Hi - from a wife

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Hi - I've just found this forum and I hope it's going to be the answer to my silent calls for help.
I've been married for a long long time to someone who I believe is an aspie although we haven't talked about it and he doesn't know anything about this.
I first became aware of asperger's in 2001 when we were having some bad times which were inexplicable to me. My research led me to think that he was possibly on the spectrum and I even confided in my grown up kids. One agreed totally with me and the other wouldn't consider it.
As the years have gone by I've been aware that I have subconsciously protected my husband all our married life from social situations that I felt would overwhelm him.
I'm now at the point of no return, I think. Our communication is at an all time low and I feel it's important now to broach the subject with him.
I'm not about to walk out on him, I love him for many of the traits that seem to be particular to aspies - his complete honesty, lack of b******t and vulnerability.
What I don't think I can handle any more is the callousness, sarcasm, temper tantrums etc.
I have never spoken to anyone else about this apart from the kids and I'm desperate for some contact and support.
Sorry for a ramble in my first post.

you could try ASandtheirpartners at delphi forums, it's a specialist 'relationships' group.

http://forums.delphiforums.com/asandpartners/start

but welcome to WP anway.

This is mega. You've been together for long and still love each-other. My dad was...well I wouldn't call him an aspie but he had the bluntness. I'm guessing he just doesn't percieve it all as broadly as you do, so at least he means no harm with the callousness. Also, yeah, therapy may help, but just mutual understanding. Don't make the mistake of going to see the wrong people. Y'know, the "red flag" guys who immedeately see you as a victim and him as the bad guy. Get a good shrink or have a sit-down to talk about how you percieve each-other's actions.

I can only assume his perception of things is vastly different from yours and he sees no harm in what he's doing. If you're together this long he obviously loves you back, so I suspect as long as you both step into the other's shoes, so to speak, he can realize where he messed up, and you will most likely see he didn't mean to be this *Insert hurtful thing here*


My dad, however, had a rather bossy mother..who was a cult's prophet. He was weak, and a sad, sad man. So yeah. More "me in X situation" then "experience with dad"

Hi Heatherblue,

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

It's always difficult with older aspies who aren't diagnosed but communication is certainly the key. You'll both get a lot out of "renewing your relationship". For my wife and I, a Marriage Encounters (http://www.wwme.org/) weekend was the ticket but I'm sure it varies from one couple to the next.

You might also want to have a read through my blog (see my footer) as I've covered a lot of relationship stuff in there. There's some subject tags on it which will take you to the most relevant material. Try Communication and Relationships.

Also... there's a forum on WP called "The Haven" which, if you don't get many replies, is a great place to shout out your needs.

You and your husband might want to (separately) do the aspie quiz at (http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php) - if you pretend it's just a fun quiz, he might do it and might be surprised by the results - it's proven to be very accurate.

Good luck.

Pleased to meet you, heatherblue. Welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.

Thanks all for your replies and welcomes.
I don't feel so alone.

I did the aspie quiz myself the other day on his behalf, using things he has said to me over the years about how he feels as reference. I answered as honestly as I could and the results were pretty conclusive.

I have a lot of learning to do but I don't feel things are just so bleak any more.

I've learned today that the hurtful things said should be forgotten as they aren't meant. I used to save them all up in little compartments in my brain and torture myself with them when I was upset by something new he'd said, and believe me he has quite a talent for sarcasm and scathing remarks.

However I know too that most of his outbursts come at a time when my emotions are at the surface and he just can't handle emotion at all.

I've tried to bottle up my own feelings so I am never depressed ( on the surface anyway) sad or upset, as things like that leave him completely at a loss. But this comes at a heavy cost to me.

I'll let you know how things go, and if and when I tell him about AS.

Hi Heatherblue

I can relate to much of what you've said. I'm an NT wife with an Aspie husband. Been married for 19 years and have three kids. There are some other NT spouses on this site too.

In our case, when I told my husband about Asperger's and my suspicions that he had it, he took it better than I thought he would, and was actually happy to have answers to issues he's had his whole life. You might try bringing it up when you think he's in a receptive mood.

Either way, I hope this forum is a help to you. It is to me. Feel free to pm me if you'd like. We can cry on each others' shoulders!
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Hello. I came here for the same reason. I'm a little overwhelmed trying to navigate life with my husband who has AS and was hoping to find some support from others who are in a slightly better place (and to be able to offer that during our own up times to others). Trying to navigate forums is a little too much for me emotionally right now so I just splurged it all out on a blog first. I don't know if I am allowed to link it, but I won't bother duplicating it all on your thread. There are others out here and you aren't alone. I hope to see you around.

Eliza

Hi Heatherblue I hope you manage to sort things out, not easy lioving with someone who does not admit or know, because until I was diagnosed had no idea how I impacted on others, since being diagnosed it has helped me relationship with my husband, because at least I can explain and allow others in a little more.... I have written some on relationships, this may help - Unconventional relationships never easy - mix in some asd traits, expect the unexpected...: http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=c ... Itemid=146 and a few other articles below:
A Radical New Autism Theory (Overload of emotions!)
http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and- ... ism-theory
Too controlling - things may not always be what they seem!
http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=c ... Itemid=161
Modern Love, dealing With AS, With the Help of His Wife
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/fashion/17love.html