Would like to hear from Asperger adults 40+ Special Insights

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I haven't had serious digestive problems, but have had a tendency to experience 'mysterious' digestive problems at different periods of my life. Looking back, these accompanied times of severe stress. Sleep problems, yes! If I don't get a solid 8 hours I just feel horrible - anxiety, stomach upset - not myself. I have had to begin taking medication. I don't like it, but not sleeping well is a disaster. Looking back (I'm 63) I can see that lack of sleep probably contributed to many episodes of severe anxiety when I was young and pushed myself too hard, especially when I was working full time and overloaded on social stress. I loved the work, but the social environment (competitive, constant interpersonal conflict, frantic deadlines) was really bad for me. I wish I had known then that this was a serious problem and had exited to a quiet, low stress environment sooner.

I'm happy to have found this website and read all your replies. Just in this last week, I've come to connect with the possiblity that my father had Asperger's. I'm 64 now, and have spent my life trying find answers. I'm gratified that the kids nowadays have a "label" to attach to their experiences, and that teachers and others can work with them. Having been raised in the ''50s and 60's it's sad about all those years I searched for clues to what was going on with me and with other people. I wonder, has anyone grown up with autistic or aspie parents? Did you feel you acquired your behavior, way of thinking, mannerisms, personality, and whatever other stuff, through nature (genetics) or nurture (environment), or a combo?

I'm really gratified that "old Aspies" are posting. I suspected that my father was Asperger when I first read the symptoms. He was an engineer and socially backward to say the least. He could be quite oblivious to other people's pain (including mine) and shut out people he disagreed with. It got him into trouble at work, but just about all the people he worked with were engineers, so they protected him. He never advanced in his career even though offered better jobs. He was super intelligent; had an eidetic memory and remembered everything he read, which was considerable. This made him a walking encyclopedia of the sciences. He had no interest in "people stuff."

Later I realized that I had Aspie characteristics - when I tried talking to my mother she would say stuff like, go ask your father; you're just like your father (for her a very negative statement.) In other words, go away; your questions / obsessions annoy me. It was difficult because my parents were totally mismatched, and I became my father's buddy, confidant and protector in some ways. He influenced me HUGELY. I don't think that as a female (back in the Dark Ages) I would have pursued science without his input and encouragement; also, he never assumed that my brain had a gender and stressed that I was equal in intelligence to any male. On the other hand, he severely disapproved of my artistic side, which I also pursued. It took YEARS to convince him that art is a bona fide activity, after I was able to explain it as an intellectual activity that involves analysis, problem-solving, etc.

From my point of view no one can make another person Aspie. I think I was fortunate to have a parent who modeled both the pitfalls and advantages of being different. I am not a copy of him - my interests are much broader and I find human behavior interesting to study, although I am not social. I began to understand all this better when I found newer research that indicates Aspergers manifests in females differently than in males.

That's very interesting gonewild. My father was a mechanical engineer, but an artist first. Pretty much, simliar- being oblivous to others pain and feelings, walking encyclopedia, backed off from his career. Yet couldn't express much of his feelings. Whether it's genetics-may be, I don't have a clue. I do know I didn't get much of the nurturance and role model that I needed for interacting successfully with other people from either parent. It's great to be able to have an Aspie "structure" and read about it here! I've been dealing with, it seems forever, the unspoken, surface sets of rules of behavior that the average person follows. Usually people judge on verbal responses that are sufficiently laced with emotion. Blurting out, like I do sometimes, either with opinion or thoughts, seems to not always work and I'm working on introductory statements before I say something cognitive, because people like their communications cushioned. So I say something off, hurt someone's feelings or they hurt mine. Neither I or any person, wants to get hurt from what someone says. For no matter who or whatever you are, for example, a person who is bullied at school, the hurts pile up, or snowball, making it diificult later to get out from under the memory of these experiences. it's harder to cope. So it's a necessity to withdraw for periods of time.Then, return, having destressed. I hope the future holds that all people feel understood and tolerated by others: beneficial, both for bringing relief from stress and comfort that you are okay the way you are.

Yes, there is an acknowledged tendency for engineers and technical types to be Aspergers - this raises an important question. Can a personality type be a disorder? Engineers design and operate civilization; without them we'd be living in mud huts. No roads, few vehicles, no buildings, electricity, communications. The Ancient Romans were fantastic engineers - were they Aspergers? I'm really questioning the validity of a disorder / diagnosis that COULD simply be a social majority insisting that all humans must be the same!

