Do i have AS? I really need to know what wrong with me

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Hi to everyone out there

I am new to this forum and would like to introduce myself and talk to you all about my problem

My name is San. I am 43 years old, and work as an IT analyst

I recently started looking into the possiblilty that i may have AS. I have been a long suffer of social anxiety and for most of my adult life i have been trying find a cure for my problem. I have seen numerous analysts and therapist but to date i have not found that elusive "cure" for my probelm

In the last few months i have begun to notice that i have other psychological traits that have led me to the conclusion that i may be autistic. I used to think that these traits were just my quirky nature but in the last couple of days after investigating AS on the net, i have found that i have many similarities with other AS sufferers. I will list them here

1. I find social situations and socialising extreemly difficult, creating anxiety and fear whenever i'm in the company of others. I have only a few friends, most have given up on me. The few that are around think i'm an eccentric or just a nerdy geek.
2. I find conversation confusing and find it difficult to understand whats going on
3. I find it difficult to visualise any material that i read and when reading, words seem to move about on the page
4. I have difficulty hearing whats being said to me and constantly have to ask people to repeat themselves..so much so that i now wear a hearing aids but i still have trouble and often end up lip reading or guessing whats being said.
5. I spend hours on end deeply engrossed in subjects that interest me sometimes staying up all night even though i have to be at work in the morning then being totally unproductive during the day.
6. when i'm stressed i have repetetive thoughts that completey flood my mind to exclusion of almost everything else always a lyric from a song
7. I have trouble with food in the sense that i think its dirty and will feel that i will be contaminated if i touch it - even when its washed this applies to meats fruit and veg, once i open food packaging and cook what i need i end up throwing away the rest because i feel that its somehow been contaminated with bacteria in the air.
8. I feel a distinct lack of emotional empathy, its hard to explain it...i can only give examples...when i see people hug i cannot understand why they hug...i know why they do it but i cant feel what they feel. If someone hugs me i feel nothing but awkardsness. At funerals i feel the same and think that i must be somehow missing something.

9. I have difficulty remembering numbers expecially phone numbers..when at work often get these wrong even when its repeated, sometimes getting them back to front

10. As a child i was into astronomy, ornithology, electronics, meteorology, entomology...when i say into i mean deeply into. To the amazement of my familiy. For example, I found a way of writing down bird song into a form of shorthand and i proceeded to log every birds call, i could recognise any bird by its call or sillouette in the sky. I built refractor telecopes and reflector telescopes striving for higher and higher magnification, tried to predict the weather evryday listening to and noting down weather fronts from the shipping forcasts that was broadcast on radio every evening. I built electronic devices amplifiers, digtal samplers, paramtric equalisers. I loved physics and maths and would watch open university programs about calculus and algebra. I became obsessed with Pi, root 2 and prime numbers. I wrote ever larger computer programs to predict the probability of events using probability equations. This was all between the age of 8 - 16

I noticed i was different when i was about 11 or 12. My peers began to shun me and thats when the social aniexty started. They were severe panic attacks that really hamperd my schooling and the rest of my life, by the end of my school years i was regularly skipping school. I left with no qualifications. This led to me feeling a great sense of failure and underachievement thats still with me to this day.

I seem to only be able to function well when i'm alone..at work i feel overwhelmed with sounds and sensory input. I have learned to mask the symptoms of my anxiety and can look completely at ease but on the inside i'm always on edge. When i settle into a routine i feel less stress and can be productiive but a change in my routine or enviroment creates turmoil. My boss recently moved my seating position...insignificant for most but for me this was a major change it took months for me to get used to it.

The reason why wrote this post is because think i have been looking in the wrong place for answers all these years, and that my social anxiety and panic attacks are symptoms of a much larger problem.

I could go on with more but i think i have said enough.

Please give me some constructive advice...in a way i hope that i do have AS because it will give me a sense of who i am and belonging. I will no longer feel that i am a misfit, square peg etc etc...

Thanks you for reading and hope i get some answers.

Welcome to WP!

Greetings and welcome to you.

There are traits you listed that I can relate to. There are traits you listed that others here will relate to. Does that mean you have aspergers? I do not know. I am not a professional. I dislike telling people that they do or do not seem to fall on the spectrum due to that.

