Wives of Aspie husbands

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Please share your experiences, questions, concerns or comments. I am new to this site and have recently found out my husband of 23 years has aspergers. I have done a lot of reading up and visiting other websites, but I need help to understand this complex reality from someone who is also living it. And I desperately need someone else to talk to who is going through the same thing. Thank you in advance for your response.

There is a person on here called something like "wifeofaspie" she's pretty cool and she gets it.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welkome to WP

Mick

My (Aspie) husband and I were only married for 5 years when we figured out (after trauma and drama) that he is "Aspergian." And that was only a few months ago that we figured it out (after we already separated...but we are not getting divorced...we are working things out). He's 38 years old...and spent his whole life feeling that others were different from him (he has very strong self-esteem, so he did not frame it as he was different from others). He developed many coping mechanisms which actually made him a perfect husband...because he was always trying to be perfect...because he fears anger or disappointment from others. Finally, he had a breakdown and all this stuff came crashing to the surface.

At first, it was very hard for me to accept because I was blissfully happy in our marriage and I thought he was too. So, I didn't know how to make sense of our history together. Was it real or just some fake fantasy? Eventually, I've come to let go of trying to label that. He didn't know he was 'coping' and nor did I.

You might find this thread helpful:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt158606.html

After a lot of reading, it is easy to see now that he has many typical Aspie traits. Many of these little quirks were apparent and even cute before. What turned out to be problematic is that he did not know that he was "ok"...that he was wired differently than NT's and that's why he couldn't figure out/understand some things about people. Also, he did not know that he NEEDED I mean really needed and needs to have his own space...as in, his own apartment. There is something about this totally private space that allows him to recharge. It's been several months now...he is finally coming out of his protective 'shell.' He understands himself and what he needs better...and so do I.

As for my needs, I've kind of put them on the back burner for the time being. But I think we're coming to the point where we can start re-negotiating our marriage in a way that we can both be happy. But this is going to require getting outside the box of what society says a marriage is supposed to look like and be like.

Don't know if this is helpful. I'm sure your situation is different than mine. But at least know that you are not alone

If anyone here mentions "Cassandra Syndrome", ignore them because they're spouting BS. Better yet, refer them to me so I can "take care" of them.

That said, welcome to WP, hope you find your answers here. If not, well that doesn't mean you can't stick around. We don't bite... much.

welcome to WP

Welcome.