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01 Oct 2007, 11:45 am
01 Oct 2007, 12:09 pm
Thanks, Nan! 
I went and found a coil notebook and started a list. And I've been cleaning all morning! Things always look worst at around 2 AM for some reason. I can be clear-headed all day, I go to sleep and *POOF*, mood swing! 
01 Oct 2007, 12:55 pm
sinsboldly wrote:
...I think because you causally told him you "had been in the wrong job for 23 years and coming close to retirement you were looking forward to doing what you wanted after retirement." is why he concluded you were far more angry than you were in touch with.
Oh, no.
I'm definitely in touch with it. I just shrug it off. I was just telling him the truth. When I really do get mad, I go way past mad, into the land of thunderbolts and lightning rage - and you never want to see me there. But it takes a lot to get me there. I mean you gotta be tryin' pretty dadgum hard. Rape a woman in front of me. Or gang rape two. Or be four UT football players who decide to beat my gay brother half to death. Or push my buttons repeatedly, long after I've asked you politely and firmly to stop, for years and years, like my district manager did before I paid him a visit at his office: I let myself into his office. I shut the door behind me. I gave him a look that melted his face. Then I told him that if his harassment, unfair treatment, putting me in harms way, and rude unprofessional remarks (especially at meetings, or in front of others) did not stop, the day I retired I would hunt him down and break every single bone in his %#@*! body, and let him live to enjoy the remainder of his days in pain. In not very nice language. He leaves me alone now. I tried other ineffectual avenues first.Run of the mill petty mad stuff I just acknowledge when I finally recognize it and shrug it off - work it off in the gym, or on a run, or on a heavy bag. Anger ultimately hurts yourself mostly, right? So I deal with it and move on.
Merle wrote:
Gawd only knows if he would have committed if you if you had told him about your marriage!
Hahaha!
Point taken. 
I'll never go there in front of him. But I wouldn't dredge that up in front of him anyway. I was over that the day I was granted a divorce - happy like a fish placed back in water. I told you guys about my marriage here not because it still bothers me, but so you would have the opportunity to understand me a little better. See who I am. See what my life was like.
Not directed to you Merle, but just so everybody knows, since we've been discussing this - and I appreciate everyone's kind words and concern (thank you all!): I have been really, really mad only maybe 5 times in my life. I unleashed it on the deserving party(ies), and moved on. I have never killed anybody. I let them all live. I didn't have to.
Issues? Yeah, I probably have a few.
I think because of my small size when I was young, my tendency to zone out when I was thinking, of being unaware of what was going on around me, I attracted the attention of more than my fair share of predators. I've been molested many times. Never by family members. People from church, strangers in bathrooms, etc. I have been abused. I have been beaten up. I have had a gun held to my head on 4 separate occasions. But I still give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I let people hit me without hitting back. I let people yell without saying a thing. I don't trade insults. I try my best to be polite, understanding and forgiving. I put up with far more than I should just in case I may be misinterpreting something.
I don't think I've turned out to be a mean or bad guy. I understand that some of you may feel differently. I never have been able to cry. Just occasionally. I never have felt pain very well - they have always drilled my teeth without anesthesia. But I haven't walled my feelings off. They are hard for me to identify. Sometimes they are there for awhile tapping me on the shoulder before I am ever aware of them. I have been this way for as long as I remember - and I remember all the way back to the crib. I was born with this emotional disconnect.
The doc called me aggressive. Aggressive? I never go around bothering people at all. Ever. I try to avoid people and trouble at all costs. If you want to see aggressive in me, you have to take it to me, and dish it in heaping loads. Not that anyone would/could ever do that here. Here, it's just words. And if you did try? I'd just turn off the computer.
Anyhoo, I hope I don't scare any of you or make you nervous. And I hope my writing this did not upset anyone. You are all really great people.
01 Oct 2007, 1:03 pm
blessedmom wrote:
...Chuck, Good morning to you. Feeling a little cynical today? 
Hahaha!
Guess so. Sorry! 
Hang in there Lauri! Things have been pretty topsy-turvy for you, and I'm sorry that you are having to bear this burden. Don't forget to breathe. Nice and deep and slow. I'm sorry if my mood is contributing to everything else on your mind.
(Chuck switches to "happy mode" to the relief of all).
01 Oct 2007, 1:19 pm
No worries! Your mood is in no way adding to my troubles or worries. And we're all entitled to a bad, cynical mood now and then. I am in one helluva mood today so I'm listening to music, watching youtube videos and cleaning! I'll take care of anything that involves dealing with people outside of my house tomorrow when I'm happier.
