I'm an 18 year old female... I am not sure if I should be here, but I'll give it a try. Thanks in advance to anyone who reads this post, and I am sorry for its length.
I had consistent social issues over the course of my lifetime. I immigrated with my parents from an xUSSR country to USA, and I continually attributed my social issues to culture discrepancy or other. But after doing some observation I decided that it's something deeper than that. I observed people who changed countries or who had language issues adapt and have no problems such as those that I possess. I have an interest in psychology, and from the many descriptions that I've read and thought about, Asperger syndrome seems to come quite close.
I am not diagnosed since I really can't afford to visit a psychologist; furthermore, I do not really trust them. Nor do I trust online tests very well. I seem to get very strange results from those.
In any case, my characteristics:
I was separate from others almost since I was born. Not sure of the specific cause, but me and other children never seemed to see eye to eye. I had no language problems, in fact, I read a lot so my grammar was better than most. So was my math knowledge. My parents told me I was too smart for all the other kids. I am also somewhat tomboyish, or, I'd say, double-gendered, although my sexuality seems to be normal.
After that, we moved to the USA. Surprisingly, I had a very good reception in USA, since back then, immigrants were "popular" and they all wanted to get to know me. They pushed their interest onto me and I was gratified to accept it. I made quite a lot of elementary school friends, and that was probably the last time I ever had any whatsoever.
We immigrated back to our original country. I had a moderately OK reception, with partial admiration for my now advanced knowledge of the English language, as well as partial jealousy. I had some family problems at that time so I didn't really pay much attention to socializing, but I actually had no friends or anyone of that sort.
Again, we returned to USA, and that's where we are now. I have switched 3 different schools and I am now in college.
Since the time when I was accepted by American kids in elementary school, I didn't really receive any other attention. My normal state is invisibility. People do not bother me, nor do they try to contact me. When I contact them, they usually ward me off. I was told by one person "I don't want to be friends with you." with no explanation and by another "I am only friends with people I know for a long time." This is after I tried to construct, forcefully, a friendship. In other situations, when I try to make it come naturally, nothing happens. A person I know for 2 years will not notice my existence, it seems. And I am aware of people in my own school constructing friendships with the SAME people in a matter of months or weeks or days.
I also had problems with sports and clubs. I am mostly ignored. While everyone laughs, does things together, or discusses what they will do, I am always at the side. When I try to chime in, make myself noticed, people treat me as an annoyance. They only seem to notice me for a brief period when I do something unusual, but, that, also, doesn't last long.
When in any social gatherings, I'm always alone, singular, and everyone seems too busy with everyone else or something. Contact with others creates a dry conversation that soon ends on lack of anything to discuss.
I have never been asked out. I asked 2 guys out and have been rejected by both with, again, no explanation. I am horrible at playing any of the games involved, and, honestly, don't even want to play them.
My parents and other people have made comments about my behavior, mostly negative, and some of it does seem to fit Asperger, autism, etc. And, most importantly, I observed myself. I don't exactly view my behavior as negative, more like, it's not subject to stereotyping, and people seem to get the wrong idea what I'm all about.
1. I have huge problems understanding body language, or generating my own correctly. If a person is trying to give me a hint, I will not get it. The only way for me to understand a person's intentions is to ask a direct question. Similarly, I am very bad at giving the body signs I want to give. I often seemed to turn people off without saying a word. I have trouble smiling when I don't feel like it, and I also have trouble controlling my expression. If I am amused, I will smile and laugh even in the most inappropriate situation. I also have trouble suppressing crying. The only way I can control is by actually shutting down my emotions.
2. I have problems with figurative language, jokes, etc. I usually catch jokes, but it may take me a second longer than it takes everyone else. I often take some things too seriously or too literary. I especially badly understand anything that relies on stereotypes, racial slurs, sexism, etc. I am always the one to awkwardly say that "maybe they're just different" about a character in a joke. After which I am politely told I have no sense of humor, and I've received this comment from my own parents quite often.
3. My manner of expression tends to be rather bland, 90% of the time, and 10% of the time I use a strange form of figurative language nobody seems to understand at all. I have some sort of an aversion to logical expression, and I generally prefer to be addressed in a logical manner. Irrationality or lack of logic in expressions will often stump me or just have me interpret it literary, as stated above...
4. I have problems understanding what others feel about anything. Since most people are too polite to tell me point blank that, say, I am boring or something interests them, I may not capture that. Which leads to miscommunication, of course. The only way I can analyze someone's feelings is by logical signs and such. Most people seem to have this on autopilot. I have often been told I am insensitive which is so far from reality I don't even know where to begin.
5. I don't seem to be subject to the repetative behavior that tends to be displayed in Asperger. I have a wide array of interests, and, in fact, have trouble focusing on anything specific. Occasionally, I have short term obsessions over certain things, including TV shows and personality disorders.
6. I have nearsightedness and my hearing is a bit worse than normal. I don't seem to have any sensitivity to anything...
7. Physical clumsiness, on the other hand, is something. I don't know how prominent it is, but I have always been a clumsy person to some extent. I frequently hit tables, poles, etc. while walking, on the side. Only slightly, but enough to make me feel awkward. I seem to have to take more time to develop proper coordination in a sport, such as catching a ball with a lacrosse stick. Similarly, when playing video games, my fingers sometimes tangle up and feel clumsy. I have quite some trouble with precise movements. I usually can overpower this but it continues to exist and I can't get rid of it, especially in everyday situations. I have been told by my parents that my walk is clumsy and unfeminine. Attempts such as walking with a book on my head didn't seem to sprout improvement. I can ride a bicycle but I'm somewhat uncomfortable with it, and I am just as uncomfortable with driving a car.
I also have poor handwriting and have been bashed for this for way too long in my home country.
I have problems falling asleep, I often wake up at 3 AM for no reason (this doesn't bother me, though), but I can't complain about my sleep, really.
I think I'm pretty much done here. I know one cannot diagnose across the internet... but does this look like Asperger/autism to you?
23 Jun 2009, 10:45 pm
