War Weary Battle Axe

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Hello Everyone,

I am a 52 year old computer programmer. I have fought this thing that shackles me and am in another weary spell. Hope springs eternal but the despair of futility is always lurking. My current job is precisely the enumerated fiftieth. I suppose it will survive but the precipice is always near. I have been ditch digger, hog hauler, restaurant manager, accounts collector, military electronic countermeasures, railroad tower operator, factory worker, hazardous materials transporter, engineering student, salesman, landscaper, heavy equipment operator, construction crew, route delivery, electronics franchise owner, religious radio DJ, male secretary, motorcycle stunt rider, business student and more. The turnover rate is much lower now yet every day is fraught with apprehension of saying inappropriate things with misunderstood tone and facial expression and earning disproving looks.

My current wife is my third and there is nothing left there. I am the oddball Aspie that desperately craves the touch of affection and gets none. All is naught but discord or stony silence. I have four grown sons whom were hurt because I was at my worst when they needed me most. There is some rebounding social amicability there now but I see them and my granddaughters rarely.

I have been in these throes since the six year old me discovered he could not fathom what the other children were doing on the playground or how to participate. The ten year old me that ran and hid from a birthday party my mother tried to hold for me knew that very day that some hermitage was the inevitable outcome.

Yet there is a part of me that wants to be immersed with people, that always tries to be outgoing and adventuresome. Other than low moments like this, I find humor in most everything. Unfortunately, it is lost on all but some fellow engineering types.

Alas. Pardon me my dark mood. Yet the solace of unloading on understanding people is loosening my chest as I type and I may sleep yet tonight.

Greetings and thank you for being here.

RandyJoe

Hi and welcome to wrongplanet. I understand what you are feeling and have sympathy for you. My life is up and down like a yoyo. I am not very employable and not very marryable. I read your posts about loving the touch of a woman and I am the same there too.

Welcome to Wrong Planet- I don't speak Engineer, but my father was one and I am familiar with your strange ways.

sorry-engineer just jumped out at me-hyperlexic

Hello. Verbosity is the soul of wit..................

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, RandyJoe.

Thanks to all of you for your welcome.

I participated somewhat in another Aspie board a few years ago. Yours is the first post I've seen that expressly mentions as much similarity with my own experiences. You have my sympathy as well.

Okay. I've gotten that feeling sorry for myself off my chest, at least for awhile. Damnit. What I really need at the moment is a friend who will ignore my strangeness and hoist a beer with me. I haven't done that for a long time either. Where's the local Aspie Pub around here?

Thanks RandyJoe,
Cheers, I would have a beer with you anytime. I don't know where the nearest Aussie pub would be to you except for Australia

I find that marriage is okay in moderation, two did it for me.
Welcome to the forum.

To WrongPlanet!! !