01 Oct 2007, 1:27 pm
Happy music (Not doing much for me at the moment but I'll keep listening to it until it does!!)
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZolPXNNHMw[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6AjovHGK-TA&mode=related&search=[/youtube]
01 Oct 2007, 2:12 pm
blessedmom wrote:
Thanks, Nan! I went and found a coil notebook and started a list. And I've been cleaning all morning! Things always look worst at around 2 AM for some reason. I can be clear-headed all day, I go to sleep and *POOF*, mood swing!
I went and found a coil notebook and started a list. And I've been cleaning all morning! Things always look worst at around 2 AM for some reason. I can be clear-headed all day, I go to sleep and *POOF*, mood swing! Hey, don't take it as Gospel, but maybe it'd work. (The notebook thing.) Sometimes just mapping things out helps me know what's out there. As I've always claimed my motto to be "I can deal with anything, as long as I know what it is I'm dealing with", I tend to hyper-analyze and contingency plan constantly. That may not be your style. If it doesn't work, there'll be something else out there that will work. It's just a matter of keeping moving until you find it.
You will LOVE grad school when you get there, Lauri. Really.
Last edited by Nan on 01 Oct 2007, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
01 Oct 2007, 2:20 pm
Chuck wrote:
sinsboldly wrote:
...I think because you causally told him you "had been in the wrong job for 23 years and coming close to retirement you were looking forward to doing what you wanted after retirement." is why he concluded you were far more angry than you were in touch with.
Oh, no.
I'm definitely in touch with it. I just shrug it off. I was just telling him the truth. When I really do get mad, I go way past mad, into the land of thunderbolts and lightning rage - and you never want to see me there. But it takes a lot to get me there. I mean you gotta be tryin' pretty dadgum hard. Rape a woman in front of me. Or gang rape two. Or be four UT football players who decide to beat my gay brother half to death. Or push my buttons repeatedly, long after I've asked you politely and firmly to stop, for years and years, like my district manager did before I paid him a visit at his office: I let myself into his office. I shut the door behind me. I gave him a look that melted his face. Then I told him that if his harassment, unfair treatment, putting me in harms way, and rude unprofessional remarks (especially at meetings, or in front of others) did not stop, the day I retired I would hunt him down and break every single bone in his %#@*! body, and let him live to enjoy the remainder of his days in pain. In not very nice language. He leaves me alone now. I tried other ineffectual avenues first.Run of the mill petty mad stuff I just acknowledge when I finally recognize it and shrug it off - work it off in the gym, or on a run, or on a heavy bag. Anger ultimately hurts yourself mostly, right? So I deal with it and move on.
Merle wrote:
Gawd only knows if he would have committed if you if you had told him about your marriage!
Hahaha!
Point taken. I'll never go there in front of him. But I wouldn't dredge that up in front of him anyway. I was over that the day I was granted a divorce - happy like a fish placed back in water. I told you guys about my marriage here not because it still bothers me, but so you would have the opportunity to understand me a little better. See who I am. See what my life was like.Not directed to you Merle, but just so everybody knows, since we've been discussing this - and I appreciate everyone's kind words and concern (thank you all!): I have been really, really mad only maybe 5 times in my life. I unleashed it on the deserving party(ies), and moved on. I have never killed anybody. I let them all live. I didn't have to.
Issues? Yeah, I probably have a few.
I think because of my small size when I was young, my tendency to zone out when I was thinking, of being unaware of what was going on around me, I attracted the attention of more than my fair share of predators. I've been molested many times. Never by family members. People from church, strangers in bathrooms, etc. I have been abused. I have been beaten up. I have had a gun held to my head on 4 separate occasions. But I still give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I let people hit me without hitting back. I let people yell without saying a thing. I don't trade insults. I try my best to be polite, understanding and forgiving. I put up with far more than I should just in case I may be misinterpreting something.I don't think I've turned out to be a mean or bad guy. I understand that some of you may feel differently. I never have been able to cry. Just occasionally. I never have felt pain very well - they have always drilled my teeth without anesthesia. But I haven't walled my feelings off. They are hard for me to identify. Sometimes they are there for awhile tapping me on the shoulder before I am ever aware of them. I have been this way for as long as I remember - and I remember all the way back to the crib. I was born with this emotional disconnect.