I have come to a strategy for myself: I just don't speak to most people. I have overcome the urge to interject "reality" or common sense into pointless social exchanges. I've accepted that the mass of humanity is more interested in gossip than how the world works. I use my literal thinking in cases where it's needed, like when someone is utterly confused by a situation and can't see the forest for the social trees. I've found that many people are actually open to an alternate point of view. I'm getting a lot better at discerning which people are sincere, and which are narcissistic and only want attention.

I truly think that people would be much happier if they understood that the past doesn't exist - it's only chemically coded memory and those memories change continually, and we have the ability to change how we see events. The present is all there is and it slips away continually. Time can be an tool instead of a prison.

I like your explanation of the NT and Aspie communication insights. From my experience, I couldn't put all those insights in word. But all your explanation helps me a lot to understand how things work better. For me, I always skipped the cushion part of the conversation and enter at the main point. From feedback of mentors, that's bad. I guess I'm too impatient. So I learnt that I have to put some head start and good ending to smooth people's feeling.

I think most of our pain in conversation is because we pour out our heart then get rejected by peers. So the bad experience because of failures and rejection just pile up. It really will be much better if we do a small dose and see the response of others from the facial expression. Then decide whether to add more or stop there. Because both sides has be comfortable in the conversation so as to respect others feeling such that we get better good experience in enjoying conversation with people. Aspies always struggle with not able to detect a negative facial expression. The following is in youtube illustrates very well how the conversation can be better, is from an Aspies:
My Life with Asperger’s: Daniel Wendler at TEDxUniversityOfArizona


In "The unwritten Rules of Social Relationships",

Being able to gauge when I'm turning someone off means being able to read their facial cues and body language to some extent. This was a skill I had to develop in myself; it wasn't automatic for me, nor is it for most people with ASD. It's an important source of information and situational clues, and is a teachable skill. Lots of good books and materials are on the market today that address this issue in a concrete and fun way.

I can't speak for post-diagnosis support for adult diagnosees, as where I live there isn't any (NHS postcode lottery). What I can say is that knowing that I wasn't as unique as I thought I was made me feel less alone and that knowing what I was has helped me to beware of the problems that I may face or cause and avoid them in advance (well, sometimes )

I have learnt more about life and people in the last five years than in the previous 43 before them. And I now know that there are a lot of us out there who are hidden because they "got away with it"; they were successful enough in work or just got lucky. And I really love this quote from the NAS blog: “Being high functioning can feel like climbing high above the imprisoning walls of autism, only to see what you can’t quite have.” My life in a nutshell.

Welcome to WP. I am nearly 49, and I was diagnosed a couple of years ago. I can't say I was exactly relieved at the time, but it did explain many things about me. For the first time ever I no longer had to try and pass as "normal". I didn't have to be like everyone else. It never worked because most NTs rarely make sense to me. I always had problems socializing and making friends with other people. I feel now like myself and not a caricature.
I severed ties with false friends. I quit pretending I had a close relationship with a deity that never answered a single prayer of mine. I stopped attending a church that didn't care if I was there or not. They only cared how much of my paycheck they would get. I am so much more honest. Oddly, I am much more tolerant of others. Perhaps because I received so little toleration from others.
As a child my family really didn't try to change me. I was free to pursue my special interests. I could have only one friend at a time. In high school my family didn't think it odd that I didn't date or attend parties. I was allowed to have my eccentricities. I fully expected that to continue as an adult. It didn't happen. Suddenly, I was expected to conform and be like everyone else. Churches were the worst. They don't really allow for individuality. Only in the Army could I actually be a Aspie.
I used my tendency to obsess to succeed in life. Choices in life that seem so difficult to others usually are easy for me. I am generally a fearless person. I'm not afraid of snakes, spiders, bugs, death, heights, etc. Even the threat of spending eternity in hell never did much for me. I suppose I never believed it in the first place.
It's a much better life now.

It's good to hear another Declaration of Independence. I'm intrigued by your positive experience in the military - did they actually reward your special Asp. abilities or did you find anonymity and a protected slot within the military structure? I suspect that the military is better than the private sector at identifying individuals who will excel in specific areas, or is it?

