New-hopeful through tears

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Hi,
Not sure what to say. Me without words that is a first.

I'm not sure if my husband has aspergers, I googled it today in hopes of finding something that made some sense.
It seems to fit. Not sure what to do now. Not sure if he will agree.

I'm hopeful, have faith that helps a bit, but right now it is hard, and sometimes it is confusing and others frightening.
I see that in our 11 years of marriage I have adjusted to things.
Anyone out there?

I don't know if this is the place to say what I notice that are my flags for this wife diagnosis. Not sure if there is anything I can do. Not sure if my marriage will survive this. But I am hopeful.

am I alone?

Welcome to WP from a fellow Houstonian!

Sock him with these. If he "passes" then suggest he go for a diagnosis and send him here to his family.

The tests, in order of length

DSM criteria: http://iautistic.com/test_AS.php
Taken directly from the diagnostic manual used by professionals, this is the rawest “test” and cannot really be self-evaluated. It is best if a trained professional determines this after a period of observation and interviews. However, it is always good to know what they are working from. This one page form is of the type "if you have X amount of A and Y amount of B then CONGRATS! You're an Aspie!"

Simon Baron-Cohen AQ test: http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/9.12/aqtest.html
This test is only for the individual themselves to take. They should answer as honestly as possible as (with any test) it is possible to skew the results if one is after a particular solution. Of course, this is the quintessential issue with self-evaluation.

The (somewhat controversial) Rdos test: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php
User rdos has developed this test and put it on his website. It is the longest of the three by far, but includes a nice graph. While rdos’ focus is his research and determining a link between present day humans, autism, and Neanderthals, the test is quite popular among many here and does appear to have a high hit rate. Please note that this is disputed by some who feel the test is bunk and supported by others who think the test is the be-all end-all of definitive tests.

Hello Hopeful, I wish you and your husband the best. Hang in there and take care. See you in the forum.

Taupey

Welcome to the Wrong Planet community, hopeful_in_Houston.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

Well I'm definitely an Aspie and my first wife was an NT like you id did not end well relatively speaking as I had no idea I was an Aspie. Even if he was diagnosed with the condition that does not change him. Are you willing to deal with his quirks because it is probably impossible for him to change unless he tries to, even then he is still an Aspie. However as you do get older you tend to better socially. However hope you solve it between yourselves, my second wife has CAPD which mimics Aspergers somewhat and we get along better than my Ex.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello Hopeful_in_Houston, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Thanks for all of your support.
Is there a place in Houston or is there a person in Houston who can help someone with adult asperger. Perhpas a group for couples?

any other couples out there? Can marriages survive this? Is there a support forum for spouses?

Some things I have noticed over the years.

When talking we must be several feet apart, NEVER touching. Which was real hard for me at first as touching seemed to ground me. If we have had an argument touching him can cause him pain.

Looking back our fights and arguments come when I express an unmet emotional need of my own. This sends him off . Several times he has told me I should not ask him to go this extra distance, It would be like asking him to go to get mail if he had no legs...???? I guess I understand this now. If my diagnosis of him is true.

When I ask for an unmet emotional need I'm often responded to with "why are you doing this to me?"

He is very, very intelligent and his work takes a tremendous amount of focus and time.It is detailed oriented exact artistic work which he loves. I have no problem with this as I have a lot of outside interests, project, etc of my own.

He dislikes parties and social gatherings and I will often find when we give a party he retreats to a quiet space alone, He is getting better at this though. It seems like he really wants to be social and have friends, it is just very hard for him.

Can't stand small chat, says he really doesn't care about anyone else.

When making his point, he talks, and talks and talks and talks, I can't seem to say anything if I do it sets him off. WE seem to talk about the same things, same issues even if i feel they are resolved—they never are. He is estranged from his mother and really wants little to do with family at all. His father is ill and so he is moving beyond this for his sake.

Hates when people are moving around the house while he is watching tv. Can't really stand to be in the room with other people. Seems annoyed. Many times at parties or family gatherings, even if he wants to go, his body language says, "I'm bored, don't approach me."

Everything must be picked up and tidy. The things must be done in order and the way he likes them to be done, dogs fed at certain time everyday etc. ( I do have my own office which I keep the way I like and a door that I keep shut.) I don't mind keeping things as neat as possible. I feel it is a way to show him love.

