Probable AS and depressed about it all

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I've browsed here on and off as I've suspected I have AS for a few months now, but only joined tonight. I'm in a real funk this evening, so I apologize if my post is not very coherent.

I am a 32 year old female, in a small town with few resources -- especially for adults with AS.

My history is one of seeking for answers about my inner turmoil I've suffered as long as I can recall. Always stressed out, uptight, freaking about things that don't bother other people, then getting more stressed out because I don't want to freak out about things that don't bother other people and soon I hate myself for being unable to control it and feeling "crazy".

In college, I was DX as OCD. Spent time as a part-time inpatient in a large mental health facility on the east coast for treatment. It felt like it was sort of what was wrong with me, but not entirely right. But I had meds that helped and learned some CBT techniques to alleviate some of my issues. Life went on.

Now I have three children, and one of them has always been "off" per se. I was seeking early intervention for him, and he was originally dx as receptive language delayed. This was total crap and I knew it, but it got us in the door for services.

Upon my instance, he was further evaluated and found to have sensory integration disorder (SID). As we've gone through his therapy (he's been in for a year now) and I have learned more, I have started to see so many of my issues are SID issues, and NOT OCD.

Then another interesting thing happened to me. I was having issues with falling asleep while driving. And not because it was late and I was really tired, it was some weird thing where my eyes would just start rolling back into my head and I couldn't control it. My doctor suspected narcolepsy and gave me Adderall to combat it until I could get in to a neurologist. Well let me tell you, taking Adderall made me feel more normal that I ever have in my whole life -- it was unreal how calm, balanced and just plain NORMAL I felt.

I knew Adderall was an ADHD medication, so I started looking at the signs/symptoms of ADHD and like with SID, I was seeing that was ME. I was finding answers to my behavior and issues, finally!

Then I started wondering about AS in regards to my son (and I am still on the fence whether I think he has it. His OT does not think so). The more I read, the more I was seeing myself. Strange symptoms that I had written off in my life as my quirks or oddities all fit one profile and it all adds up to AS.

I asked an old college roommate of mine what she thought, as she teaches special ed, and she lived with me for two years (both times she moved out on me, too). She said no, because I am social. I started to doubt myself.

But even though she said no, more and more things come up and I realize I am NOT normal by any stretch and I really do fit the AS profile.

Some of the things that make me believe I have AS (based on online symptom lists I've found):

Not pick up on social cues and may lack inborn social skills, such as being able to read others' body language, start or maintain a conversation, and take turns talking. -- I have a lot of trouble talking on the phone. I am always talking on top of the other person, where we both start and stop at the same time, and then do the, "No, it's ok, you go" thing over and over. It's maddening!

Dislike any changes in routines. -- Don't get me started on this one. Oy vey.

Avoid eye contact or stare at others. -- For a long time, I've had issue when talking to others. In conversation, I find I am not looking at them (I tend to look at the floor). I think they must think I am odd, so I make eye contact, and then have to look away again. This goes on and on and soon I am worried they think I am a freak because I can't focus on anything and am looking all over the place!

Be preoccupied with only one or few interests, which he or she may be very knowledgeable about. -- Uh, yeah. I have been considered an "expert" by friends in many, many subjects, and know way too much about very odd things. To the point where I can't function at work because I spend all day researching and reading about said topics.

Talk a lot, usually about a favorite subject. One-sided conversations are common. Internal thoughts are often verbalized. -- Yep, yep, and yep. Complete with telling myself to shut up (out loud!) when I realize I am rambling and have lost track of what I was even talking about.

Have heightened sensitivity and become overstimulated by loud noises, lights, or strong tastes or textures. -- Yes. Noise makes me want to scream and tear my hair out. I can't have the TV on in one room while someone has the radio on in another. My kids singing, playing or even taling too loud or too much makes me intensely aggravated. I wear sunglasses on overcast days because the light hurts my eyes. Eating has been a nightmare for me since I was a child -- I don't like ANYTHING.

Others not on that little list I found are things like high intelligence, trouble telling time on an analog clock, directional retardation (seriously, I still get lost in my own town and I've lived here 10 years!), obsessed with following rules (don't ever try to play a board game with me), etc. And the big one that really convinced me that I do, in fact, has Asperger's is smiling at inappropriate times. Recently, a friend was telling me a horrific story of her father beating her to the brink of unconsciousness when she was a child, and I was sitting there, in horror, but smiling like a goon and unable to stop! It happens all the time when I am trying to verbally discipline my daughter -- I am angry with her behavior and try to reprimand her, but I am smiling! And just the other night, my son hurt himself and as my husband was describing the awful wound he got... I was smiling! All these times I am thinking, "This isn't anything to smile about! What is WRONG with me?!"

