hi i just found this board hope it will help

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hi

my name is kosta
i have a 12 yr old with aspergers sydrome

life with her is impossible and i'm hoping any help/techniques/advice you can give would be helpful
to make life at home as peaceful as can be

we have a 7 month old and i don't want his childhood to be disrupted

Welcome, Kosta - you may find the Parent's Discussion forum here to be helpful for you. However, I would mention this... that your daughter did not ask for her condition, and is not trying to disrupt your life. Hopefully, as you find more ways to work with her instead of against her, things will improve at home... forgive me, but the initial post gives an impression that you see her as a problem, an obstacle for your son's life.


M.

i've just started reading various threads but it's tough as every aspie kid has his own strengths and weaknesses

she's been in my life since she has been 4; she wasnt diagnosed until she was 11
i always knew she had issues and i would be supportive (unlike my wife who would lose it and
become a lunatic, throwing things, yelling etc)

now that my wife has a diagnosis, she is a little more supportive, and i just dont care anymore honestly

its not that i dont love her, but she treats us like thrash. she talks to us with no respect. like she is the dictator in the house. that is what kills us. i know she won't clean her room, i know she doesnt like to shower, i know she is difficult in every way, but i dont care, i let it go and take away her computer time.

but when she demands i do something for her and i explain to her that i cant and she flips out, thats when i could care less about her.....sounds cruel i know, i fight myself over this.....but i'm losing my sanity.

I think you are confusing her behavior as purposeful; understanding why she is doing these things may help you relate to her. What you see as arbitrary decision and baseless reaction likely has a cause rooted somewhere that may not seem related to you. Punishing behavior in the manner you describe may not be helping and in fact creating more conflict. It concerns me in your attitude towards the situation, so I will leave it as a suggestion that you talk with other parents of children on the spectrum.


M.

Wow...

Hopefully some parents will see this post and send you some PMs with some good ideas in them. Learning about AS is probably your best bet. Try to hit your mental 'reset' button about the past and bend your behavior with her rather than against her. It's much easier when you know what to do and what is likely triggering her in the environment.

And remember, you're in a forum full of people with this and other neurological differences. Some feel it is a gift, others a curse. Still others see it as simply a difference. Because of this, you may want to re-write this (re:tone) or just delete it and re-post it over in the Parent's Discussion forum. There's a lot of good people there who I'm sure share your frustrations and have many of the same experiences.

Otherwise, I'm afraid you may be in store for a wee bit of public evisceration here

-- Vip

i meant no disrespect to my stepdaughter or to anyone on the forum; just being honest and real.
the fact is you can take many AS kids and none will be the same. Her own therapists couldn't figure her
out; they just labeled her ADHD and that was it.

when she was young, i was the most nurturing person to her. today my wife blames me for it and says
that was a problem because now i'm being real with her and she doesn't like it so she's lashing out

but in reality, no one can deal with her

parents, relatives, schools system, day care, church

so if i'm a bit of the it's on the "curse" side, i can't be blamed. it's reality.

I would give everything i have and live in a box on the street if she could just realize that she needs
to work at it as much as we do. But she is clueless and once again, i don't mean to be cruel but she
realizes nothing, thinks she can do no wrong and everyone or everything around her is to blame.

Appreciate your words, and understand that you are speaking from your experience. There are things in what you say that belie an understanding of being on the spectrum that has holes and confusion. "Being real" (which is often counter to what seems to work best, which I find is clear communication) with her after years of being treated differently in and of itself would be cause for many affected to have problems. I'm glad you've found WP, and hope you find help that allows you both to connect better. Keep reading and learning, as I think you will begin to understand at least some of the barriers she faces through talking to others. There is also a kids area on here if that might be an avenue for her own understanding to develop.


M.

thank you for your words and guidance
god bless
kosta

Welcome to WP!

Thanks for explicitly stating that, kosta. For some of us (myself included) that is helpful to hear. The written word sometimes lends itself to misunderstanding.

Two parents here come to mind as great resources, if I might be so bold as to make a suggestion:

DW_a_mom is very helpful and understanding. She does a good job in bridging the gaps between AS and NT due to long experience and (seeming) never-ending patience.
Jimbeaux is a great resource for you in particular as he went through an identical issue (an NT who married into a relationship that came with an AS stepson, he had to learn a lot and make many adjustments). I bring him up in particular because he came here for advice too and, after getting a bit chewed up, came up with a solid strategy and plan including what to do and what NOT to do (for example, providing clear structure and determining that certain things could never be taken away as a punishment). I followed up with him a year later and he reported having great success with his family and with his son. Please search on and read his posts in particular, I think they would be very relevant to you.

All the best; I hope your whole family finds the peace and understanding you each need

Welcome. I hope you'll feel at home here.

Hi and Welcome to WP.

As others have said, you need to visit the parent's forum.

You may also get a lot out of reading my blog - since I've covered a lot of material from the aspie side of things (see my footer).

Also, you'll get the best results if you try to stick to one "problem" at a time.

Just post (in the parent's forum) the title of the issue (eg: "My 12 y.o. aspie daughter won't clean her room") and a brief description of what you have and haven't tried. You'll get lots of very specific responses.

You may also find that you get some responses from some younger aspies, some are helpful but many will criticise your parenting style. Try not to get fazed by this. Everyone parents differently and criticising the past won't change it. If you can learn from this, great... if not, ignore and do not engage assailants. I've seen a lot of parents start their time on WP with disagreements with younger members.

Hopefully, the best things you can take away from WP are;

1. Seeing things from your aspie's point of view... (sometimes that's all it takes)
2. Learning to pick your battles... some things aren't worth fighting with your child over... others are.
3. Opening better channels of communication between you and your daughter.

One thing that I will mention that has been thoroughly explored on WP, is the reduction of computer time. It works for NT (Neurotypical/Normal) children but it actually has negative effects on aspies. It's often not a good tactic to use.

Depending upon how safe you feel WP is (and how sensible about security your daughter is), you might also want to let your child post or read here. Sometimes connecting with other people on the spectrum helps them/us learn how to better communicate with non-aspies.

From reading your post, it sounded like your partner is aspie too. If that is the case, you may find that WP benefits both of you. (and your relationship in general).

Anyway, sorry for the long reply. Best of luck.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet community, kosta. Here's wishing you and your family all the best.

thanks for the kind words and encouragement

my wife isn't aspie, i know she's ADD and certain ocd issues but she's dealing with it

my stepdaughter though is exactly like her biological father, so i know for sure he has it. They can't get along because they are one in the same

To WrongPlanet!! !