I'm new here so I figured introducing myself would be a good place to start. My name is Chris and I'm 30 years old. To be honest I have no idea if Im an aspie or not. I've never felt "normal". I've always felt that I've lived life more in my own head than in the outside world. Throughout life making friends hasn't been the easiest thing in the world but not the hardest either. Now keeping them, that's the hard part. I tend to be a loner, sometimes by choice sometimes not. I think I've lost most of my friends because I tend to isolate myself, which can get very depressing. Its like the catch 22 of my life, when I'm around people I'd rather be by myself, when I'm by myself I get depressed because I'm not around people. This takes a tole on my "romantic" relationships too. Over time I find myself accidentally pushing the other person away. I don't even realize it until its too late.
My family has a history of autistic traits, some worse than others. My niece got the worst of it, she's just barely functional and will never have an independent life...so I know all in all I guess life could be a lot worse. Like I said above, I've never been diagnosed with AS, as a kid my parents wouldnt take us kids to the doctor unless there was a life threatening illness so I never got the chance to be diagnosed with anything. As of last October, a year ago, I lost my job which means I also no longer have health insurance. This means I can't even afford to get a professional opinion. Over the years I've always wondered what exactly was wrong with me so I've read up on a lot of different conditions, none seemed to really apply to me. I know, self diagnosis is probably pretty foolish but its all I have. I seem to fit almost every trait of AS that I've read about which is what brought me here. The only thing I can't really relate to with AS is humor. I've read that AS people dont really get humor, is this true? I know funny when I see it and I've been told I can be pretty funny at times myself. Maybe I can get a little diagnositc help help from you guys/girls.
Here are the traits I see in myself:
*I have a hard time reading people, not all the time but I don't pick up on subtle hints..at all!
*I tend to be a loner.
*I'm more comfortable living life in my own head than in the outside world.
*When I pick up a hobby or activity that interests me I tend to get a narrow focus and go overboard.
*I tend to suffer from depression and at time suicidal thoughts. I honestly don't think I'd ever commit suicide but the thought of it can scarily dominate my thoughts at times.
*I have social anxiety problems.
*When stressed I catch myself having, well uh weird movements, not a tick but like maybe I blink a lot or move my head back and forth. (8th grade I got the nickname of blinky) Of course I can control these things but I may not notice I'm even doing them. My last girlfriend always commented on how I would hold my thumbs inside my fist, I never even knew I did that.
I've probably missed quite a bit but that's what is on my mind right now.
Here are the traits that dont seem to apply:
*I understand things like humor and irony.
*I'm not clumsy and have always thought of myself as somewhat athletic. Although it did take me until I was about 9 or 10 to learn how to ride a bike. My parents always made me do all kinds of sports as a kid so maybe that helped me gain some coordination. I've never been the star of the team, in fact I was always more towards the bottom but I've always been a little better at sports than the average person.
So what do you think? Am I a possible aspie or do I need to keep searching? Maybe I'm just an abnormal person with a normal mind, I dunno.
I don't know if this has any relevance or not but I've always been very interested in science and art. I excelled at both in school. I love to draw and I've been approached by people many times wanting me to design tattoos for them. I only did it once, for my ex-girlfriend. Now she has a huge tattoo that I designed...along with my name on the back of her neck...and now we are no longer together. This is why I no longer do any artwork for anybody but myself. Both my brother and sister seemed to turn out completely normal. They are both married and have children. I can't even keep a relationship going.
For anyone who bothers to read this far down, thanks for putting up with my ramblings.
17 Oct 2009, 7:45 pm
