I've never really signed up on this type of forum before but I thought I'd give it a try and am interested in meeting/interacting with others that deal with apsergers/autism etc. (I've never really met anyone with either of these before so I thought it would be a good experience).
Anyways a bit about me and my background: My name's Andrew, I'm 20 years old and from Canada, I've struggled with social anxiety/obsessive-compulsiveness/depression etc. for as far back as I can remember starting at the time when I was 7 years old or so and my parents had to pay me extra allowance money to make social interaction with friends etc. till I guess the present where I'm now a college student and am still very anti-social/have a tough time with social situations. During high school years I was very shy/quiet/wouldn't stand up for myself etc. and was bullied quite a bit/didn't have any friends etc.
I don't know whether it was from this or maybe was meant to be with having aspergers naturally but during these years I gradually became very obsessive in regards to my body/how physically strong/big I was as opposed to others, developed a self-hatred for anxiety/aspergers seeing it as the worse weakness in the world and slowly developed many views/ideologies etc. that helped me deal with others/the world around me.
By the time I was 16 years old I had been on medication for a couple years and quit school to go on home school. While my parents never thought this was a good idea and knew it would isolate me more at the time I still feel this was the best thing I could have ever done. At this point in time I had been fantasizing about shooting classmates who I felt socially awkward around/thought I was weird etc. and was just generally going further and further into a spiral of negativity and depression. As always had few to no friends, no gf etc. and a growing taste about topics such as serial killers, LaVey Satanism, music (which was always a love of mine since I was 13 or so). While completing grade 12 on home school I finally regained a bit of confidence back and did not have as much stress/anxiety as I would've still attending high school but nonetheless remained as obsessive as ever about needing to have power/insecurities about my body (although I ahd been weightlifting for quite a while and had made some progress at this point) and began suffering more and more from isolation/loneliness. I became very obsessive about high school years and have ever since found it impossible to put this behine me and just move on.
As I said before I am now 20 years old. I am in college but my life isn't going anywhere in terms of social contacts/progress etc and I still suffer from extreme depression/loneliness and just feel empty. These days I feel as though I'm just stuck and the only thing that keeps me alive these days are personal interests which include: Norse/Aryan mythology, philosophy (Friedrich Nietzsche especially), Odinism (a war against Judeo-christianity/other opposing forces), extreme metal, weightlifting, movies, WW2 Germany (although I dont agree with racial supremacy of any sort, just cultural preservation) etc etc.
Many of these things are indeed great interests/values of mine however at times some of the image is indeed due to insecurities... (example I want anyone i come in contact with to think I would be capable of church burnings/terrorist attacks etc. or what not, scared of me, that I'm born with no conscience etc.) I'm sure grandparents, family friends etc. are starting to think its weirder and weirder I dont have a gf/normal life etc and therefore this just gets more and more extreme and I need to up the ante and wonder if this will end/how it will go in the end...
I've always thought that anything in the world is better than people actually knowing the truth and that I have aspergers, and therefore in a way I really respect people out there who are open about this or whatnot because i know I never could be in a million years.
Anyways like I said I just came here because I'm at a loss lately and am just wondering what other aspergers victims are like... feel free to respond or to personal message me or whatnot, see you around.
20 Jan 2006, 12:09 pm
, you're fine. 
)
