Concerned Parent of Aspie

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I'm new to this site. I have a 12 year-old son. My son has been diagnosed with Aspergers and does have some apparent aspects of Asperger's along with ADD and is certainly socially and physically very clumsy. He speaks out of context at times, does not have a coherent string of sentences, cannot make eye contact, fixates on things to the point of being obnoxious at times, and suffers from a poor self-image and calls himself a "geek" likely due to his peers mocking him and calling him that. That said, he's very bright and has a great spirit and is a wonderful kid. I am concerned about his self-image and what the future has in store from him as he progresses into adolescence. Any perspective from those who've been there would be valuable and appreciated. thank you

- Concerned Dad.

welcome here!! !

enjoy your stay

Welcome to WP!

Hi reb - welcome to WP!

I can tell you that it gets better. I grew up with AS without knowing it (and without the benefit of "intervention," or cognitive behavior therapy - or any of the other things that parents can do today to make things better for their kids on the spectrum.) I don't even know if anyone noticed that I wasn't making eye contact (my family isn't big on eye contact) - but I noticed it, realized that it created difficulties for me in dealing with other people & learned to do it on my own (to a reasonable degree.)

I had friends (but not many), girlfriends (a couple for more than a year), became a successful musician, spent seven years in the Army (honorably discharged), retrained as a CAD drafter & got a good job in that field.

There are difficulties, however. Most of my friends have faded away over the years & I never got married. I'm trying to get more people in my life (since being diagnosed at the age of 50) - now that I know what has caused my social issues. I think I'm making good progress in dealing with those issues by addressing them within the context of my AS traits. Slow going, but I'm hopeful!

The things that have served me best in my life have been:
- Good Manners
- Good Grooming
- Skills & Abilities

These things will get a person far in this world.

zeichner has some great ideas in his post.

I have a 13 year old son who is diagnosed, and a 23 year old son who is undiagnosed, but probably would have been on the spectrum years ago (he's married and finishing up college right now).

We've done social skills classes in the past, that have been provided by the state. Those were good for a few years when he was younger, but we've moved on to other things -- acting classes, scouts, etc.

Some things that might be helpful:

1. Be vigilant about dressing your son stylishly. Stylish hair cut, stylish clothes. It's hard enough when our kids on the spectrum don't know how to socialize -- help them out a little by making sure they at least LOOK like they fit in. I've heard of many mothers who have children on the spectrum going to some stores like American Eagle, telling them a little about their son and their needs, and asking for help in picking out clothes that are trendier. I buy cheap versions of the expensive stuff by shopping on Ebay.

I've seen this sort of thing work in my son's favor. He had help shopping for new clothes -- his 17 year old sister came along -- and he got lots of positive input from his peers the next day at school.

2. Try hard to find some kind of "group" he can belong to at school. Band, technology club, language clubs, orchestra, something like that. This is often a struggle -- we haven't exactly found my son's group yet, but I still try. Boy Scouts has been good for my son.

3. We belong to a church -- that has turned out to be invaluable for learning social skills with a wide range of ages of people, and helps to be a "safe place to fall" for when my son tries out socializing and isn't quite successful.

4. Because of the clumsiness, and inability to follow rules of athletics, we have given up on sports. I am making an effort to teach my son the guitar, or drums, or something along those lines. My older son had the typical social inabilities, and knowing how to play guitar, sing, and be in a band really helped out a lot in high school. Music is a good alternative to not being able to be athletic.

I hope things go well for your son, and I hope that whatever we all write in as possible solutions is helpful as well.

Greetings, reb, and welcome to the Wrong Planet.

Great posts from zeichner & schleppenheimer.

Anyone old enough to have perspective on aspie life prospects grew up without the knowledge and awareness we have now, and a lot of us turned out fine. So your sons prospects are really good.

-Being a geek is a good thing. Plenty of positive role models now. That fixation problem can grow into productive focus.

-Internal vs. External. I agree that it is very important to maintain consistent, logical standards of manners, grooming, and social convention (too a degree). But also allow for his individuality as much as possible without it crossing the line.

-For me, the out-of-context and incoherent sentence issue was due to the combination of associational memory and different time sense. I would get distracted in the middle of a sentence by an associated thought, and changes subjects, but then I might finish the sentence days later with no warning. Fortunately, my Mom followed this pretty well. I've had some friends who did the same thing, and we're able to follow each other's threads.

