom the "showing" of caring comes naturally. However, especially if he's amenable and willing to learn through explicit examples provided by you, it is not out of the realm of possibility that he will "learn" how to express his love to you in a way which comes out naturally, not forced.

Forgive me for seeming scientific, Skinnerian, Behavioralist--but it's similar to the concept of "muscle memory," in that, within this particular context, when one experiences the feelings of showing caring, followed by the experience of your delight in his showing his caring, followed by many forms of positive reinforcement on both sides, this expression of love and caring becomes a part of his permanent repertoire--becomes an instinct, even. Things learned frequently take the form instincts, despite the noninstinctual origin of the thing. What may not "come naturally" "comes naturally" in the end.

It is possible that I'm harping on certain things, even "perseverating," as Aspergians are wont to do. If I am doing this, I thank you for your indulgence in reading this rather long message.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, and all the very best to you and your family. You'll find great support here. Take care.

Hello.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Hi again donkort,
I want to agree that some things can be learned, but I worry about the empathy thing more than anything. We just had a huge fight this weekend because my husband insisted that I turned off the TV because the flickering lights bothered him in a sensory way (even though it was broad daylight and he was facing away from the TV AND I had already compromised by wearing headphones because the sound of the TV also bothers him.

He could have continued working online in another room and the sensory issue would not have been a problem. I was confined to room with the only TV in the house and I was already compromising for him by wearing the headphones. He was unwilling to move to another room, simply wanted me to turn off the TV even though I was right in the middle of a show.

I know this sounds trivial, but it ended up becoming a huge fight because I just couldn't get him to understand where I was coming from. Why I am always the one who has to compromise when he almost never will. He only does what he wants. He only does what I want, if it's also something he wants. Trying to get him to do something he doesn't want to do is like pulling teeth, and yet he routinely expects me to do things for him that I'd rather not.

Does this make sense?

Is this an AS thing or is he just being selfish?

I mean, he just couldn't understand why I wouldn't just do what he asked and within a minute of trying to discuss the situation he said he needed space and drove away. That is an issue for me too. If he doesn't get his way immediately, he stops the conversation and leaves the house.

I just want to prevent future misunderstandings but I'm not sure if he can "learn" how to consider someone else's needs beyond his own.


In an unrelated area, I read the book "Aspergers: A Love Story" and really enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed the list the man's girlfriend made of all the Aspie traits she loved in her partner. I read the list to my husband (as I could have written the list myself, it so perfectly matches my feelings for him) but he's still unwilling to admit that he has AS tendencies.

Hi Honey,

This is an open-and-shut case, it seems to me. It appears like he is being selfish, and not making adjustments, while you're making adjustments. He, as an adult with no cognitive issues, should be able to discuss things in a reasonable manner. People with ASD's should be held to the same standards as "neurotypical" people, especially if their cognition is intact. I've seen instances in which people with "sensory" issues take advantage of these "issues" to get their own way. It is possible he might be using his "issues" as a crutch.

Sometimes, people must compromise, and do and feel things that might be unpleasant. Ironically, there are times when the unpleasant could turn into the pleasant when flexibilty is practice. I've experienced that transformation.

This is your home, and you should be able to watch TV any time you desire, except perhaps at 3 in the morning while someone is sleeping. It doesn't make sense to me that he has issues with the TV lights in the middle of the day, while he faces away from the TV. I have slight "sensory" issues myself, but I must adjust sometimes. My "significant other" likes a relatively high volume when watching TV; I like a low volume. She allows me to lower the TV slightly using the remote control--but not quite to the point where it's ideal for me. We, in other words, compromise. She has control because she works two jobs--and only has a few hours a week to watch TV; whereas I work 5 days a week, 40 hours a week, so I have more time to watch what I want to watch at my ideal volume.

Yep...he could have continued working online in a different room, especially if you don't mind him not being immediately in your presence (it is very important for people to have space, and be confident, even though you are not physically "together," that you are "together" nonetheless, even when you are physically "apart"). I, for one, do not like to be with anybody more than a few hours at a time.

Yep....if you could afford it, you should get another TV!

My main problems with my "significant other" are based on different interests: she likes to watch the shoppig channels, sitcoms, and pop-culture oriented shows. I like to watch sports, documentaries, and shows like COPS ("reality" shows, but not "reality shows" in the "Big Brother" sense). The solution lies in having two TV's in the house, and in her not insisting upon my presence while she is watching her "woman-oriented" shows.

Also: I like the air-conditioner, and she doesn't. She's worried about the electric bills, I'm not (I pay). I just feel air-conditioning is a luxury I deserve, especially when it comes to being able to sleep at night (I can't sleep in hot rooms!). I am envious of other people who constantly have the air-conditioner on during a hot night; I have to argue for it! It's a bummer, really, sometimes. But she does make adjustments at times--by covering herself up with a blanket--though she still hates the air-conditioning (especially its noise).

All in all, based upon what you stated, it seems to me as if he's being unreasonable. He has to adjust, ASD or no ASD. He has to be a full partner in discussions-- without yelling, storming off, etc. He can't use his ASD as an excuse to act childish. Nobody's perfect; I don't storm off, but I yell sometimes when I should be discussing--but the fact is, discussion at a reasonable tone of voice is the ideal, and is the adult way of doing things.

Yours truly,

Don

I wish all of those who have As peace. My husband balances me out as I am the total opposite...however, there is a selfishness and meanness that I do not understand. Is being abusive and cruel part of As? What about porn addiction?