How I ever got together with this man I will never understand. I need touch. If it were not for the cat and dogs I would be in a nuthouse. I can go days without ever being touched by my husband.

If I go away I don't ask him if he is missed me. He says it would take him a very, very long time. I don't take this personally I just know it is how he is. I don't think it is a reflection on me.

He is stuck on verbatim. Can't seem to get past that. If I mention what was said or done without using the exact words that had been used he gets stuck on the exact words and can't get to the context of the conversation.

Says he would like friends but has none. Does it sound like perhaps this is aspergers? I know you are not doctors, just trying to get a feel for if I am headed in the correct direction.



He is an incredible man and I would love to stay married to him.

Its difficult for me to say what you should do specifically. First of all, if you love him, he isnt a different person now than he was before, if you could get through the past 11 years, chances are the next 11 years wont be terribly different. So as your marriage has survived it can still survive.

As far as helping someone with "adult asperger's", you may know or not know yet, AS is something one has for life, autistic children all become autistic adults, they may have adjusted in various ways and learned adaptive skills and may even be pretty good at it, but they are still autistic. No matter what therapy you go through or no matter which ways your husband tries to change or adapt for your sake, he will always be autistic (this is of course assuming he does have AS).

What I would suggest you do, is you explain in a detailed letter about how you feel (as this will probably be taken more smoothly than a verbal confrontation), and what you think you guys need to do to address your relationship issues. Don't make it about blaming him on all of his short comings, write it in a way that pins no blame on anyone. Make sure to emphasize you care about him and still want him in your life which is why you are writing the letter in the first place. Ask in this letter if he would be willing to see a psychologist with you to work out the issues. You can suggest AS as a possibility once emotions have settled down. I just dont think its a good idea to hand him two emotionally difficult things to process at once.

TOGG13 Thanks. I think he may even suspect this for himself. I am sure i heard him say it once or twice in passing. But we have never talked about it. The difficulties are trying, but as I said he is a great man.

The dynamics are the point. There are dynamics in any relationship and if it is aspergers it will shed a light on those dynamics. He works hard at the relationship, but we just keep hitting walls, maybe aspergers answers some of those questions.

I think I'll try to find a good time to bring it up. A letter is out of the question as he doesn't read long emails or letters.

Sure wish there was a place for spouses on this forum.

O...M...G

Your husband sounds exactly like me in so many ways!

I like a proper amount of space between myself and other people wen talking. It is so, so annoying to have somebody standing up on me like that, but then they get offended when you say something. I'm not the touchy-feely type at all.

So many times, I want to say, "BACK up...BACK UP!"

Small talk: HATE it. Especially when strangers try it. Only a few times in life when it worked, but only because the other person found a common denominator between us and kept up the conversation. But then, that person was usually also "off" in some sort of way.

Parties and social gatherings have me acting just like your husband. Only in recent years since I started playing cards have I been able to do social gatherings. Still, wedding receptions and other gatherings where people are expected to make small talk cause me to withdraw to my own space or leave altogether.

I hate people moving around the living space, period. I rather like the idea of living alone - though not to the exclusion of company coming over occasionally. And I do generally hate being in the same room with others in the home. My most peaceful moments are when I'm alone with my thoughts. I don't have to have the distraction of the computer or TV or even music. I can just be alone...and loving it!

It has been previously brought to my attention that I have a problem with eye contact. People looking directly at me when talking or vice versa is usually annoying. But there are times when it's necessary.

What this means is that it's difficult for me to be in a "relationship" with the opposite sex (or even the same sex as people sometimes assume simply because I don't have a GF/wife). Consequently, I have no interest in a relationship - which co-workers seem to find odd. Everybody else just knows that's how I am wired; some even warn against me getting into a relationship. However, people at work allow themselves to be unduly influenced by this and it has interfered with career moves.

I just don't want you to feel like you are unique in your situation. Whether or not there's hope for your husband will depend upon him and his willingness.

Wish you well.

I have no idea whether your husband has AS.

However, you have to understand that even men without AS have some of the traits you describe. Women often expect more emotional attachment from their husbands than they are able to provide. We're wired differently, and to expect that every emotional need that you have can be fulfilled in your husband is an unrealistic expectation.

Just my 2 cents.

Welcome to the right side of the wrong planet.