I was wondering?

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I'm just going to paste a little thing I've been working on,

What the Hell is Wrong with Me?

Recently I’ve had a few insights into this question. The child I remember being is a definite Autism candidate.

I’m totally unaware of the unspoken rules and queues in interactions. It’s not that I don’t understand I don’t think, I don’t perceived them at all. I just seem to feel aware that people often feel uneasy around me after a while.

I often get over spoken, I never know why. I often speak too quickly and stumble phrasing. I often find myself defensively whining.

I’ve been reading about Empathy being very important in the diagnosis of Autism related conditions. My first thought is to say I have too much Empathy, often to my own detriment. I always seem to the other side all too well. I’m wondering if this is an intellectual approximation of Empathy. If I am unaware of the interactions between people then I’m puzzled about this Empathy. Perhaps I over react to the actual, factual circumstances of a situation and find a route to an emotional response by another route?

If I’m unable to judge the subtleties and balances of social situations, or rather the relationships between people then I expect this is where the fear comes from. It seems to take about 18 months at a place of work before I become a little hyper sensitive to bad vibes around me although I’m always aware of those. People seem to test the boundaries of those around them and there own social skills will tell them that I have vulnerabilities. Then people can’t seem to help them selves. The result is that I seem to carry a white flag and use my intellect to face the world. That may be why people seem to feel uneased by me, because I’m not putting on a true face, just a shield. It feels like a split almost.

The big crippling factor in all this is Guilt. I sometimes say I’m Built of Guilt. I’m forever getting little Polaroid’s being thrust before my conscious mind of situations when I was obviously a fool. Sometimes it can just be moments when viewed from a perspective, surely the other person could see that I was a fraud. We both seem to be enjoying the moment as equals but suddenly this thought will crash in. Even though it all looks all right it can’t be because I don’t ring true.

The thing that gives me hope just now is that this knowledge of why and a few clues as to how helps me with the guilt a little. There’s this phrase I hear, “who are you carrying all that Guilt for, put it down”, gladly, but how?
For the first time I think I see what I’m frightened of. I just don’t perceive these games and nuances, in the way a Dog doesn’t perceive Television. It’s there, it’s plainly obvious but I don’t seem to feel it, I just fake it intellectually.

One of my dogs can perceive television pictures, it's a nice metaphor anyway.

There's nothing but folly anyway so I wouldn't worry about seeming like a fool. It's smarter to know it.

Welcome to WP

Hehe. Sounds familiar, Skidaddle... just keep trying. I myself have a tendency to go with the flow, keep myself out of trouble. Agree with almost any idea put forward, and analyse things way too much. (Some contradictions, yes, but if I described myself in more detail ther would be yet more contradictions. ^_—)

I can't offer much advice, because I'm no psychologist, just myself. Anyway, good luck. And, as Postperson said, welcome to WP. I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

Hi and thanks for looking and commenting. So many times I've seen and heard of conditions and though that I seem to have some of those symptoms but this idea of a spectrum of Autism related conditions is the only one that I've ever been able to breathe out on, it just seems to settle right. I need to spend some quality time in this site, I've no idea if I'm Aspergers or not Aspergers or any of all points in-between. I am interested in this of course but I really want to just figure out how to get on. There are so many issues with self image and confidence and failure it's hard to spot the wood from the trees. If I can just find a way to deal with this Guilt, find a way to approach the world with my whole person, knit this emotional/intellectual split then perhaps I can start something without the absolute certain knowledge that failure is one and a half paces away. I'm nearly always the smartest person in any situation but I'm no Rainman. If I could use my mind for me rather than against me then I'd be on to a good thing.

If you want to use your intellect to your advantage, then very systematically and repeatedly analyze the disadvantages and advantages of guilt. Make a list.

I think you'll find that there are definitely more disadvantages to guilt. In that way, you can identify it as an enemy to your realization of your full potential and turn away from it every time it comes up.

You might analyze where guilt comes from... our parents, teachers, religion and society have all laid some big trips on each and every one of us--Aspie and NT alike-- and those tapes just keep playing in our heads. Often to our detriment.

Guilt is a huge waste of time, energy, and potential. Repeatedly turn your mind away from it. Those thoughts will lose their power, become just background noise that is easy to ignore.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, queues.

the good thing about feeling guilt is at least you know you're not a sociopath!