Hey, does anybody read these?

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Hello DH Ridder, I apologize for the late response, I would have uploaded my response much earlier but there has been much set back in my life recently. However, firstly thank you for being so transparent with your struggles. That is a genuine strength there you have my friend. And while it may not seem like it, having lived with your disability undiagnosed for so long with little help but still persevering just shows how strong you are.
I can understand what you might be feeling, it must feel strange or even surreal to realize your diagnose. It seems you might even be fighting the mere idea of your diagnoses. You are standing on a paradigm, as your intention of knowing yourself more as a way to change and grow, might be contradictory to your desire of with the people around you.
Statically speaking, most people are able to register someone is is neurodivergent within seconds of meeting them. They may not fully comprehended, but that register is what you also might be feeling when you say you dont have deep connections as most people might feel a dissonance on exactly what was it they could not understand about you.
Not every person with autism fits the "stereotype", many autistic people are in different areas of expertise and even are just like you. Outgoing, extroverted, etc.
I recommend a book by Devon Price called, "Unmasking Autsim". I feel its a decent book that may help a little in your journey. Also, research more about autism, like fawning, autism burnout, dissociation, executive dysfunction, triggers, etc.

It’s been around eight months since I first became aware of autism, and a few since my doctor diagnosed me.

I am still struggling to come to terms with it, in part because I had already been struggling with several battles including misdiagnosed and untreated co-morbid mental health issues, and poverty, housing insecurity and social isolation that arose from that, plus other issues as well…

In short I was already trying to recover from a serious wave of burnout and depression when autism came along, swept me off my feet and complicated matters even further.

In high school I learned I could be very funny, a revelation that was much like being able to call in the bomb squad whenever social situations got too hairy or intense. But lately my sense of humor has left me and this scares me.

When I signed up here I was hoping to become part of the community, but I just haven’t had the energy for it.

Until a few years ago I had a small business that was extremely promising, with customers around the world buying the products that I designed and manufactured. It only failed because I was operating on a shoestring budget and I was forced to wear too many hats, a primary reason that I ended up burnt out.

I am currently working on a multi-disciplinary art project – a fancy way of saying a music album with an accompanying illustrated book – which will hopefully generate a bit of income. I’m not sure if I am going to self-publish or try to find a record label/book publisher.

It all seems so unreal, a long shot almost too improbable to succeed. But one of the few things that keeps me going is revisiting the past just before I made the fateful decision to see the first psychiatrist to misdiagnose me.

I had so much potential up to then. I was a university student taking fine arts and writing classes among others. My writing prof insisted I consider turning pro, and she even offered to help me publish my essay assignments, but my negative reaction was so unexpected and frankly, bizarre, that I went to the student clinic. The subsequent misdiagnosis and meds they prescribed were devastating. Within a year I was permanently kicked out of university. Within five I was on disability.

Anyway I’m rambling. Just blowing off some steam I guess. In case anyone reads this, thank you. If some of my energy and humor returns I will try to integrate myself into the community better.