I want to apologize ahead of time because this will most definitely be a novel. I am typically a girl of very few words or a flood of words that don't make sense, until you give me a pen (or a keyboard.) Then, I come to life. To be honest, I had never heard of Asperger's until a week or so ago when I just happened to stumble upon it. I have been an outsider my entire life, and when I was a little girl I actually thought I was an alien. (Imagine my surprise when I first laid eyes on this website's mascot!) Some of this is hard to admit, but I am falling into a deep depression because I feel utterly alone and like a failure in most areas of my life, and I think this solves a life long identity crisis.
When I was a baby I rarely cried. As a toddler, I would line everything up, my toys, shoes, flower pots, anything I could get my tiny hands on. I could keep myself occupied for hours without needing anyone's attention. I was perfectly content in my own little world. I would also do strange things like sit in our dog's water bowl and eat dog food, even though I was and still am a very picky eater (I don't eat dog food anymore, promise). My vocabulary was always incredibly extensive for my age, and when I was in first grade I was accepted into the school's enrichment program. I was also terribly shy, and had just one real friend that I clung to like a life raft. (She is still my best friend to this day.) Unfortunately, at the end of my 5th grade year, my family moved to a different city. Without my life raft, I crumbled. I was immediately labeled an outcast because of my awkward appearance and actions, and the children made sure I knew it at all times. The summer into my 7th grade year I grew out of my awkward looks and was surprised when people described me as being "pretty." We moved again before my 9th grade year, this time to one of the biggest and best schools in my state. My mom expected me to thrive with all of the amazing opportunities the school had to offer, but I did the opposite. I started making D's and even failed a couple classes. I made 100% on all of the tests because of my excellent memorization skills, but spent the rest of the time doodling, daydreaming, and making lots of random lists instead of doing classwork. Almost every teacher I had in high school pulled me aside to tell me that I was both one of the best and one of the worst students they ever had. They said I lacked focus and motivation, and I could go very far if I only learned how to apply myself and my intelligence. Sadly, I never did learn. I barely met the requirements for graduating, despite my high ACT scores. I could have gone to a state college based on those scores alone, but instead I opted to go to a community college close to home where I'm still barely scraping by to this day.
I was absolutely terrified of driving and would have massive anxiety attacks after being behind the wheel for only a few minutes because I was so overwhelmed. Finally, after 4 years, I got my license. I have been driving for a year now and I am actually a very good driver, with a few exceptions. I've found that I tend to drive on autopilot, doing it all by memory. If I don't know where I'm going I become exceedingly anxious, and I sometimes have to pull over to calm myself down. I also avoid driving at night as much as possible. My eyes are very sensitive to the lights, and because of this, I find it very difficult to focus on the road sometimes. I also have a problem judging spatial distances and tend to run into a lot of curbs.
I am constantly moving. I am always either jiggling my legs, tapping my feet, snapping my fingers, or running my fingers through my hair. I cannot go to sleep unless I rub my feet together or rock myself to sleep. When I'm anxious or upset I flap my hands and pace around. When something makes me happy, I flap my arms and jump up and down. I also get random bursts of energy and run and jump through the air for no reason. I learned early on to overcome my strangest urges in public, but when I'm alone or with my family they come out full force. I also (this is gross) sweat a lot, but only on my head and face. I cannot stand the heat or humidity. I cannot stand the cold either. I am extremely sensitive to pain, touch, smells, bright lights, and sounds. When I complain of this to my mom, she calls me a "drama queen." I am also the only left handed person in my family. I catch myself, more often than I'd like to admit, watching ceiling fans spin and attempting to follow one of the blades around and around until my eyes hurt. I am very clumsy as well. I prefer to walk on my tippy toes and my ankles give out on me often, which causes me to fall down. I also run into everything, and I always have bruises all over my body. Right now I can count 7, along with a huge scratch on my shoulder from tripping into one of the sharp corners of my dresser yesterday. I have a freakishly good memory. Once, at church camp, there was a competition to see who could memorize the most out of the bible. I won. Most kids memorized a few verses. The person who won second place memorized a few paragraphs. I memorized 3 entire chapters, to the shock and surprise of everyone. I have often been told that I'm a genius with absolutely no common sense. I am also very gullible and take things literally. Once, when I asked someone where a fork was and they said it was under the microwave, I actually picked the microwave up and looked underneath it! I embarrass myself all the time.
