The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

Post Reply New Topic

Yesterday, I purchased the Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood as I have seen it suggested a lot since I found this site. I am up to the chapter on Bullying and have started to reassess a particular reoccurring interaction I had in high school.

I have always been more inclined to spend my time with guys. During physics class I would always sit next to a friend in the lab who I'll call Lee. On may days for at least a few months Lee would randomly (to me) start the game of "mercy" without my consent. I would protest and continually ask and tell him to stop and that it hurt. The main problem I think was that without realizing it I would start to laugh even while still protesting. So we have the combination of the fact that i am stubborn and I want him to stop because I asked and not because I said mercy plus him misunderstanding my reactions. I wouldn't realize I was laughing until he would mention it as a reason not to stop.

So the things that would always plague me about it were these:

1) Why couldn't he just follow me request?
2) Why would I start laughing and be unable to stop even though I was defiantly not enjoying the situation.
3) Why did no one in the class ever intercede?

I think I might have a better understanding now. Could I have possibly picked up on the laughing from other guy-to-guy interactions involving play fighting and when I was pressed for an appropriate response to the sudden onset of the game that was my automatic compensation? I probably only confused him and he truly thought I was enjoying myself, right? If that was the case then possibly the rest of the class thought I was enjoying it as well.

The reason I still think about this is because years later this person still wants to be my friend. He claims he considers me like a sister, though I am not always sure he is looking to be just friends. (Defiantly not interested) This poses a problem for me because though he has mellowed out quite a bit I still have trouble forgetting that I felt abused by him in high school. Sure sometimes I would have fought back at the time but even though i was stronger than most girls from being a tomboy, he was a double blackbelt. It was like hitting a brick wall.

I digress. Does this sound like an accurate interpretation of why things always played out so terribly? I've noticed that I've almost always laughed when its come to a situation where I truly wanted someone to stop. For example: My ex would tickle me relentlessly and I -hated- it but I would laugh while pleading for him to stop. I just don't get it I guess.

I know exactly what you mean! I used to do exactly the same thing. In my case, I was raised around boys. I have 2 brothers, 14 cousins and only one is a girl. I have always been more comfortable around men (if I know them). When I was young I realized that the boys would never admit if they were hurt or not enjoying some weird game they invented. The times I did cry I was teased mercilessly. I found I would laugh so as not to cause any conflict.
When I married my husband I finally realized that I didn't have to smile and be nice or laugh when something was making me uncomfortable. I started standing up for myself. I tell someone in no uncertain terms when I don't like what they are doing to me.

I should also point out that my sons with AS, myself and others on here tend to laugh when we are supposed to cry or be angry.

You're off to a great start by reading Tony Attwood's book. I have read it and go back to it all the time.

It's good to know that I'm not the only one who does that. Whew!

I guess I just have to figure out a way that if it happens in the future I can let someone know. My ex would get mad at me (okay, well he was just angry person) because I would not be able to control laughing in reaction. So it was like I deserved to put up with the torture if I couldn't respond properly when I wanted him to stop tickling or rough housing.

I think I actually laughed when I fell and broke my arm at eight years old. Hmm.

My son broke his arm when he was 13 and when I got to the school to pick him up he smiled and laughed when he told me what happened. I was shocked. When they showed me the x-ray, I wanted to cry. The bone was broken right through and the ends were over-lapping.

Eeek, mine wasn't quite that bad. I broke the small bone and cracked the big one just a couple of inches below the elbow. It still wasn't fun though.

Hi, Rathermousie.

I could tell some psychiatrist stories but I haven't the time. It's so good to read your posts, though I've only read 2 pages. I feel I have returned to family.

Good on you Laurie for having a go at studying. I did all my teaching upgrading by correspondence and believe me it was worth it. I was about your age when I started, and upgraded to 3 year trained, then went on to do a teachers degree. I went on to masters but chronic fatigue/depression stopped that.

Vietmam is a wonderful place. I will tell you more later.

Robyn

Hello DeaconBlues and nannarob.

Hi Nannorab, I'm glad your back, I finally jumped in, (thank you for your gentle encouragment) can't wait to hear about your trip, sleep off the jet-lag and come back soon.

I don't think I've ever done the laughing thing as a response to unwanted behavior. I do find it hard not to laugh when I am attempting to lie. And I must confess, I love being tickled even though I protest. I find it exhilarating. I like to tickle my husband also. But he swings his elbows and I always wind up getting hurt. Hmmmm

I worked in kitches for ages, mostly males
then I worked in the computer tech industry, again males

now I work in health insurance and it is mostly women.

I got along better with the men because they didn't form cliques that I wasn 't in, it was individuals and that I could live with. The female cliques I have no defenses against.

Holy smokes!! If that is you, Merle, you do look alot like Nan!! And that is the same hairstyle I have (except I decided to give myself bangs and now I look like a dork! )

Dorks Unite! I have bangs also, but I like mine. More hair to hide under is how I see it.

Hey, Merle, if that's you, you look almost exactly as I pictured you!

Welcome, rathermousie!

Welcome back, nannarob!

Hi everyone else I missed.

I saw on an Aspie test a question: do you have a small mouth?

I have no idea what that means for an Aspie, but I recognized it as something I have always had, even to the point of it being too small for dentists and such. I have to open so 'wide' that it hurts and aches even before they start DOING anything.

Does anyone ELSE have a small cupids bow style mouth?

Merle

Hartz wrote :
Hey, Merle, if that's you, you look almost exactly as I pictured you

wpw. really? how odd. . when I type into this Cafe fourm I am 6 foot before heels with long gloriously red hair and a ravishing figure.

Merle

LOL! I'd like to say I look like my avatar, but I'd have to go anorexic again before that could happen. Anyway, I feel that since I've seen your face, that I like you even more!