You and I are in similar situations except I am the NT partner and my husband has AS. We've been married for 10 years, have four children ( two from my first marriage and two of our own, one of whom has high and complex needs ( a whole raft of diagnoses ) and our youngest is looking like he has some aspie type characteristics as well.
I have only a small amount of advice for you .. if you love her .. and she loves you .. you WILL get through this
It takes a large amount of effort on both sides for a relationship like this to work, and the effort is on going. Let her be angry and upset that things are not the way she thought they would be. Allow yourself to be sad that things are not the way you wanted them to be either.
She needs to recognise and accept that her life will be different .. but also that she has a partner that loves her and is trying hard to make it work. There has to be a meeting half way, she will have to compensate and so will you. All relationships are about compromise in one way or another.. for this type of relationship it's just a little tougher to do. Because communication styles are different.
You do have empathy ..so do not say that you don't.. your entire post reeks of it, your concern about your partner.
One thing that I found worked for us through our tough times, was to email and write to each other.. things are less heated that way and feelings more clearly explained. Both of you may like to read "The other half of Asperger Syndrome" by Maxine C Ashton, also " Aspergers in Love". These are books that many people with AS do not like, because they feel that it paints AS in a very negative light. However.... there are some valuable nuggets of information in there that may strike a chord with you both. The books can emphasise the problems in a relationship, but after all .. that is when people turn to books like that.
She cannot blame you .. it is how you are and who you are
You cannot blame her, she did not realise the reality of living with someone who is fundamentally different.
You CAN support one another and get to really know one another and learn the best way to live together as a couple that share a deep love and that will eventually reach a place of understanding and acceptance of one another. Definitely a relationship worth having in my opinion.
More than happy to share or offer any more information .. It's a hard road you are travelling and I suspect you have further to go, but one that is worth reaching the end of