-Sports or physical hobbies are important for therapy as well as health. I ran cross country, which is the perfect aspie sport. Now I play rugby, which is really challenging, and coach elementary school rugby. Check out the Positive Coaching Alliance, and look for programs that belong to it. They focus on each players effort, rather than how good they are, and don't tolerate any negativity, or teasing.

-Scouts was good for me, but a lot of troops allow bullying, so be selective.

-Make sure he has lots of information available, and access to grown-ups he can talk to about his interests.

Hope this helps. Welcome.

-duke

A bit of a contradiction, but celebrate his differences... over the years, I have found the more I accept my oddities the easier it is to face that which I desire or need to adapt and change. Being involved in music (especially percussion) helped me more than anything else during my adolescence - it gave me routine, practice, goals, interaction with others, a way to measure myself against others in an objective fashion, gave an 'excuse' for when I was stimming, and in general gave me a little more leeway to be myself... to wear pajamas to my classes, or go barefoot at school, or whatever the choice du jour was. Strangely enough, I could pay attention better when I could feel the carpet with my toes and had my flannel PJs on.


M.

Welcome Reb.

There are a few keys to the whole thing....

1. Acceptance
Great, you've got the label (your son has) and now it's time to move on. There's no point fighting the label or looking for a cure. You're stuck with it. Now... don't assume that the label sets limitations, it's simply a way of referring to a bunch of characteristics with a single word... sort of like calling an orange and "orange". Sure, it's probably that orangey colour, but it doesn't have to be. Some oranges are sweet, some are sour, not all are perfectly round etc... The label makes it easy to describe things. It doesn't set the boundaries but it does give you a good idea of where to look for strengths and weaknesses.

2. Special Interests (Obsessions)
You will start to notice that your son has certain obsessions, some are good, some are bad. Some will be lifelong while others will be transitory. Regardless, these obsessions are the driving force of the aspie. Find them, learn them and make good use of them. If your son is into computers, feed that obsession as best you can with programming and graphics packages. If your son is into Star Wars, then get him to write stories about it, act out scenes, calculate the surface area of AT AT's etc... The special interest is the key to getting your son interested in schoolwork... and it's the key to his future employment.

3. Positivity
Your son is going to be exposed to all manner of negative viewpoints. You need to keep him positive. There's a book called "Different Like Me: My Book of Autism Heroes" (see url:
http://www.amazon.com/Different-Like-Me-Autism-Heroes/dp/1843108151). This book will help you and your son to realise how important aspies are to the world. Most of the major breakthroughs in history have been a result of the aspie ability to see things differently. You can help your son by pointing out times when he's thinking outside the box.

4. Practice
You don't need your son to "become" a neurotypical person but he does need to be able to fit into society in order to succeed. Some acting practice is therefore in order. Whenever possible, you should give him opportunities to socialise and if you witness a social issue - don't jump in and correct it but talk to your son gently after the event. In particular, concentrate on empathy and sharing. Aspies tend to hog conversations without realising that they're boring people to tears. One great way to get in a lot of social practice while under the watchful eyes of parents is for your son to join Scouts. If you want to be able to watch him, you might consider becoming a leader. If so, I'd recommend that you do it at cubs level because they become much more independent as they get older.

Understanding
Your son will need your understanding and help in growing up. He is going to have meltdowns and he's going to have lots of other issues. He needs to know that you'll always be there and that you'll always listen to him - even though sometimes what he wants to talk about might be distasteful.

I guess what I'm saying is that there are some things that you can do to make his life better and to increase his chances. You're probably already doing most of these things anyway. If you want more advice or you have direct questions, feel free to PM me or take a browse through my blog (footer). I'm aspie and so are my kids and I'll often talk about how things feel from the inside-out. Sometimes it helps to have that knowledge.

Good luck.

Welcome to WP, Reb I say you should check out the parenting part of the forum. Great place to ask questions and get to know other parents who have kids in similar situations. My son is also an Aspie (he'll be 11 soon) and I'm an Aspie myself.

Howdy and welcome to WP

What's wrong with being a geek? It's a badge of honour, worn with pride; a label for those who can make their VCR work without reading the manual, those everyone wants as friends when their computer breaks, those who like getting gadgets more than getting drunk. Geek is good - relax and enjoy it.

And remember - the geek shall inherit the Earth.