saying 'hi' - NT asking for help and advice from aspies

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Hi.

I'm an NT, and I've been having an online 'relationship' with a man, who I believe has asperger's, for a little over a year now. He's intelligent, interesting, caring, handsome, a devoted father, and incredibly sexually exciting - this is why I'm attracted to him.

We live on different continents and haven't been able to each other face to face yet. Most of our communication has been through texts, e-mail or chatting on skype. I think we've talked on the phone three or four time, but he's very uncomfortable with that.

He's a very smart man - very intelligent, very hard working. He has a strict routine that he doesn't like breaking from. He speaks in a very formal manner, which I always attributed to his intelligence - never thought of it as a 'symptom'. He has told me in the past that he thinks he is a narcissist, but I think his one-sided view of the world is another part of asperger's. He does seem to lack empathy at time, but he can be kind, and he's never abusive. He's mentioned that he's sensitive to light and sound. He definitely isolates himself from people and finds social situations a strain. He does get taken advantage of, and he has huge trust issues with women. He was also physically abused by his dad. I'm sure there are more things that I just can't remember right now.

Although I think he's had a lot of brief sexual encounters, his first serious relationship was with his ex-wife, whom he was married to for 5 years. She began on online affair while still married to him, and has had many subsequent relationships, which has really been hard him - especially in the area of trust.

Being in a long distance situation is difficult - there is definitely no immediate gratification. We've had sexually intimate conversations and as a result I'm quite attached to him. But he really needs the face to face interaction to form a bond. And I will be the first one to admit that online is not the same as knowing someone in person.

Sometimes I get the feeling that it really doesn't matter whether I'm in his life or not. But I don't know if that's the truth of it. Even though we've been talking for a year, there are times when it seems as if I'd just met him yesterday. It's like there's no cumulative knowledge between us. He remembers our past discussions, but they don't seem to impact him in a significant, emotional way.

We have a lot of misunderstandings - which I'm completely committed to working through with him. But it's draining and frustrating for him. He's even said 'let it go' a couple of times. But I don't want to give up. At the same time, he's a grown man, and I want to respect his wishes.

I'm on another forum with mainly NT women who are married to AS men. They say that the work in the relationship mainly comes from them. And I've become so frustrated with mainstream advice because any relationship that doesn't follow someone's definition of 'normal' all the sudden becomes 'unhealthy', and NT women are completely discouraged from pursuing relationships with men who have any sort of struggle.

Anyway, my dilemma that I wanted to ask for help with is that I want to know how much to fight for a relationship with him and when to let go? What would you want if you were frustrated with the continued communication barriers, but wanted a relationship and truly liked this person, and knew she was willing to work through any problem with you?

"Anyway, my dilemma that I wanted to ask for help with is that I want to know how much to fight for a relationship with him and when to let go?"

Next time you have time off/vacation/whatever go visit him for a while, to me it sounds like you get along. While your comment about online relationships not being the same as in 'real life', truth be told more often then not it doesn't matter if the person is genuine.

To me it really sounds like you need to grok the man more and the only way you're going to do that is by meeting him in the flesh, this is about your willingness and passion to find out, how much do you want to know? If you are truly ambivalent leave it.

I had a 100% online relationship myself over a year ago. I like your determination and patience on the matter, he sounds like a hard guy to stay on the line with. I'm glad you can find a way to see things a different way rather than give up. I just hope you put your feelings into the equation here (when talking to him), you may need to explain to him that he seems disinterested, or you can leave the issue alone if you think it will only create more stress.

I can explain how I fall head over heels, how it's happened more than once, and why, but I don't think the issue is him falling head over heels. The issue is he processed the relationship once, he can't act exited all the time when you talk him into intimacy, and in the end, you'll have to accept his seeming disinterest in everything you do for him.

The emotions you displayed are like a drug to this man, he's building up tolerance, but I don't think he wants to quit, I think he just wants to explore the rest of his world again. And I know it sounds like I'm about to say something about an open relationship, that isn[t tha case at all here. What it boils down to is that he has a narrow set of interests, and he loves to explore things throughly. He's going to get back into his routines and hobbies and he'll come back to you when he feels like exploring some intimacy with you.

You thought being a wife was one thing, but it turns out that with the AS, you'll have to act like a mother too (at least in mentality). After all, you watch him, let him explore a little, and wait for him to come back to you. You'll do this every day, and you may like it, especially if you know what you like in him. You get points for just being firm with him when you need to be and you really might want to know a thing or two about his mom as well (gives you something to go off of).

Keep in mind this is my take on the issue and I have had experience (although not lots), and I know my feelings pretty well. I hope this advice helps.

online is not where people usually go to find lasting relationships.

investing your time into a stranger who lives on another continent and has a family is not usually what young women are interested in. maybe you can try finding a few guy friends or acquaintances and going on dates. it's not much fun sitting on the computer hitting away at the keyboard while other girls your age are out having real life fun - not imaginary.

