The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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Sorry, but I'm still having a bit of a hard time figuring out this place

Would it be appropriate to discuss something serious and potentially dreary as having a parent die?
I lost my mother Friday the 15th. Lost my Step-Father two years ago, and my Dad is probably not far behind.

I know death is inevitable and I've dealt with the death of strangers in my work in the medical field.
My mom has been dealing with repiratory issues for a long time and each time she went into the hospital, we started preparing for the fact that she might not come out alive... but she would.

This time was different in many ways... it apparantly was her time to go though.

I haven't actually hit the deep grief stage yet... cried a bit, but not what I am expecting to do eventually here.
I actually feel a sense of relief both for her and my family.
Hope that doesn't sound crass or uncaring...
Although she did want to live and proved it many times (see the comment above about her hospital visits), she was wearing down more and more over time. It's selfish, but I found it hard to see where the quality of life was for her.

When she went in to the ICU this time and wound up on a respirator, I went through a thought process that basically weighed my feelings and beliefs against what I know of her wishes not to be on long-term life support and the fact that she worked hard to stay alive all these years... her desire to keep on keeping on but only if she was not dependent on a machine to keep her alive.
I determined that based upon her obvious desire to come home and continue her life, even on full-time oxygen and not being able to move about very well, my definition of 'quality of life' did not trump her feelings.

I live in California, she was in Texas. I am grateful for my older sister who lives near our mother. She and her husband have done so much for my mom.
I got out there as soon as I could, first believing that my daughter and I would make it out before my mom passed on.
She actually died while I was at work and my sister called me to let me know as soon as she had died.

I was wondering how my 14 y.o. daughter would handle seeing her grandmother's body, deal with the service, and the fact that she just missed seeing her grandmother 'alive' one last time.

My daughter actually handled everything quite well. She wound up being the music arranger by downloading songs my mother liked and arranging them on a CD to be played at the service.
She comforted various family members and even touched her grandmother's body... something I could not bring myself to do.

We talked about all this on the trip home.
This was my daughter's first experience with a relative dying (she did not really know my stepfather) and seeing a dead body.

I'm upset with my former wife's actions though...
She knew my mother and I figured she might offer condolences... not once yet...
She's had plenty opportunity to do so yet has never mentioned my mom.
While talking on the phone the night of my mother's death and prior to my daughter and I flying out the next morning, my former wife did ask me if I thought we'd be back in time for a concert she and our daughter had tickets for.

I just don't get it... it hurts that she has ignored this significant event in my life.
We may be divorced, but after knowing my mother for 17 yrs (they never had troubles with each other) I really thought some words would be in order.

Anyway, I posted this all here because being 47, I realize my parents are getting to that age when I expect any medical issue to cause them significant harm or even death.
I guess after I hit 40 or so, I started trying to prepare myself for the fact that they would be gone in the not-to-distant future.

Thanks

hello wsmac,

we always have time for real life here in the ol' Cafe. I am sorry you lost your mother. I think your child is a lot more resilient than you might think, and she is taking her cue on how to handle her grief from someone she trusts - you.

I buried both my mother and father, so I do understand how you might find yourself experiencing different rushes of emotions. I found they came at odd times, when just some phrase from something I am reading or a snatch of song heard in the distance can get me all misty eyed. Sometimes I am dry eyed and practical about it. It doesn't seem to have a pattern, something that would bring me to my knees with grief one time won't even phase me the next time.

oh, and your former wife that can't even mention it? She is more to be pitied than censored. Grief is strange and some folks can't muster up the courage to face it. they just can't. sorry if it gives you pain that you are not able to share your grief with her. she might not be able to trust herself if she starts.

we might laugh and joke here, but as Alfred, Lord Byron said:
"If I laugh at any mortal thing, 'tis that I might not weep"

glad you are here,

Merle

Hey there wsmac! You are welcome to share your grief here.

Nothing really prepares us for the death of someone we love. Even when we know that death is close and it will be a relief when it is all over, we still grieve.