The doc called me aggressive. Aggressive? I never go around bothering people at all. Ever. I try to avoid people and trouble at all costs. If you want to see aggressive in me, you have to take it to me, and dish it in heaping loads. Not that anyone would/could ever do that here. Here, it's just words. And if you did try? I'd just turn off the computer.
Anyhoo, I hope I don't scare any of you or make you nervous. And I hope my writing this did not upset anyone. You are all really great people.
[Given all that's in this post, I'd be rabidly pissed off at the entire world. If it was me. But then, it's not.]
They used to call women who asked for equal pay for equal work "overly aggressive." When not using the other language. That tends to happen when you challenge the status quo.
01 Oct 2007, 5:11 pm
Nan wrote:
blessedmom wrote:
Thanks, Nan! I went and found a coil notebook and started a list. And I've been cleaning all morning! Things always look worst at around 2 AM for some reason. I can be clear-headed all day, I go to sleep and *POOF*, mood swing!
I went and found a coil notebook and started a list. And I've been cleaning all morning! Things always look worst at around 2 AM for some reason. I can be clear-headed all day, I go to sleep and *POOF*, mood swing! Hey, don't take it as Gospel, but maybe it'd work. (The notebook thing.) Sometimes just mapping things out helps me know what's out there. As I've always claimed my motto to be "I can deal with anything, as long as I know what it is I'm dealing with", I tend to hyper-analyze and contingency plan constantly. That may not be your style. If it doesn't work, there'll be something else out there that will work. It's just a matter of keeping moving until you find it.
You will LOVE grad school when you get there, Lauri. Really.
That is what I used to do, to deal with my ADHD disorganizational issue and it worked well. I also have a white-board calendar that has a column for each person. We each have our own color so we can just glance and see what's what. I just got out of the habit when I started 2 jobs.
I know I will love grad school! I loved school. I just got side-tracked by life!
richie
Supporting Member
Joined: 9 Jan 2007
Age: 66
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,142
Location: Lake Whoop-Dee-Doo, Pennsylvania
01 Oct 2007, 7:40 pm
I am now on vacation..... got plenty of time to start cleaning up this pig-pen of an apartment I have.
Bought an iPhone this morning and I just finished setting up my account. I am still learning how to
deal with all of its bells and whistles..... I might buy a new computer this week and set it up with
Ubuntu.
sinsboldly
Veteran
Joined: 21 Nov 2006
Gender: Female
Posts: 13,488
Location: Bandon-by-the-Sea, Oregon
01 Oct 2007, 8:08 pm
Nan wrote:
blessedmom wrote:
Merle, I'm so happy that I'll be able to put a face to that lovely voice when I talk to you next time!
Chuck, Good morning to you. Feeling a little cynical today?
Nan, The sad reality is that they face a daily struggle to not lose it. And many of them are destroyed but have no choice but to carry on. It would just be nice if they received the recognition and services they deserve when they come home.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gravity of my situation hit me full in the face at 2 AM. I woke up with what I know to be the beginnings of a panic attack. I had the most horrid sense of doom and despair! It is the loneliest feeling that I have ever experienced, but I have learned to talk myself out of it before the panic starts. Last night was a little harder. My mind was running with thoughts of how I am going to do this, is it going to be worth it, should I change my mind, do I need to find a different job, how do I find out if my rent here can be subsidized and if not, where will we live, what will I do with the dogs, and can I keep them if I am working or going to school full time, how am I going to go to school and raise 4 kids, how are the 4 kids going to handle this, what am I doing wrong to keep ending up single, what do I do if my Crohn's comes out of remission.... and the list went on and on and on.............
I finally got back to sleep and proceeded to sleep in, which meant a rush to get everyone out the door this morning. They weren't late, but it was tight! I have no idea what kind of mood I'm in because I don't have time to think about it. If I stop for a minute I'll probably be really cranky!
Sorry for the negativity, just had to get it out! (And I do know my problems pale in comparison to those Nan is talking about.)
Chuck, Good morning to you. Feeling a little cynical today?
Nan, The sad reality is that they face a daily struggle to not lose it. And many of them are destroyed but have no choice but to carry on. It would just be nice if they received the recognition and services they deserve when they come home.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The gravity of my situation hit me full in the face at 2 AM. I woke up with what I know to be the beginnings of a panic attack. I had the most horrid sense of doom and despair! It is the loneliest feeling that I have ever experienced, but I have learned to talk myself out of it before the panic starts. Last night was a little harder. My mind was running with thoughts of how I am going to do this, is it going to be worth it, should I change my mind, do I need to find a different job, how do I find out if my rent here can be subsidized and if not, where will we live, what will I do with the dogs, and can I keep them if I am working or going to school full time, how am I going to go to school and raise 4 kids, how are the 4 kids going to handle this, what am I doing wrong to keep ending up single, what do I do if my Crohn's comes out of remission.... and the list went on and on and on.............