Well, actually I'm 42, I'm separated, and I have four children. But it's nice to be referred to as a young woman and a girl.

I struggle with anxiety and, like aspies, am uncomfortable in social settings. As someone who grew up with only a few temporary friendships, this is what I value most about the internet - with the exception of research. The majority of my relationships are online with people who have similar interests in other countries. I know of no other people who share my occupation nearby, but the world is full of them.

I recently met two of these friends in person - we'd been talking for over 10 years through the computer, so please don't dismiss this interaction as imaginary. It may not be the usual way, but for some of us, it helps us feel safe and connected, and it's all we have.

Welcome to WP!

Let it go.

This is a fantasy relationship with no relation to reality. He frustrates you already. How do you think it is going to get better? He asked you to let it go. Believe him and let it go.

Thank you to everyone who replied.

I am trying to let go, and, you're right, he does frustrate me. Communication is very difficult as he keeps his thoughts extremely close to his chest.

In our last go round of talks, I wanted him to know I was his friend, first and foremost, and that I'm here if he wants to talk or ever needs anything.

So, I'll leave it at that.

Haha... I'm 42, too. And what do you know: I have four children.

I feel much younger, and sometimes it shocks me that I am this old. Someone who was a little sister of my former classmate told that she was a grandmother. I felt so old then...

Anyway, welcome here. I hope you'll feel at home.

I definitely feel younger than 42, and thanks to genetics, I look younger too. I tried to buy beer at the grocery store to kill slugs in my garden and I was carded!

Thank you for the welcome.

There's a thread to post a picture of yourself, so feel free.

Go after him! ANYONE with aspergers is so freakin' lonely at points in their life it's crazy. He's just afraid of new stuff. It's mostly the reason why i don't bother dating.

Actually... find out his interests, and wedge your way into his schedule. if he's as ocd-ish as you claim, he cant play chicken if your in his scheduled life.

Ok, left turn.

In this scenario, allow me to play the AS male to my fiancee as the NT(-esque) partner/wife. We met in person, but have spent most of the near decade we've known each other at least 1600 miles or more apart from each other. We were each engaged to other people. Our relationship grew over the years, primarily online, and started to become a romantic attachment well before I saw here for the first time in years. Admittedly, I am challenging to deal with - but we find that our traits compliment each other in ways we didn't expect. If you care about someone, that in-and-of itself is not false... if anything, it is the image we hold of the other person which is flawed. But don't question your feelings unnecessarily, as that breeds overanalysis. As much as I try, I know I can't change parts of who I am - I've found that there are many ways that we both understand to express how we feel, though... I guess that I am trying to be positive in this instance, as I find entirely too many dismissive statements here.


M.

You're right - he is afraid of new things, and it's seems like the more 'real' the relationship becomes, the harder it is for him. I think what I struggle with is that, from what I've been reading on here, an NT can press too hard, and it just makes the AS partner run further away. I'm trying to learn balance in all this - to let him know I'm here, and he is wanted, but to accept his hermitic spells and not take it personally.

He'll get a small package from me next week, so I usually hear from him afterwards.



For the majority of the year, I was wedged into his schedule - into a nice little slot right before his bedtime. But then some stressful family situations came up in my life which kind of jumbled what we had settled into, and it's never been the same since then. That was May.

Thank you, makuranososhi, for your perspective. I think my guy has a huge fear of any romantic attachment prior to meeting. He's told me several times over the past year that I'm too serious about him - about someone I've never met - and I'm constantly having to defend that fact that I'm not.



I can't tell you how much I appreciate you saying that. It's very encouraging to have some validation. I do care about him - whether we're friends or lovers, whether I'm in his life or not, I do want the best for him.

And I'm the queen of overanalysis - painfully so. I'm working on that with my therapist.

But, to a certain extent, I agree with lelia too. I think there is a healthy amount of letting go that has to take place when your partner has AS. I spent all day yesterday reading posts on this forum, and I'm committed to working through my own issues of being too needy or clingy, as well as developing my emotional intelligence, self-esteem, etc. I know he will never be my emotional everything. I need to be strong, confident, and independent if this is going to work.

Sounds similiar to my relationship.

I am dating some from a different country who lives in a different continent also.

(I live in North America and she in Asia, but she is Malawian).

Anyway, my experiences is that time zone differences are your worst time.

Is it possible for you to get airfare to the place or for her to come any time soon?

If not, forget about it.

The reality is that is very hard to develop a relationship with some over 100 miles away, and even that is difficult.

remember, the Internet is great for many things, for research, for fun and games, for seeing your mail, and for buying lots of stuff, but socialization is it's Achilles' heel. Even Sype doesen't do justice to face to face conversations.

If you can figure out a way to bring her to your continent and to your country but if you can't don't fuss over it. However, if she does up in your area of the world, go and see her, but don't count on it.

Thanks for responding.

When we first started talking, I thought a long distance relationship would do so well because we're both raising children, I'm in school, his work is everything to him, and because of his need to keep a tight schedule and be alone.

I guess I was naive.