My personal hygiene has never been what it should be. When I was little I never brushed my hair because of how sensitive my head was. During my teen years, my mom would constantly have to remind me to wash my hair and brush my teeth. I was actually grounded a couple of times for not bathing. As a young adult, I find myself struggling with the simplest tasks. I never learned how to blow my nose properly, I know that sounds weird but I just don't "get it." I either put on way too much deodorant or forget about it entirely. Unless I focus on slowing down, I brush my hair and shave my legs way too fast. I also eat and drink entirely too fast (when I remember to eat) and have a lot of stomach problems. And I HATE getting my hair cut and haven't had it done in almost 5 years. I look the same every single day. I wear my hair the same, wear the same makeup and jewelry, and tend to wear the same clothes over and over. I also have trouble with my emotions. Sometimes I feel nothing. Other times, I literally feel everything at once. I can laugh and cry at the same time because I can truly be both happy and sad at that moment. Sometimes, I cry when I'm happy and laugh when I'm sad or angry. I can talk about some pretty traumatizing events in my life like they're nothing and not get emotional at all, but then burst into tears whenever I see roadkill.
I am always losing things, and sometimes, I think I've lost something when really it was in my hand the entire time! I am very disorganized in some areas and perfectly organized in others. I lose track of time a lot because I tend to live inside of my head rather than in the real world. I become completely obsessed with things and even people sometimes. I have always had an obsession for words and animals. I find myself crying more often when animals die in movies than when people do. When my grandparents (who are my world) hug me or tell me they love me, I feel awkward and have to fight the urge to cringe away, even though I love them more than anything. I hate receiving presents because I never know what to do, even if it's something I really like. I also don't know how to smile. I mean, really... look at my picture, THAT is my definition of a smile. I have also had problems falling asleep ever since I was a little girl because I can never quiet my racing thoughts. I have sleep paralysis when I'm under a lot of stress and it can be very frightening sometimes: I can't move my body, but my eyes are frozen open, and I sometimes hallucinate or hear noises that aren't there. I have told my mom about all of this before, and she quickly changes the subject or tells me there isn't anything wrong with me. The only person I can truly confide in is my little brother, who has experienced a lot of the same things I have. He has very violent outbursts though and when he was in the 4th grade he ran into the street and tried to get hit by a car after some kids were teasing him on the playground. He went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with a "learning disability." That's all the information my mom will give us. I have violent outbursts as well, but they are usually privately inflicted on myself. I have thrown some pretty wild tantrums before though, and my mom has actually used the term "melt down" to describe them.
When I was 17, I started drinking a lot because when I was drunk, it was okay if I said the wrong thing or fell down or moved around funny. It also helped to ease my extreme social anxiety. I recently decided that I'm tired of using alcohol as a crutch, but I just don't know how to be around people when I'm sober. I tend to just imitate everything I see and copy other girls who I want to be like, which makes me feel like a fraud. People want to like me because I look normal, but I am constantly thrown away once my true nature comes out. Guys are often attracted to me, but soon realize there is something "off" about me and move on. I also have a hard time saying no to things because I'm afraid of making people mad, and I am taken advantage of quite a bit because of this. Over the years I have developed a depressingly low self esteem. I upset myself all the time and wonder why I can't act like everyone else. I try to talk to my family about it, but they shrug it off and say that everyone is unique and everyone feels the way I do sometimes. When I say I have problems concentrating or remembering the simplest things, my mom tells me I'm just lazy and looking for an easy way out because I don't want to grow up. Why would I do that though? I honestly want to succeed in life and I am a very bright girl with all the tools in order to do so, but no idea of how to use them. And as much as I have let my family down, I have let myself down more.
I have no clue what to do with myself. I am 21 years old now and still act like a little kid sometimes. I still sleep with a stuffed bunny I've had ever since I was a baby and probably always will. I love parks and playgrounds and the zoo. I also love art museums and poetry readings and studying philosophy. I feel like a walking, talking contradiction most of the time, like I'm two people wrapped up into one, and I think I might be slowly losing my mind. It doesn't help much that my best friend got married last month and moved out of state. I became so depressed that I quit my job and dropped out of my classes. I called and made an appointment with a psychiatrist in a couple weeks. I am terrified they are going to think I'm crazy. My mom keeps telling me I don't need to go because I'm fine and just need to learn how to grow up and act my age, but I know I'm not fine and I really need help. Once again, I'm sorry this is so long. I have a tendency to over-do things when I'm nervous, and this took me over 3 hours to write, and I have probably read it at least 50 times. I am very nervous right now because I am worried that I probably won't fit in here either. If any of you actually read all of this, thank you so much for your time.
24 Sep 2009, 12:59 pm