So, all of that said... I did find a doctor locally who can probably diagnose me. I want a diagnosis, though I suspect I do have pretty clear AS. However, I can't afford to see said doctor any time soon, so I am looking for opinions of experienced persons to see fi I seem to be on the right track, or have just developed a newfound obsession to become an expert on.

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Hello Stressed Out, Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Don't put too much stock in the criteria you listed, it is notorious for being too general! Definitely get someone professional to check it all out.

Do you still take the ADHD meds? Does it alleviate AS symptoms as well, cause I didn't think there was a med out there that could do that.

Welcome to WP!

I'm glad you wrote this because I have a friend who has to pull over to sleep all of the time. She thought it might be narcolepsy too, but maybe she needs to try adderall. I smile inappropriately, too, but I didn't know that was a symptom. I was working with this lady who was telling me that she lost a lot of money in the stock market and I kind of smirked, and she looked at me like I was crazy. I felt bad, like what kind of person am I to be amused by this? I thought I was just weird..... Anyway, I hope you find the answers you're looking for....

Well, now I feel more frustrated. If I can't count on the symptoms I read online to figure myself on, and I can't afford a professional, then how am I supposed to get help and figure out what is going on with me? There was a post in the women's forum for symptoms of AS in women, and almost all of those applied to me, too. How are all these self-diagnosers self-diagnosing if you can't put stock in what's available out there as far as symptom lists??

hush6: I was only given a 30 day supply of the Adderall, which I stretched out over about 3 months but never got any more. It's a strong drug, so I was hesitant to take it often. But I would if I was getting really, really stressed out by everything and feeling "on edge". I haven't had it in months. I don't know that it alleviated AS symptoms, but it did make me feel a lot better. More relaxed, less bothered by sensory things.

FaithHopeCheese: Adderall is prescribed for both for ADHD and Narcolepsy. It helped me on both fronts immensely. I could just take it if I was driving and got too tired, and it would kick in pretty quickly.

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, StressedOut.

I don't think you should worry too much about the diagnosis. It shouldn't define you.

But I *want* a name for whatever is wrong with me. I don't want to just feel crazy all of the time, which is pretty much how I always feel. Maybe this isn't the right place for me. I feel so lost!

Hey Stressed, and welcome to Wrong Planet.

The thing is that...well, if you can't get a professional diagnosis, then there really is no way to know for certain whether or not you have it. You can spend hours reading and rereading the symptoms and fretting over it and wondering, but it probably doesn't help you in the long run.

When my mom first showed me Asperger's, I spent weeks going over and over the information, convincing myself that I had it and then immediately changing my mind and back again. I was obsessive. It consumed every waking moment of my thoughts. Every time I did anything I thought--"Oh god, is that a symptom? Could that be construed as this? Or maybe I'm overreacting?" I'd run myself into the ground before long, worrying about it.

Faith has a good point--the diagnosis shouldn't define you. Whether or not you have it, you are still you, quirks and skills and all. And, besides that, Asperger's is not something that you can be diagnosed with and cured. Even knowing that you have AS doesn't mean that you can take some medication and be "normal". You will always have it, and probably always display the traits to some degree.

What getting a diagnosis does it let you know where the symptoms come from, and then you can try to change your situation that way--working on social anxiety, spending time figuring out cues, practicing conversation and NT way of thought and behavior so that you can mesh in and get along with others a little better.

And hey--you can do that yourself without a diagnosis! If you identify with the traits and can work on the things you consider faults, it doesn't matter if you can claim AS or not.

At least, that's how I see things. It may be different for other people. Don't hurt me if I'm wrong.

Anyway, I think you should still stick around at least for a while, because if you share the traits that most Aspies have, you will be able to find a sort of support and understanding from this community, I think, even if you aren't certain. Being with like-minded people is a bit of a relief. And if you want a sympathetic ear when it comes to the "I don't know if I'm an aspie or not arg!" thing, then my inbox is always open.

Also, I do hope you find a way to bring some peace to your mind. Depression is a nasty place to be in.

To WrongPlanet!! !