Hi, I'm new...no, not really

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Hi, I am Simon. I actually posted on this form a few times before, but I have not yet introduced myself, so I want to make up for that.

I am male, a software developer and fulfill several other cliché criteria for the typical Aspie. Unlike many others, I did not learn about Asperger's from the famous Wired Article, but from Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures. I had picked it up purely because the title reminded me of my own style of learning. I didn't know anything about Autism before. Many things she described echoed with me, so I started to suspect I had something similar. I certainly am not as affected by autism as Temple Grandin or any of the well known Aspies like Daniel Tammet or John E. Robison. I have neither savant abilities nor an obsessive special interest that fulfills me. I can even appear to fit in in most social situations. But it is conscious, tiring work. I almost never enjoy it and I feel like I am faking everything. When my social batteries are depleted and I cannot retreat to solitude, my awkwardness comes through. Not that I didn't make social gaffes in my full-battery, full-fake mode; they still happen. I usually realize them hours afterwards and need a day to get over them emotionally. But they have become rarer over the years.

There are people with Asperger's Syndrome who are happy. I don't know for sure whether I have Asperger's, but I do know that I am not happy. There have been a few moments in my life in which I have glimpsed what it would be like to be happy. The emotions were not happiness itself but more the promise of happiness. It's a bit like the famous experiment with the rats that got an electrode implanted into their brain. They kept activating the electrode by frantically pressing a lever connected to it again and again, until they dropped dead from exhaustion. Scientists thought the electrode stimulated the reward center of the brain, flooding the rats' minds with pure pleasure. But recent findings showed the rats were not experiencing pleasure. Instead, the electrode made them feel like something very exciting was about to happen. The rats were not pounding the lever to stay in paradise; they were pounding it to chase a Fata Morgana.

I suspect evolution uses Fata Morganas to get humans to do what is good for genes. People like me, who are lonely but do not connect emotionally to other people, feel a great longing for a fulfilling relationship. We think if we were normal and could find someone, it would be pure bliss. But when I look at the relationships of other, normal, people, they do not seem to be overly happy. They certainly do not experience the fantastic emotions I had a glimpse of. They do not feel the longing I feel not because they have reached paradise, but because there is no Fata Morgana dangling in front of them. So I am unhappy, but I do not think the normal state for human beings is to be happy; it is just to not be unhappy.

I hope that further knowledge about what makes the Asperger brain different can help people like me move towards normality in terms of happiness. Perhaps we can even overshoot, becoming happier than evolution intended us to be as vehicles of genes. I am currently most excited about Henry Markram's brain simulation project and Casanova's microcolum theory. There is no quick cure in sight, but if we know the nature of the differences, it might be possible to compensate with the help of medicine or technology. I explore my own perception on my homepage, because I believe that even high-level Aspie typical traits like social difficulties are caused by basic differences in information processing. I am glad I found this community of people interested in Asperger's. I hope we can help each other make our life better. Or at least we can have some nice chats

Simon

Welcome to WP!

Hello Garriond, welcome to WrongPlanet!

What you're talking about, when you say you've only glimpsed what it'd mean to be happy, is usually called 'joy'. It's deeper than happy &, if you try to analyze it, it does disappear! Read enough books about it & they may help with that. Not that I'm claiming I'm usually joyful but I've had moments of it. Very difficult to describe!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hi, you sound very interesting. I hope you stick around.

Greetings, and welcome aboard the Wrong Planet, Simon.

Thanks for your warm welcome everybody!

BruceCM: I wasn't aware of the distinction between joy and happiness. I will look into it. Thanks!

Simon


P.S.: I just noticed the blog redirect does not seem to work. The blog I was talking about is actually not on WrongPlanet but at garriond.co.cc

That's OK! Glad to help. Emotions & feelings are an incredibly complex subject!