Excellent questions. I will do my best to answer them.
I enlisted in the Army in 1984. I graduated high school in 1983 and went directly to Purdue University after that. I became tired of school and wanted to do something different. I intended to return to the university after my enlistment, which I did. The military has clear directions and specific goals. Whatever task I was given, I tackled the best I could. I did things I never considered doing. I qualified on the M16 but didn't score highly. I sucked at the grenade range. Whatever the task, I could focus on it intensely and make it my special interest.
As far as anonymity, I never considered that aspect. I don't think so. You are always part of a unit, a group of people you spend more time with than your family. They were fairly accepting of me. They frequently told me that they had never met anyone like me before. I often left the barracks and went places by myself. I had to decompress and recharge. Being alone for a while was the only way I could. The soldiers in my platoon usually were disturbed at my tendencies for brusqueness and speaking my mind. I also had the social skills of a 12 year old. The Army was a great experience. I could still be me, and I was never bullied. I was never intimidated by authority figures because I regard everyone as being the same.
I have some of the same problems that many Aspies have. I don't make eye contact. I have trouble with bright lights, don't like being touched, can't stand certain fabrics, hate crowds and am very literal. I have no understanding of sarcasm or irony. Religion is a complete mystery to me. In spite of all these things, I always had an intense drive to succeed. It overrode all my sensory issues. I really don't know why. It's just the way I am.
I was a child during the late 60s and the 70's. No one knew what Aspergers was. I was just a quirky, lonely, bullied kid. I think what saved me was that my family loved me as I was, especially my grandfather. He died in 2004, and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. They didn't try to change me. Only churches tried to change me and make me conform. I deeply resent them for that and wish I had never had anything to do with religion.
The military expects everyone to excel. I believe the strength of the Army is that everyone is a leader and everyone answers to a higher authority. Even the officers of the Joint Chiefs of Staff answer to the Secretary of Defense and the President.
I was rewarded with promotions and medals. I didn't really care about those things. Promotions meant more money. However, it's nice to be appreciated once in a while.
I was a ROTC cadet at Purdue. During the MS III and MS IV years, cadets are required to attend "summer camp" at Ft. Lewis, Washington. During this time we completed tests that qualified us to be commissioned officers. Because my major was nursing, I only spent two weeks at Ft. Lewis and the rest of the time at Gen. Leonard Wood Army Hospital at Ft Leonard Wood. That meant I received two scores for camp instead of just one. The highest score a cadet could get was a "5". Those were very rare. The next rarest score was a "4". Nearly everyone else got a "3". I earned two 4s plus a special award for a very high PT test score, a perfect score on the land navigation course, completing a very rigorous obstacle course, and qualifying as sharpshooter on the M16 rifle. I missed expert by one target. When I returned to Purdue, our instructors were simply shocked at how well I performed. Oh, yes, I used my best Aspie abilities. I would never want to be an NT because I would be so bored.
I'm sorry to have gone on and on. I hope this answers your questions.

Danimal - your story is refreshing. I too grew up before Aspergers "awareness." I'm wondering whether we had more drive to succeed because we weren't diagnosed as children? I have found that some younger Aspies are very negative; they seem locked into the "I'm Aspie" identity and lack the curiosity to discover what it is they can accomplish. Of course, as an older person I see this lack of drive in most young people today.

That's interesting about your grandfather: I lived with my grandparents for several months when I was 4 years old. They were utterly accepting - it was very distressing when I was torn away from them and returned to my family and began school. I was that smart little girl whom everyone hated. My mother was hostile and blamed me for intentionally(!) ruining her life. It was a battle.

I was constantly told to hide my intelligence and "act like a girl." My answer was: I am a girl, therefore I am acting like a girl. - Reaction from adults? You're arrogant, a smart-aleck, defiant, just do as you're told... Several teachers managed to provide encouragement along the way, and my father, who was certainly Aspie, but considered just an "odd guy" back then, was very supportive academically. He wasn't any help on the social side, however.

Yes, religion. It made no sense to me. I hated going to church - it destroyed my vision of adults being intelligent! If they really believed all this magical stuff, how could I trust anything they said? If they didn't, why did they pretend it was real and lie to children? Christianity presented such an awful picture of humans - who would put up with being told they were "bad" from the day they were born? How could people hate themselves that way?

I agree - I would not like to be NT; they miss out on so much. I'm impressed by your success in the military and it points out that Aspergers individuals are more adaptable than people give them credit for - in fact I think we have a lot of mental skills that NTs just can't "see" or don't value, but which enrich our lives.

Did you remain in nursing? Are you in the military now?

Wow, it's wonderful to read these posts. I am 56 years old and only diagnosed a couple of months ago. I do have crippling Social Anxiety Disorder and am a recovering Anorexic. My diagnosis allowed all the pieces to fall into place and I could finally stop agonizing over why I am the way I am. I was physically and emotionally traumatized at home and at school, but I knew I was different before I started kindergarten so I can't blame my disorders on that. I think the abuse made my existing Asperger's symptoms worse, but it was not the cause. My diagnosis has helped me to understand myself better, but I still have as much anxiety and eating disordered tendencies as before my diagnosis. I am very thankful to be part of a group of wonderful people such as yourselves. I look forward to getting to know you better.

