A future

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Hello, I'm toomuchthinking an 18 y/o male in Washington State. I have several diagnoses, none of which include aspergers, however I suffer almost all the same issues an aspie does and I am afraid I may be diagnosed with aspergers(my psychiatrist told me that I am very werid(don't worry, he's nice), and he told me I may be an aspie). Diagnoses aside, I am going to try to write this post to describe my condition, not a collection of DSM tags. I will, however, attempt to arrange my post into sections.
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I have ups and downs for which I take mood stablizers. I essencially cycle between 3 states,

one in which I am confident, hopefull, and filled with ideas,
the seccond in which I hate myself and feel I am a bad person, am embarased by everything, and experience a kind of anxious frenzy,
the third in which I have been most recently, I feel no hope for life, and feel I may end it, I also feel such a worthless burden that I do not make a big deal out of it.
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I also have a set of feelings that are independent of my mood. Things can feel "safe" or they can feel "unsafe"; frightening and out of controll. These feelings are defined by a set of rituals/ STIMing excersises that I preform. Untill recently I took a shower every morning and picked at acne for 20 minutes, this is/was the most important of these rituals. I also chew my iner lip(which I'm also trying to stop). I also do things like when I'm having a conversation, I'll find something that makes a clicking noise, and I'll make it click(my dad really hates this and wants me to stop, but I need to do this or I will feel so unsafe that I'll stop having any conversations).

Also related to my feelings of "safe" and "unsafe" I have a very strict adherance to rules. This may not be totally apparant to those on the outside because I follow both rules of morality as well as of law, but I almost never break any of the rules in my head.

Lastly, I do obsessively research topics. My latest topic is psychiatry. I relate everything I think about to the conditions of the human mind. When I am able to research psychiatry I feel safe. This isn't so plain and simple though, because with my strong adherance to rules, and the ridicule of my mother(her words often become rules for me), I feel like a bad person spending all day searching the web for information on psychiatry.

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When it comes to social situations I am in terriable shape. I have no close friends in real life. Being in face to face social situations makes me very nervious. At this point there is no purpose in discussing my social skills, because when I'm in social situations I am too scared to think. When I was in elementary school I had socially related paranoid dellusions. I believed that the other kids had a secret method of communication and that they where plotting to make me arrive at embarasing situations, or situations in which I could be ridiculed. When I spend time with peers, especially if they are teasing me, my anxiety quicly builds and I become paraniod again.

On the positive side, I'd have to say that I do understand neurotyical humor and when I am in the correct mood people find my to be funny. Also, I do have a strong understanding of emotion, both my own, and the emotions of others. When I am in a safe one on one situation, I can relate to other people extremely well.

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Right now I spend my days in the basement of my home, doing things on the internet. I feel like a bad person because my parents often ridicule me for my lifestyle. I would like to not feel like a bad person. I would love to be able to interact with people in real life. I really do want friends beyond those whom I have met online.

Unfortunatly, I cannot imagine happiness in my future. I have tried to escape my ideas about rules which make me feel like a bad person, and I have tried to learn to feel safe in social situations, but I have failed. I think that for me, what I need is to find a nurturing safe place where I can learn to not be paraniod and anxious. I know these types of things exist for children, but I'm 18, and not only am I 18 but my IQ is superior (though it doesn't show in my writting today with my bad mood) I really can't imagine that such a place exists.

I need to go back to elementary school, grow up again.

Welcome, toomuch!

Mood swings, you gotta love them! I think we have all had these, especially at around your age.



We all follow rules, both external and internal. As long as you are not hurting yourself or others, there is nothing wrong with that.



"Obsessive" research of things is a typical aspie trait. I do the same thing, though the interests will vary over time. Become an expert in one area, then move onto another interest. And I think it's normal to be curious about things at your age. You are trying to understand the world and your place in it. As for your mother ridiculing you, she might just be expressing her concern for you in her own way. You don't have to internalize or agonize over this. You will look back on your parent's criticism someday and will be able to appreciate their motives with a litle bit of hindsite. When I lived with my dad, I resented his criticism, but now I understand it was just him expressing his concern and love for me. And don't feel like a "bad person" for researching your interests. By this criteria, we were all "bad" people when living under our parent's roofs. I liked to read all the time, and my dad was always complaining about it and trying to get me outside and involved with some activity (which I also hated him trying to force me away from something I liked).



I'm a total wreck in social situations. Like most of us here on Wrong Planet And you will have friends, just give it time. They will come and go throughout your life. Just don't force it. I'm not exactly a friend magnet myself.



You are young, "happiness" will come at different moments (trust me). Be sure to cherish them when they do. Life is a cycle of ups and downs. Also, your "safe place" will never be anything physical, rather it is a mindset. It took me most of my life to realize this. You will adjust, believe me. And no, you don't have to go back to school, life will become your school. Grow up again? No, you are just starting. Like you are doing right now. Like each and every one of us. Anyways, not sure if this helped, but if it did, I'm glad. Again, welcome to Wrong Planet!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Greetings, toomuchthinking, and welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.