Guess I should stop lurking

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I;m Mick, an artist and an Aspie. I've never admitted this to anyone, not even my family. When I was in school, a school counselor suggested it to my father and said I should be in special ed. He went ballistic both on her and on me. She was never allowed to tell anyone and neither was I. From that point on, I was the "ret*d" and beat regularly, always under threat of being shot because he "wasn't going to have no ret*d as a son". This made me bury who I am. 2 psychologists since then have also said I have Aspergers and the mention of it made me recoil with the flashbacks. I'm 48 years old and had problems all my life due to this. Making friends, keeping friends, being around people, too much going on around me freaks me out. I hit myself a lot repetedly in the head and much more that I see you all deal with. I'm so tired of trying to pretend to be normal and hiding from people so they don't find out or figure it out. They just think I'm a total weirdo and being an artist helps in that area. I live in the dark because light bothers me, wearing normal clothes like jeans and shoes feel strange on my skin so I wear pj's and socks all the time.
The psycologists suggested I join a support group many times but the flashbacks kept me in total denial. These beatings were very severe and very memorable. Talking of it now is bringing them back and the hurt of being so disposable to my father and friends throught my life.
I've been reading a lot here since I stumbled upon this site and finally feel like there may be some people who can understand and this feels good. I live alone with my dog, don't go out much at all. I live in a tiny town where everyone is related (except me) where I made a huge mistake in buying a house. I thought maybe a small town might be a little more accepting of someone like me but in reality, it's quite the opposite so I've created my own little world in my house. I was married once but it didn't work out..I was disposable to her as well.

I should stop now, talking of all this is painful. I want so bad to be understood but feel like a total alien.

Mick

Welcome to WP!

Thank you Tim

Hi Mick. I'm sorry to hear how you've suffered. Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Thanks Moog. I'm so glad to find this site and see there are others who feel like I do. The site's name is so right on the mark.

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Hi Rebel. Thanks

Didn't mean to come off as a whiner up there ^^, just had something trigger some bad memories. It was the post about friends bailing out that I'd replied to.

Mick

Welcome to WP. I hope that through this site you can finally find some peace and lay some demons to rest.

Having a place to talk about things with people who deal with similar things really does help. It's very freeing.

Thanks Brennan

To WrongPlanet!! !

Just about everything you have been through I have been through. Click my blog button
to read some my biographical details. You will find more survivor stories in the Dino-
Aspie Ex-Cafe for those of us 40 and over.

Hi Richie.

I checked out your blog. There were many times I wished they would take me away when I was a kid. The dog was treated far better. I've looked into the Dino-aspie thread...weeeeeeeeeeeell doggie!! ! That's a lot to read..but I'll do it a little at a time. I'm just glad there are some Dino-aspies here. Seems like most people here are much younger (not putting younger folks down, I think, look and act more like you then the people my age from what I'm told)

Hello Mick, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Hey Mick - welcome to WP. Good job on signing up and coming to talk - it sounds very brave considering your experiences. I hope you are able to find what you need here.

Hello Mick, welcome to wrongplanet...

Thats right, you shall stop lurking and start posting...
anyways, hope you enjoy it here and make you are welcome anytime..


superboyian

Don't worry about lurking I did it myself before I started posting to some what scout it out.

I like the name you chose.