Welcome MoCoffee: I'm really happy that so many "old Aspies" are checking in. We do have a lot in common! Most of us had to muddle along, mystified by a world that simply made no sense. What affected me most growing up was how angry the people around me became when I did things that seemed perfectly normal. I still can't understand why everyone must think and act the same, but there it is!

Anxiety! What a debilitating emotion. I have been paralyzed by it for long periods of my life. I wish I had a dollar for every time someone said, Get over it; there's nothing to be afraid of; just go to the party, you'll have fun; everyone likes being social, what's wrong with you? You're selfish; you just don't like people... smile!

At this age it's wonderful to do what makes sense for who I am. I love my dogs; they are perfect companions.

I'm new here, and depending on how you look at things, I was either sort of diagnosed when I was six, or recently which was more than 40 years after that.

For those of you familiar with Stargate SG1, I'm going to do my best to give you the Jack O'Neill answer instead of full on Sam Carter... Sadly my default has always been full on Sam Carter, which no big shock is part of why one of my nicknames is Carter.

So, here goes.

At the end of second grade (around may of 1970) they (my folks and the powers that be) decided I was ret*d and completely incapable of reading or writing. The plan was to put me into the remedial education track starting in third grade unless things magically improved over the summer. The violence that had started when I was five because of another condition which I've been officially diagnosed this past year escalated because the word "ret*d" was being tossed around.

My father threw a book at me and said if you can't maser these, your life is over an you might as well die now.

My mother held me close, and finally, finally took time to answer my questions and listen to me. I undertook the project of learning how to read like a force of nature, and then, having mastered the alphabet, pattern recognition, and language, took to books like women dying of thirst in the dessert takes to a fresh water lake.

By the time September of that year rolled around, I'd digested the dictionary, Encyclopedia Britanica, the US Army corp of engineers bibles on AC and DC electronics and theory, and flight training manuals for a pilots license. My violent father was a NASA engineer...

So they tested me again. That didn't go well. Because in basically five months I went from being "ret*d" to having a "senior college level" reading, comprehension and vocabulary and the ability to read fast that Evlyn Woods. Oh what a mess that then was.

I of course was equally oblivious to the fuss at being able to do something that not being able to do it had caused. Wrong Planet indeed Dr. McCoy.

So I adapted best I could, fought the ongoing battle to fit and understand, was constantly bullied and abused by my father especially as I attempted to relate to him in light of having gone from ret*d to genius in five months, and my nearly obsessive literalness. Prevarication wasn't - really isn't to this day - one of my skills.

I don't need to tell the rest of you about my journey of learning to relate to others and this strange world I lived in where people said one thing and meant another and so on... The growing depression, stress and anxiety, well I was left to fend for myself mostly.

A life, career and marriage, as well as constantly being pushed to do more, faster, and not having answers to what I thought were simple questions combined with never being good enough, or "normal enough" lead eventually to a full on nervous breakdown or two, the divorce from hell, stalking, violence, and even a death or two. 2008 I moved here, a shutin, terrified of the world, suffering from PTSD, depression that was threatening to destroy me, suicidal ideation, fear of everything and everyone and so much more. Recovery has been interesting to say the least, and after swearing time and again NEVER to fall in love again, the amazing happened and I have.

My girlfriend is amazing, brilliant, smart, funny and beautiful inside and out. She's also incredibly patient with me, and even finds me adorable. Including when I have an attack of the shiny as I sometimes call it, or an "ohhh, puppies" moment. She's the one who first suggested I might be an Aspie. Especially after seeing me with her daughter. She and I have a great deal in common, get along like we're from the same planet, and suffer from attacks of the shiny. Having long suspected her daughter is an aspie, she suggested i might be one as well. She was the first, but not the last and things have snowballed into me finding myself here.

So while not officially diagnosed at this point, I believe that's a mere technical formality. Especially given the online tests I've explored and the results I've received. So now while working on finding out what this all means, I'm also grieving now for the life I might have had, but not that much, because while far from perfect, the life I have now is not one I'd easily part with. I don't know what if any impact knowing will have on my life moving forward, or if I'll be able to find resources that I can afford to get an official diagnosis.

I think the biggest reason I'm here is to understand myself more, heal, grow and be more aware. From what I've read so far here, I can relate well to what many of you have described having walked my own journey. So it's nice to feel less like a freak for a change, and for me to have the gift of reflecting on my journey with the clarity of greater understanding. So much of the weirdness in my life can be, and is more readily understood in the context of Aspergers. I've as gonewild said, long since learned to live the way that makes sense for who I am. And I also agree that dogs are always wonderful and perfect companions.

Unless of course they are someone else's dogs in a truck, 100 miles from home, and you say "ohhh, puppies" and wander over to the truck to talk to the dogs while everyone else in you party is waiting for you. True story that.