Another new guy

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Hi, I'm new, I've been lurking for a little while but decided to finally take the plunge and join the community.

I'm a 25 year old single man/boy/infant hybrid living in north-western Vermont. I haven't been diagnosed with anything but I know that I'm on the spectrum somewhere. Some of my other family members are also probably on the spectrum but don't know it, and I have no idea whether I should tell them, or how. I first learned out AS/autism about 10 months ago when I read a newspaper article which mentioned strong food preferences/aversions as an AS trait and I said to myself "well, that sounds familier..." That night I went online and found myself saying that same thing over and over again.

I spent a year at college in 2000/2001, but dropped out because I absolutely hated the place, people, overall environment, and I had fallen into a deep pit of depression. I then spent the next year and a half on anti-depressant medication which helped me insomuch as it showed me that there are worse things than being depressed all the time. Okay, I'm kind-of joking, but I'm really not. I experienced almost nothing but side effects from the drugs, and some of those side effects have never gone away. It scares me a little bit to imagine what kind of a permenant effect they might have had on my brain. But anyway....

After dropping out of school I've been working a menial job which I've held fot the last four and a half years. This is as much of a curse as it is a blessing. Though I've got a stable source of income the job itself is stressful and annoying, and I'm too afraid to look for another job so I hold onto this one as if for dear life.

My main interests/perseverations at the moment are photography, computer art/3D animation, cars (specifically Volkswagens), and collecting metal things.

So, that's a little bit about me. Yay me!

Hi! I am Ghosthunter and I extend a welcome to Wrongplanet to you as well!



Love that title! Can you explain it???????



What labrat diagnoses have you been asked to spin around
about you? To better understand the question..............

You are the labrat, the other person is the DSM IV prescriber!



Hmmmmmm? Sometimes one in the dark is better?

Think the movie "the Matirix" when morpheus had his
doubts about releasing a encaged NEO at such a
set-in-his ways age!

This may not apply to you, but a point of view.



I was outed by my employer. He was a kind soul and very flexible
with me.



Hmmmmm? Here is where I am going to pry open your casket and
ask you to reveal it's contents if you chose to do so!

1)...Describe your ages 2-6 and what delays did you have
in these developing years that may have led to a disfunctional
connecting process later in life?

2)...Describe your ages 12-17. These are your social or non-social
developing years?

3)...What were your weaknesses pertaining to school and college?

4)...Describe your parents?

5)...Were they supportive or non-supportive of your ? STrAngeNess????
or (insert descriptive word)?



Hmmmmm? Please elaborate?



What were the side effects you experienced in the varying diagnosed
or mis-diagnosed prescription?

[/quote]
After dropping out of school I've been working a menial job which I've held fot the last four and a half years. This is as much of a curse as it is a blessing. Though I've got a stable source of income the job itself is stressful and annoying, and I'm too afraid to look for another job so I hold onto this one as if for dear life. [/quote]

What kind of work do you do? what kind of work would you like to do?



Hmmmmmm? One last thought for now! "Lygophile" is a cool name.
what inspired it! It is original!

Sincerely, your ectoplasmic writer
ghosthunter

http://www.wrongplanet.net/asperger.htm ... ht=#185856

This is the video link for my videos I released here on this site!
Since you seem to show a interest in computer graphics, they
Might??? interest you?????

Sincerely,
ghosthunter

Thank you.


Well, it refers to the fact that legally I'm an adult and in some respects I have the maturity of an adult, but oftentimes I feel more like a child or a teenager inside, and at other times when the world is particularly overwhelming I feel more infantile and helpless than anything.


Well, what I was refering to originally was that I don't know whether I would be considered (by someone else) as AS or HFA, or possibly neither. It seems that the difference between AS and HFA is a pretty subjective one, based mostly on the interpretation of the person doing the evaluation. Beyond that I know that I am at least somewhat face-blind, and I don't know what other conditions one could use to explain my various other peculiarities but I'm sure that someone going through the DSM carefully could, rightly or wrongly, diagnose me as many other things as well.


This is exactly my concern. My father is almost certainly an aspie or somewhere on the spectrum, but at 58 I don't know how willing he would be to accept it. And if he was unable to accept it about himself, would he accept my own AS, or my step-brother's (I'm 100% he's an aspie)?


Well, at that age I would only have been aware of any developmental delays if they had been noticed and remarked upon by the adults in my life, but growing up in a family of eccentrics meant that my own eccentricities went largely unnoticed (at least as far as I know), so I'm not really sure what other delays might have been present. I do know that I spoke for the first time at a very early age, the story is that one day at dinner my mother was asking me if I wanted more of some food item and I responded clearly and forcefully "No, thank, you!", but then I shut up and wouldn't speak again for at least 6 months after that. And also it's interesting to note that in my earliest memories I can't remember anyone actually speaking, I know that they were communicating things to me and I know logically that they must have been speaking, but I have no memory of it. As to how any of this might have led to a dysfunctional connecting process later in life, your guess is as good as mine.