Your daughter must be very mature to handle things so well.

Your wife is indeed insensitive. Who can understand such behaviour? I can't.

Please keep posting here in your grief. You will get support here.

Robyn

wsmac--

Life is going to be weird for a while, but you know that. I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that hurtful things happened afterwards.

Though what your ex did really hurt, there could be a ton of reasons why she didn't say anything, and I agree with Nanna...she is to be pitied, because just a few words would have been appropriate, but she didn't. She has to live with that.

I lost my father almost three years ago, and it still hits me at odd moments that he is gone. My mom's been gone for nearly fifteen years. It makes me think how I'll face that moment, and what I want to leave for my family to remember of my death.

Sure makes me look at older people differently.

Again, I send you my deepest sympathy and I hope you and your daughter are doing all right and taking care of yourselves.

Metta and karuna, Rjaye.

(((((((hug)))))))))

I am very sorry for you and your daughter's loss. The cafe is a place for all that life throws our way. We are here to listen when you need to talk.

You have raised your daughter to be strong, independent and it seems you've never hid "life" from her. It is no surprise that she has handled herself and the death of her grandmother so well. And I have no doubt that the two of you will be a great comfort to each other as you deal with the grief that you will work through.

I can understand your anger and confusion about your ex-wife's actions, or lack thereof. She may have no idea what to say or may be dealing with her own grief but that shouldn't excuse her from offering condolences to you. That is hurtful.

Be kind to yourself for the next while. Feel what you need to feel as it comes and deal with the grief, anger, and sadness that will happen.

wsmac

I cannot offer you a hug in person, since the distance is too great, but I hope you will accept this in it's place

http://www.crunchgear.com/wp-content/uploads/hugs_001.JPG

Thank you all very much for your kind words and condolences.

I also appreciate you sharing your personal stories with me.. life is full of difficult times especially when there are others around us we love very much.

My former wife and I started back to counseling a couple of weeks before my mom died.
I had wanted this for the entire time we were going through divorce.
I wanted her to have a chance to say things I think she has never said during the divorce or, for that matter, during our marriage.
When her parents pass on, I will grieve. I truly felt part of the family for the 17 years we were together.
I suppose we'll resume sessions this coming week.
I will bring up my feelings concerning her lack of attention to my mother's death and we'll see how it goes from there.
I do want to give her a chance to explain her lack of comment to me.

When my oldest sister was murdered, some family members sought to shelter our mother by not mentioning our sister around her.
I took the opposite stance and felt comfortable bringing up Cathy's name around mom.
I will do the same for my mother. There are many happy memories I can draw upon concerning my mother and I do not wish to let her memory fade away.

I keep telling myself that she is gone. I keep thinking about how she will not be calling me on the phone, nor will I see her when I visit home again. I was thinking this might bring up enough sadness to help me cry and get it all out. I suppose I'm just not ready yet.

Hey, hey. You don't have to force yourself to cry. That will happen naturally if it happens at all.

You shouldn't feel like you have to force yourself to feel something you're not.

As far as talking to your ex, I say you do that.

sometimes I get hung up on the crying thing. I mean, once the actual crying has established.,, it is very very difficult to stop. When I lost my beloved cat to the coyotes I was unconsolable for months. I would tear up at work, or while driving and have to pull over to the side of the road or risk an accident.
I remember going through a couple of divorces when I had to actually make an appointment with myself to have a good cry at 7:00PM, kick and scream and grieve and then take a shower and head off to an AA meeting by 8:00PM so I could mellow out and bring myself down from the emotional high.

anyone else get on a crying jag?

Merle

I've gone on crying jags that left me exhausted. Often I wasn't sure what I was even crying about. I have decided that it must be a delayed reaction to something.

I am sorry for your loss, wsmac. I am facing the loss of my father, and am suffering inside because I cannot travel to see him. Even though I know that he will suffer until that moment of release, I am sure nothing can prepare me for this loss.