Hi, Yes, since I am posting in this forum, I am indeed new here.
A couple of days ago, my wife and I were watching that new show "Parenthood" and the storyline of the child with AS came up. My wife does a search on it and starts blinking. She started reading off the symptoms and I ended up stopping what I was doing (not always easy when I get focused, go figure) and we ended up in a 36 hour frenzy of research and discussion. AS explains a lot of my childhood and the trials of my marriage. My marriage isn't bad, in fact it is wonderful, but our problems are not the normal problems and all fit into AS/non-AS marriages.
Background:
I hated my childhood and teenage years, but then again who loved it. I found out later in life a lot of people enjoyed that time in hindsight. I have spent the last year taking care of a GBM4 brain tumor parent and watching her die by inches and I would relive this last year before I would relive any year before I was in my mid 20s.
I remember not understanding why people got upset when I asked questions that seemed logical to ask. Other kids would be sharing a joke and I thought I was being made fun of, and it turns out it had nothing to do with me, but that was discovered after some awkward social situation where I challenged them on this. I have a sibling that I always thought was making fun of me and I never grew close to, and avoided anything he did with the parents and withdrew to my books. I was always the center of attention because I was smarter then most people around me even years older then me. I started out enjoying this attention, then realized I was excluded from social groups for being arrogant. I ended up ignoring school then and just read the text books and never did the homework to get passing grades. To be honest, after I got into the routine of just reading the text books, I missed everything the teacher said and would not even hear the homework assignment. This got me in a loop where I could score higher then anyone on the test but would pass a class with a C or D. Most teachers were insulted by this and I got insulted back that they taught such easy material and if I can learn it in 15 minutes it wasn't worth my time to do the homework anyway. This was just a defensive excuse since, looking back, I don't think I could focus on the homework anyway, it bored me. I was labeled ADD and handed a bottle of pills that I was on and off for years till my 20s.
I hung out with the other black sheep (most of who are very successful now and most of the popular kids from high school work dead end jobs, go figure) and played games based on rules. I memorized all the rules to what ever role playing game I was playing at the time and could cite rule and page number of the book it came from. I withdrew from the real world playing these games (and actually learned a lot of social interaction from the others I played with in hindsight.)
I was a mamma's boy and my mother died when I was 12. I escaped to the church she was so involved in. I tried to learn the rules of the faith and never quite fit in since I didn't understand how you can break some rules, but not others. This lasted into my 20s when I finally became an atheist. I still keep in touch with some of the youth group people, but I never quite fit in there.
I hit rock bottom in college and was tired of hating my life. I said to heck with it all and said I was going to try something new. I was tired of being afraid, so I started training Karate. What a fit!! They are based on routine, I get to do the same movements and memorize them and do them all the time, Kata is a wonder drug for AS and it is responsible for allowing me to do something routine that is socially acceptable that calms me and makes me feel confidant too. Having a haven to go to a few times a week where everything is done the same way every time gave me a place to center and kind of recharge from the world. I still turn to this when I get stressed out.
My relationships with women started in college and that was awkward too. I didn't understand how to communicate or understand why trivial games of words were important. Things ended ... poorly a few times and I turned to dating women that were more messed up then I was, yea, learn from me, that is not the best move that rabbit hole went down a long way. I came to the realization that I got heart broken because I would tell a girl I loved her too soon, or not at all, there didn't seem to be a correct method to the ritual. I finally turned to the one thing that never let me down, learning. I studied body language, communication and became a psych major to learn about human interaction. Social psychology allowed me to learn how to mimic what people want to hear and see to a degree (I still get in trouble with the whole inapproprate comments and questions thing). I had a friend that I strongly suspect is AS as well and we never understood how emotional people and women worked. We turned the world into our lab and would agree to act a specific way to some people and another way to others and see the results. We applied and reproduced the results with other people. He learned that touching a womans arm lightly in a conversation (for just a half a second, longer was just wierd) would make her smile, I tried it and it worked for me too. We learned little things like this over about 2 years, even odd things like driving on the right side of a lane with a car behind us, then swapping to the left side of the lane and seeing if the trailing car altered its path to follow directly behind us.