These years could best be described as almost total social isolation. By about age 13 I had given up trying to fit in and just accepted my place as an outcast, and I began to carve out my own little niche where my feelings of self-worth were fueled by my interests rather than by some social pecking-order. And ironically when I Was 14 I actually became popular for a short time, but I never noticed. Well, okay, I noticed something but it was so unfamilier I didn't know what was going on or what to do. Around that time I started to get interested in computer graphics and things of that nature. Initially I started by modifying the game Doom and others like it, making my own levels, graphics, etc. This eventually led to my interest in 3D animation which was an all-encompassing passion/obsession until I got to college and my spirit was crushed.


I never fit in well with the normal school environment, the "you sit like robots, memorize and regurgitate useless facts, until we say you can leave" mentality. I've known for a long time that if there is something that I'm interested in I can learn all about it, on my own and in my own way, but if I'm not interested in a subject or assignment then it's like torture for me to do it. I had hoped when I went to college that it would be different, but it wasn't, and then I started to get really depressed about the prospect of spending ANOTHER 4 years in that kind of environment.


Father: Probably an aspie, jovial, talkative (to a fault), eccentric, intelligent, yet hard to know on a personal level. Before I knew anything about AS I come to see him as something of an emotional brick wall; few, if any, emotions penetrate that wall in either direction.

Mother: Anal-retentive swiss semi-butch lesbian. Probably not on the spectrum, but I can see a couple AS type traits in her.


Usually they were either supportive, or at least tollerant, but I wish sometimes they had done more to encourage me. Like I said before, growing up in a family of eccentrics meant that my own STrAngeNess often went unnoticed, or was seen as being withing the margins of normal development.


See below.


I started off on Prozac, and later Wellbutrin was added to try and counteract some of the side effects fo the Prozac. You gotta love THAT! Prescribing another med to counteract the first without stopping to consider whether I should have been on Prozac at all if it was giving me such side effects.
From the Prozac I experienced:
1. A general loss of emotion: I've never been too good at displaying my emotions, but while on Prozac I didn't even feel them myself! I often felt very sedated, smoothed over, as if I was incapable of really feeling anything. So technically I wasn't really depressed anymore, but I wasn't feeling much of anything else either.

2. Hallucinations/visual disturbances:
a. I would sometimes see movement out of the corner of my eye, turn to look, and there's nothing there.

b. Sometimes I would just see things (not movement) out of the corner of my eye, turn to look and see that it was totally different than what I thought I had seen. For example, while driving, a car would pass me and I'd think that its liscense plate said something (a vanity plate), but then I'd look more closely and see that it was just a random combination of letters/numbers. Or sometimes things would seem to just pop into view, something that might have been there all along, but suddenly it would seem to demand my attention.

c. I began to see halos or auras around bright (or dark) objects, really any place where there was a lot of contrast. This effect has never really gone away

d. Impossible shadows. This one is hard to describe, but imagine seeing a framed picture on a white wall, under indirect lighting (so that there are no REAL shadows), but then the picture appears to cast a shadow in one direction along the wall, as if the tonal values of the picture have been shifted to the side. Does that make sense? Probably not. This has never gone away either.

e. Extreme wide-angle vision, as if I could see everything in front of me clearly with no peripheral vision.

f. Patterns (especially repetetive patterns, like a bunch of things lined up) would appear to jump out at me, not literally, but they appeared almost highlighted in my vision. This has never gone away either.

g. Very strong after-images, if I look at something bright it causes a very strong, long lasting after-image, especially bright lights when my eyes are adapted to the dark. In some cases it can take up to a couple minutes for these after-images to fade. This may be related to, or the cause of the impossible shadows I described above. This effect has never gone away.

3. Detachment/disassociation: This would often occur along with the extreme wide-angle vision, but sometimes seperately. I would feel as if I was standing inside my own head looking out of my eyes as if they were two TV screens in a dark room. This was sometimes also accompanied by a sense of total understanding, as if I could see everything in the world exactly as it was, without judgement or preconceptions. Every once in a while I still get that effect, but it's rare.

4. Paranioa: One time I became convinced that every molecule of everything around me contained a hidden microphone. While I knew it was completely bizaar and unrealistic, I couldn't shake this feeling. It only happened once, but it really frightened me.

5. Panic attacks: I had never (to my knowledge) experienced a panic attack until I started taking Prozac. And I haven't experienced one since I stopped taking the medication.

From the Wellbutrin I was only aware of one unique side effect, but it was a doozy. I began to get random muscle twitches, really quite often, and sometimes disturbingly strong. This effect has also never gone away, though it has decreased a little bit in severity.


Right now, I drive a truck (not a really big one, only 10,000 lbs). I deliver car parts. I really don't know what I'd like to do, that's a big question I'm trying to answer for myself right now.


Lygophilia is a love of the dark, so a lygophile would be someone who loves the dark. I found the word in Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words. I thought it was a cool word, and also somewhat descriptive of me since I am a night person.

Thanks, that's some good stuff there. I especially like the Gypsy video. I just wish it was higher resolution/less compressed, it get's a little hard to tell what you're looking at sometimes. Bit of a Harry Potter fan are you?

I have to admit I have some trouble picking up on the emotional cues from the videos, but I think that's more of a breakdown on my end. I usually can't connect very well emotionally to a movie/video unless it's presented in a heavy-handed beat-you-over-the-head fashion like in a Ron Howard movie.

Hi! lygiphil

I am glad you took to the time to explain yourself. I hope you
enjoy you stay here. What are you expecting from this site?

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter