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Joined: 9 Aug 2009
Age: 64
Gender: Female
Posts: 9

10 Aug 2009, 5:21 am

Oh, how do I start? My fiance has Asperger's Syndrome, although he denies it. For a long time, I knew something was different about him, but could not put my finger on it until I was able to read about AS. As a child, he had epilepsy and spent many days in the hospital. Relationships have not been easy for him. He can't stand loud noises, except for the music he plays, which he loves and can talk about for hours.

He has no outward signs of emotions, except for anger. He does love me, and he will say it when I tell him, and sometimes he says it without me telling him. I believe he's learned the appropriate response to that, LOL!

For me it's been a real battle because I was very hurt by the lack of empathy and his apparent self-centered behavior. But I found also that he has little comprehension as to what the "NT" response would be to situations. Although he's never let me down in major situations, the everyday lack of "Being There" is hard to take.

I'm not one to ask for what I need either emotionally or practically (i.e., taking out the trash), but I have found that hinting around, or relying on him to just "get it" or do it is not effective. I have to spell out exactly what I need and he will usually accommodate my wishes.

I love him very much, and am doing my best to deal with the situation, but it's so hard for me, and I wish I didn't have to do so much work in the relationship, but I do. He's worth it! There are heartaches on my part, but I am glad I figured out what was going on with him before I just decided to just ditch him. The realization that he has AS made me not take the things he "doesn't do" so personally, and realize that it's not a reflection on his degree of love for me.

Sorry for the long post, I'm really glad I've found this site and hope to get some affirmations/advice/feedback on my post. Our wedding date is Oct 10th! Thank you! Ameobia

peterd
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Dec 2006
Age: 72
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,351

10 Aug 2009, 5:31 am

There's a pretty good chance he'll be worth it, yes.

Does he know about Aspergers? Once you've constructed a universe in which what everyone says and does makes some sort of sense even though it doesn't, and when knowing about means acknowledging that a situation I still believe may work out is in fact hopeless, it can get a little hard to see the obvious.

Especially when someone one would really like to stay on the good side of is accusing one of something abhorrent. We learn from those playground bullies...

Ameobia
Butterfly

Joined: 9 Aug 2009
Age: 64
Gender: Female
Posts: 9

10 Aug 2009, 5:40 am

Well, he has been bullied a lot, been in fights over who knows what all through his life. He knows a little about AS because I told him about it, but he won't look at the details, and doesn't want to think it's "him" and blames all the other people for his inability to adapt or "get along" with others. I sometimes see his responses to people as inappropriate given the situation, but I don't correct him or tell him differently because I believe he will see it as non-supportive. I usually just ask questions and see if I can figure out what went on, but never tell him his responses were not the correct responses. It most likely cause a fight if I did.

Ameobia

Ameobia
Butterfly

Joined: 9 Aug 2009
Age: 64
Gender: Female
Posts: 9

10 Aug 2009, 5:56 am

I just realized I moved the dirty clothes hamper out of the corner where it is usually kept for his dirty clothing. I put it in the corner by the door. His clothes are in the corner where the hamper would normally be, laying on the floor instead of where the hamper is now. Is that laziness? I don't think so, it is a disruption in his routine, and when I saw that, it made me laugh! I'll move the hamper back to where it usually is in the corner and then I won't have the clothes in the floor issue. AS can be hilarious! Wow, I really love this guy!! ! Ameobia