I used these lessons, and lessons I would read about romantic relationships and even books and videos on sex to try to figure out how to act to fit in. There are minors on this board, so I will not go into details, but there are times where my partner would giggle or laugh and I thought she was laughing at me. Talk about awkward moments when I got upset of offended!
My friend graduated and went into the military (very rules based and a place where following routine is rewarded greatly) and I ended up with a degree in Finance and a job selling financial products.
I failed, miserably. I could not for the life of me sell something to someone I didn't know. I didn't know how to start the conversation, or close the deal when I knew what I was selling was crap. I quit before I was fired and went back to school for Computer Science, I never wanted to work with people on a social basis for a living again.
I spent more years in college, and it was great to just deal with logic and rules. I actually graduated with a high grade point average and ended up working in defense contracting. I work with software for government clients and have a security clearance. I tried to get into federal law enforcement (I like systems with rules, and that one was enforcing rules, how great!) but I could not pass the fitness test (clumsly all my life, three years of intense training couldn't overcome 3 decades of the video game player).
After all the failed relationships, I met a woman who had been cheated on and lied to and found my brutal honesty and faithfullness refreshing (well most of the time). We have been married 3 years now and it is the only person in the world I can be totally open too.
I should be happy, I have a great life, a partner that loves me, a job that pays very well, and routines like running or karate at night to keep me healthy. I have a really nice house, great pets and I have learned to mimic or fake what others want so I can actually fit in with most social settings. I do monoplize conversations and go on way to long and only notice after I should have shut up 5 minutes ago (kind of like how long this post is). I snap at my wife if my routine gets messed up, or if she mentions food before I go work out (adding on weight and trying to lose it can't coexist in my head at the same time). I can't stand the light touch of my wife when she is trying to be intimate, and she loves leaving the blinds open for the sun to wake her up in the morning, while the light feels like a punch to the brain to me. Typical married things to work through, but not so typical. I had to memorize to go down and help her with taking the bags out of the car when she goes to the store after she got mad at me for not realizing it was expected. I learn new rules to adapt to what I have done to frustrate her, adapt and overcome.
I bury the frustration and try to adapt, but what I have isn't enough. I set goals for my career and try to achieve them. When I get into that mindset, I will sacrifice anything and everything to achieve that goal. I have burned relationships to cinders "I am getting this degree, I have to get this project done, you are replaceable, deal with it or get out of my way" Is not the thing to say to a girlfriend alas, who knew she would burst into tears and then it was really awkward, oops.
I shall remain anonomous, I knew how much the label of ADHD affected my life as a kid. I have a security clearance and am trying for a higher one. I know AS shouldn't affect that, but the people doing the investigations are human and have human bias. I am still trying to get jobs that carry huge responsibilities and risk, they will be doing psychological exams and while I know how to appear normal to pretty much anyone no matter how good they are, AS might fail me when it comes to the job I really want now. The risk of human bias to AS does not warrent me giving my real name.
I come here to learn what parts of my personality are due to the genes I was born with that define AS, and what are typical human experience. Learning what is AS and how to deal with it will prevent misunderstanings with my wife and help me understand why some co-workers just can't get along with me. (yes I have to hold back more often when I rattle off a list of why an idea is ... less then ideal, some people take facts personal, I am still learning and adapting)
I am very high functioning but almost all is learned behavior. I may be able to contribute to discussions to help others with what I have learned to make life easier, if they desire. I was not high functioning when I was 16 for sure, or 21 for that matter. My learned behavior allows me to read people with skill that I have never seen in anyone else. I always try to figure out everyones viewpoint and motivation and predict response. When I get an unexpected response, I try to understand why I was wrong. I have applied this to the macro level of complex issues of international relations and policy planning. Normally when I am wrong about predicted outcome it is due to missing some key information. It is all math to me, parameters, multipliers, shades of gray. When the actions and the words don't equate, I toss out the words and only look at the actions.
In short, I feel like a robot looking at the world in the language of logic and math. People are far more simple then they think and I gain pleasure at being right. (I demand a kiss from my wife as payment when we disagree and I am proven right) This also means 90% of the world thinks I am either a genius, or a total jerk.
enough rambling,
Hi Folks!
18 Mar 2010, 8:09 pm
