Hello Wrong Planet -
I've been lurking around this site for several weeks, and finally decided to introduce myself.
Firstly, I'm here b/c I suspect I might have AS, and I suspect it strongly enough to have seen my GP and ask for a referral for a diagnosis. That was a month ago, so I am presently waiting for word on what the next step may be.
In the past few months, I have come to strongly suspect that I might have AS. Before then, I knew nothing/next to nothing about it. More or less is was following the Gary McKinnon story and finally asking 'what the heck is this Asperger's?' I looked it up. I was a bit stunned to find that, for the most part, the criteria describe me. At least my perception of myself.
My childhood was spent a bit disconnected, moving around a lot b/c of my father's job. I have been accused my whole life of being 'aloof' and 'detached' and constantly asked 'what's wrong?' because I seem to generally have either a very sour or intensely thoughtful look on my face - no matter what is going on in my head. I was bullied constantly in school, was terribly awkward and clumsy, crap at sports, any sport, and had a terrible time making friends and more especially with the opposite sex.
I always attributed these failings to my upbringing, the fact that my background has been in flux my entire life. I thought I just had minor psychological issues with attachment and closeness to other people because of this. I attributed my being bullied to always being the new kid in town.
Growing up, I just decided this was the way I was, and did my best to get on with things. I became an artist and pursued relationships, which usually failed. As an artist I am immensely talented but my disinterest in 'playing the game' has definitely held me back.
My family and friends more or less accept me as 'eccentric.' But we all wonder, especially me, why I have such problems moving forward in the world. In school, I would alternately do really well or really poorly, depending on where in the world we were. Any failures at school were always attributed to my 'laziness,' because my family couldn't see how someone with an above average IQ could have such difficulty UNLESS they were lazy.
Anyway, I accepted all this as my life. I found a wonderful woman and we have been married for five years. We have a beautiful child. We are fairly happy, though like most people in the world beset by difficulties here and there, but we try to see past that stuff and live in happiness. More or less, I was fairly happy with myself.
Two years ago all that changed abruptly, weeks before our son was born. I was assaulted and robbed on the way home from work on a Sunday evening. I was beat up pretty badly, there was additional stress as this happened right before our baby was due and with all the stress of everything I had a nervous breakdown. A really, really good one.
I've been in therapy on and off since then, but the fact is that I developed PTSD, and it totally, totally messed what was good in my life (outside my family). I have found myself in difficulty getting 'back to normal,' even two years later.
For a long time, I've been asking myself 'why did this effect me so terribly?' It's reasonable to have PTSD after you've been assaulted, certainly, but two years later I can't get out of this.
After learning about AS, what I think has happened is that I have had it all this time and never knew it. What the assault did was break down all the coping mechanisms I had built up over my lifetime. I don't really know how best to say it. But learning about AS, I suddenly felt as if I'd finally seen the answer. ALL my bizarre behaviour from my entire life could make sense with a diagnosis. The complete disruption I experienced after being beat up as well. I don't know, perhaps I am fooling myself, which is a real concern for me. Perhaps I have read this stuff about AS and subconsciously decided 'I have this.' But very little in my life has ever made quite as much sense as the possibility that I may have AS. What I know for certain is right now I have nobody to talk to about it. My wife is a bit disturbed at the idea, and from the reactions I have got from trying to talk about it with a few friends have been discouraging. I probably won't bring it up again until I get a diagnosis, if I get one.
I could go on about more traits that I have that make me so sure I fit into the spectrum, but I doubt that would be much fun for anybody. Let's just say:
No visual or social imagination
Clumsy and awkward
No good reading social cues, embarrass myself on the phone and in person all the time
Can't handle busy environments, or noisy places (going to see a concert, film, or show are all very unpleasant for me)
Iffy hygiene
Been accused of having a bizarre facial expression and asked 'what's wrong' every day of my life.
Even in KINDERGARTEN I was singled out by my 'teacher' for 'daydreaming.' (WTF???)
Gullible as hell, and in trouble on and off most of my life for it
Before I married, I had a tendency to stalk the women I was close with - that is to say I didn't understand boundaries, etc
Loads of obsessive topics that nobody derives any pleasure from but myself
One sided conversations (see above)
Good writing skills, but TERRIBLE when it comes to talking. Embarrassing.
and there's more, but I'm in such a mental muddle I won't go any further. I'd be happy to answer any questions if anyone reading this seeks further clarity, however, so don't hesitate to ask...
A reason I think it took this long to discover this is that I decided at age 14 I wanted to be an artist when I grew up (at age 36, I am still growing up). Artists are always regarded as eccentric, and usually tolerated. I happen to be very good so I think the people in my sphere just accepted I was brilliant and weird, or 'trying to be weird' (I'm weirder when I try NOT to be weird!) My closest friends were always artistically inclined (the whole spectrum of the arts, writing, performing, music, et. al.) and so were the few women I dated, so they were always supportive. I have been lucky in that. But I think that this, along with me and my friends' tendency to blame any shortcoming in my character on the many moves I had in childhood, has been what has kept this concealed from me. It was only after being assaulted that I started to ask serious questions about how my mind works and why.
That's all I can bear to put in writing now. I am partly ashamed of myself for even considering that I might be on the autistic spectrum. I've grown up always accepting that I was wrong about everything, that I was lazy, and even NOW while I am seriously trying to investigate this I am partly telling myself that I am just looking for excuses, that, as always, I'm just being stupid. I went through a terrible guilt trip (self-inflicted) after seeing my GP to ask fora referral. HOW DARE I bother these people with this fantasy, I kept - and keep - asking myself.
So that's that, a basic introduction to why I have been lurking about this forum for some time, and why I have finally decided to 'de-lurk.'
I promise I am generally a more cheery fellow.
Thanks for your time, thanks for this wonderful site. I'll be lurking still, but trying to post more and get to know this community while I wait on pins and needles for the next step towards diagnosis (or not!).
Ciao amigos -- JJ
21 Aug 2009, 8:16 am