I finally got back to sleep and proceeded to sleep in, which meant a rush to get everyone out the door this morning. They weren't late, but it was tight! I have no idea what kind of mood I'm in because I don't have time to think about it. If I stop for a minute I'll probably be really cranky!
Sorry for the negativity, just had to get it out! (And I do know my problems pale in comparison to those Nan is talking about.)
Lauri - They'll all be dead in 10 years, except for the straggler in a nursing home here and there. Then, very sadly, they will start to be forgotten. The whole thing will turn into a chapter in a textbook. Then part of a chapter. Then a paragraph or two. Then something a historian studies in grad school. Maybe a page in a family genealogy photo album.
Like the others for the past 4,000 years. Etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.......
And then there'll be a new batch. And another new batch. And another, and another, and another.
~~~
You'll manage because you have to manage. You just divvy it up, prioritize, and keep moving. There's no other option.
When you start doing the "chasing your tail" thing, stop. Just stop. Get out a pencil and paper, and start making lists of what needs to be done, what has to be done before other things on the list, what can be delegated, what can't, and then make sure that something gets checked off that list every day. If you're still agitated, clean something. Do something on the list. The same with what you absolutely have to have (i.e., roof, food, basic utilities, medical care).
If it helps, make a schedule. It helped me when I went back to school. I remember making a grid of every waking moment, by 1/2 hour increments, 6:00am to midnight, for every day of the week. They were all filled in with stuff that I had to do that I checked off, except that from 10:00 to midnight on Sunday nights was mine. I strongly recommend leaving at least the two hours for you and making that an absolute.
If it's not something that has to be done, but is only a nice-ity (can't spell it), leave it off unless it is something that keeps your spirits up. If that's the case do it, if you can fit it in (i.e., having a clean house, having no laundry scattered around, whatever.). You might have to do without some of the things you thought important, but priorities will rearrange themselves.
If you don't absolutely have to do it, if one of the kids can be doing it, have the kid do it.
You can't worry about the "what if" disasters. You can arrange things, as much as you can, so you have as much of a disaster plan available in case something does go awry. But you can't stop it from coming by worrying about it. And you can worry yourself into a state where you'll cause your own disaster.
On the good side, you have an extended family and they are nearby. That must be a tremendous comfort - you'll never have to go without a roof or food, really.
You'll make it work. - Nan
( I can't believe it, all these years and I always said "humph! I've never had a panic attack! what wussies these people are!" But Lauri wrote it all out and for the first time in my life I now realize I have had these things all my life! what a revelation! I am stunned!)
ok, though, I know what I have done to help them. I get a free passbecause I am a recovering alcoholic and can find a meeting most anywhere. I set up a half hour before I have to get to the meeting and rave and cry and carry on to beat the band, then I take a shower and go to a meeting ( and ususally have to take a shower after, from the cigerette smell!, too) and buck up.
I look forward to the 'pity party' all day, too! I put off having a melt down because I am gonna let 'er rip later. I wasn't always able to go to a meeting, but I found the meeting was what saved my ass. . got me out of myself, got me thinking about someone else than me.
inch by inch, row by row
gonna make this garden grow
all it takes is a rake and a hoe
and a piece of fertile ground
inch by inch, row by row
bless now these seeds I sow
keep 'em safe in the ground below
till the rain comes tumblin' down.
mindless, I know, but as good a mantra as any...
Merle
01 Oct 2007, 8:40 pm
richie wrote:
I am now on vacation..... got plenty of time to start cleaning up this pig-pen of an apartment I have.
Bought an iPhone this morning and I just finished setting up my account. I am still learning how to
deal with all of its bells and whistles..... I might buy a new computer this week and set it up with
Ubuntu.
Bought an iPhone this morning and I just finished setting up my account. I am still learning how to
deal with all of its bells and whistles.....
I might buy a new computer this week and set it up withUbuntu.
Congratulations!! Not on the cleaning but on the other things!
01 Oct 2007, 9:20 pm
01 Oct 2007, 9:26 pm
01 Oct 2007, 10:59 pm
02 Oct 2007, 7:33 am
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