Again... Hello from Holland

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Funny how it has been a year since i've introduced myself here only to disappeared again

It took a whole [expletive] year to get through the whole diagnostic process due to having to deal with a clutter of disorders and my mechanisms over the years to appear more 'normal'.

The diagnosis boiled down to Autistic Spectrum Disorder (Autism), Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (Combined Type) and a mild form of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, though OCPD has a lot of overlap with ASD so they're not sure about that one. A brilliant combination of problems all feeding off each other.

I also had my third IQ test (one that make you go "OMG, why aren't we done yet, we've been at this the whole day already!"). I could have given them the results of the ones I already took at ages 11 and 18, but they rather just billed my insurance I guess. Ironic how I had exactly the same general score for the third time.

Intelligence is probably how I've managed to adapt socially and hide my problems from the outside world and myself to a certain degree (though I'm still geeky, distant, chaotic, forgetful and obsessive at times). And I think my non-typical choice in sports (like agressive inline skating and mixed martial arts) and being good at them, camouflaged a lot as well.

But while I got increasingly better at appearing to fit in, it also became increasingly more difficult as the house of cards became more and more unstable. Where people are meant to go forwards in life, I just chase around after interests, like a kid after butterflies, some of which just happen to move partially forwards at best.

Since my 15th I'm already leaving a trail of burned bridges in my wake and 10 years later reality finally caught up with me with a vengeance. I even had to move back to my parents recently and I'm on the waiting list for a clinic specialized in helping people with Autism for almost a year now. They better be worth the wait ffs.

But I'm taking methylphenidate for the ADHD and that helps me a lot with getting things 'done'. I'm finally seem to be able to start going forward, aiming for a Journalism study which might just suit me and my diverse fleeting interests.

While autism never allowed me to develop much of a social life outside family and a few friends that stuck from sports, or care about things like building a career or a creating a family. It seems that ADHD is the one that actually makes a mess of my life, amplified by the autistic trait to quickly turn interest into obsessions.

But dealing with the ADHD also a negative side effect though. While the medication helps me to deal with my inability to get a grip on previously impossible tasks, some even as simple as tidying up a room, it also breaks the control I've learned to hold over my autistic problems

The mechanisms I've developed over the years to 'fit in' become unbearable if I take that medication. I become more distant, less tolerant, more obsessive, I can't control my tics and become increasingly vulnerable to stress and 'sensory overload' (though I dislike that description, for me it's more of an untolerable 'scratching on a blackboard' feeling of 'wrongness' that works on sight and touch as well).

Before everything came crashing down I managed to fit in so well that I could fool most people. I started to believe that being actually 'normal' was just a matter of time (though at that time I still thought I was just another badly adapted geek but with some very contrasting interests).

Though ofcourse below the surface my life was a cardhouse always close to collapsing. But I managed to 'forget' that by just drowning myself in sports, reading and random interests.

Now I know where it all comes from I've also come a painful conclusion: the only way for me to keep my life under control is to stop trying to adapt and act 'normal' in order to be able to keep the ADHD in check. Having to accept the fact that there is something truly missing inside and that for me a lot things normal people take for granted will probably always remain is out of reach is for me, a very bitter pill to swallow.

But I shouldn't complain. I'm well aware that there are plenty of people that are so severely autistic they have to block the world out, or plenty of Aspies who don't have the slightest idea how to adapt to normal people in the first place. Where I just have to deal with Tantalus' schadenfreude.

End of the intro and pathetic rant. I'll probably be lurking around this forum for while.


Cheers!

Welcome back to WP!

Hi, welcome. It's interesitng to read about your experiences in the diagnostic process. It pretty much illustrates how professionals like to redo testing that others already did because they apparently don't trust their colleagues...I was first diagnosed with ASD in another city in March of 2007, but when I moved to my current city in Aug, I had to go through testing all over again. Kind of sutpid how they're cutting healthcare budget on much-needed support, while money is wasted on endless diangostic processes.

Welcome back cheers to the WP community, Tobz!

HI... new to here too- but all the way for me... (I am half Dutch btw)... and I have a very similar story to yours- very good at faking it- too good apparently as many around me do not wish to believe this aspect of myself that I am revealing to them... I am debating about getting tested- would help *prove it* to the doubting Thomases... but your experience and the others I have heard related here may keep me from going through the testing...

Welcome back Tobz

Hi there. I visited 's-Gravenhage (is that how to write it?) once, it was a nice place.

They had really good tasting coffee in your country.

For me it was never a matter of proving anything to anybody. I was labeled 'intellectually gifted' at my 11th and that was already extremely annoying.

But with autism, you don't get a different label, but you're dumped on an entire different shelf. And I know how many Aspies are comfortable being on their own little shelf, but I'm not.

I hate it how people, even ones that have known me for years, now I can't hide it anymore, see something is truly wrong with me. And it shows. While I might have a hard time spotting emotions, I have absolutely no problems spotting their changed behaviour towards me.

For all those 'normal' people I'm now something broken. Someone who needs help, shouldn't be trusted with some responsibilities, isn't suitable for a relationship, etc. And hurts that they are right



We just call it 'Den Haag' (less consonants and vowels for tourists to mutilate). Try to say 'din harr-g' but lose the 'rr' and make it sound on the end like your gathering a good phlegm in your troat for a nice spit (might keep that it inside though). Big points for tourists not just saying 'The Hague' like it's an American city that just happens to be in Holland.

I'm not a big fan of coffee though. Never liked the taste of it, and the whole 'drink it until you start liking it' never made much sense to me