There are people who self diagnose and find themselves more than content with that. Really, most of them know more about aspergers (especially in adults) than most of the professionals that we have easy access to. Then there are others who need more than a self diagnosis for whatever reason and seek out professionals who do (hopefully) know about autism and can help us find the answers we need. I would recommend finding a professional, but then I am one of those who needed that confirmation even though every part of me made sense once I took to looking into aspergers. It was funny, I went to a therapist for something else and she brought aspergers to my attention. So often the issues we have seem to be other things that do not fit... seem to have treatments that do not work... Your mention of 'that elusive "cure" for my problem', made me nod... I can relate to that as well. But yeah, you might consider going to see someone... make a list to take with you of why you think this diagnosis seems to fit and go from there. You seem to want a definite answer (sorry if I misunderstand... understanding is a thing I do not always do well) and a professional diagnosis is, in my opinion, a good way to get one.

This forum is a good place to look through. You can find helpful information, stories and situations that give unique insight. Suddenly discovering aspergers is a weird experience. You will find yourself here in the company of a lot of people who can truly appreciate that. Again, welcome.

Welcome greetings, fellow-traveler San, to the WP neighborhood.

San,

Not to be a wet blanket or anything, but if you're looking for a cure, you should hope you don't have AS, 'cause there isn't one. No cure, no effective treatment (though there are meds for the associated anxieties and depression, but personally, I avoid them).

On the other hand, as you may be noting already, just realizing that the differences that make you feel alienated from the mainstream actually have a name - that they're caused by an atypical function within your brain, not just 'bad luck' or 'geekiness', and that you're not the only one experiencing these frustrations and stresses - that knowledge in itself can be a tremendous relief after a lifetime of internal isolation in a mind that views the entire world slightly askew from what almost everyone else seems to be seeing.

That epiphany may not be a cure, but it sure does feel good to discover that there is at least one group in the world to which you actually belong - and this is it.

Welcome.

Hi San,

I think that as you navigate this site, you will find that there are a wide range of people here, some of whom present characteristics in common with you, and others who don't. But the key message is that while your circumstances might be atypical, perhaps they are not unique (except in so far as you are, like all of us, unique).

That being said, I have read nothing in your post about whether or not you are seeking help for coping with your circumstances. Personally, I have a family medicine physician, a neurologist (I present TS as well as AS) and a clinical psychologist, each of whom helps me in different ways.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Thanks for your replies,

I have been going to weekly councelling sessions. I have seen many over the years but this one tells me that the methodolgy and approach is different, which I have found to be true. The process attempts to treat the whole body and mind, and attempts to move away from the clinical. Trying AGAIN was difficult at first but I have been seeing her for about 11 months and I am no closer to a solution to my social anxiety. I struggle at times to adhere to the diet's and water intake that she has put me on and feel as though this is just another futile attempt but i've stuck at it with a dogged determination to fix myself...It was through this process that led me to AS and although it flies in the face of what she is trying to do for me I feel that I have to explore it because it feels like home. I could be wrong of course but deep down I really dont think I am.

I have read in other forums that getting a GP to refer an adult for diagnosis is near impossible. If that is the case then I will have to think about other avenues, which could prove costly but that is something I will consider when the time comes.

The confusion that I am feeling stems from the fact that the traits I have now are not the same as those that I had as a child, or teen. Where I used to take every joke and comment about me very literally i can now laugh but there is a sore spot inside that does not laugh. I have learned the nuances of body language over time but still struggle to make conversations often saying things that are completely wrong, looking stupid or offensive when not meaning to at all. As a child I could take on any subject matter and completely engross myself in it...but now i sometimes wonder to myself where is that beautiful mind, and I answer.....beaten down and crushed.

My peers at work dont know me...they cant. I have a persona that comes across as not bothered, laid back or aloof but its not the real me just my way of coping with what I have and In my quest for a "cure" I have become obsessive about the mental gynastics of NLP, self hypnosis, CBT and other mind games, THIS has become my obsession. I can talk about them for hours on end only no-one wants to hear it....only me.

What do I do now? I will continue to investigate this because it is where my mind has led me and i will see through to it's conclusion.

Thanks again for you posts I really do appreciate every comment that has been made so far.