Quite Troublesome

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Hello, I'm Kelpie. I'm almost 21, female. I live in the United States. I like computers, psychology, science in general, bugs, rocks, nature in general, and many more other things. I have 3 cats.

Ever since I was 14, I have felt that I have always been different from everyone. It seemed more and more apparent to me over the years, and I always voiced my opinion. However, autism has such a horrible stigma on it, that people think I'm too smart to have anything wrong with me. I feel insulted that I have been denied the right to help, when I undoubtedly needed it. Which I really, really, really do. I feel extremely unbalanced, and have noticed this the most since I was 17.

When I was 6, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Ritalin made me black out for a week, Adderal didn't do anything.
When I was 9, I moved. I made new friends at this place, but something told me I wasn't liked. Something told me something was wrong. But I didn't know what?
When I was 11, a lot of drama between my parents unfolded. I ended up moving far, far away from my mother. Then far far away from my father. I felt okay about it, but for some reason, I still felt really uneasy about everything during this time. Everything nearly made me cry. It seemed like everyone was out to hurt me.
When I was put on medication for bipolar and ADHD at the age of 14, I felt the most unbalanced. Quite moody, unable to speak for myself. I used actions to describe my feelings, not words. I would poke people with pencils, because I was trying to be funny. But it was irritating to them, and I never got the message. I got the message at age 15, and became extremely silent.

I was pretty much drove into a depression, because I didn't know what was wrong with me. And why? The fear of the unknown, because the unknown is too much to bare. I feel frustrated, because my physical health is not at it's best right now, so I can't even do what I want to do in life right now. Heck, I failed to get through life the way I wanted to entirely, all my life.

But I pushed and struggled to figure out what was wrong with me both physically and mentally. I knew there were only two descriptors needed to describe what I feel.

The problem with this though, is that Psychology became an obsession. Health became an obsession. I obsessed to see all of this, and then it also became another obsession to help find an answer to my problems so I can be successful. I was tired of being a follower. I want to do something that I want to do, and have been since I was 8.

Reading upon many websites, I skimmed through to see the diagnoses doctors had made on me, as well as others that were related to them, since they would have similar symptoms. I wanted a 100% fitting, and I couldn't figure out this until last year. So I read about Bipolar, ODD, OCD, Deep depression, Depression, ADHD, ADD, Hypoglycemia, Hypothyroidism, Hyperglycemia, PTSD, Reactive Hypoglycemia, and many more I can't think of sadly. I thought about reading about Autism many times. So many times, that it strikes as odd. I have read it once in a skimming and summarizing, but I did not want to think that I would EVER have such a thing. I ignored it many times. I would relentlessly ignore it and look at EVERYTHING else. But then, I decided, why not look, I mean I'm confident I have hypothyroidism and Reactive Hypoglycemia. That I am just going to be normal again and live a nice comfortable, easy life. That there is no way that any of these stories these people have are going to be ANYTHING like mine. Aspergers and ADHD fit me 100% at my worst, and when I can control it (It happens sometimes, but not all the time) it can be 30% with brilliance.

I had a friend who had aspergers, and he and I had the easiest conversations. I didn't realize it at first, because I had thought that I had made easy conversation with everyone. But then people started acting weird: They were angry at me. I didn't understand why. I had to figure out why. I talk about my obsessions a lot, and I feel like it's really hard for me to make conversation with people. I usually bring up pitiful conversations (e.g. weather, traffic, same interests that are not really expressed interests, etc.) unless it's an interest I'm into. However, because of my physical health, I sometimes can not keep up with this. So I choose what I can keep up with. It is pitiful.

I was naive to ever be public about my thoughts about my health though. I feel I am right now doing so on this forum, but I think I will be fine. I have been called a hypochondriac, a person with Munchhausen, Someone who has it all in their head, etc., etc. I would give them the facts, endlessly, needlessly, and I would continue to tell them these things, even though it hurt me more and more. Since they would tell me that I meant this for harm to myself. I think that I'm misunderstood on that concept. I am not like other people who allow mistakes to last long. I wouldn't have let myself never look at aspergers.

Since I have a fetish in psychology, I have intensely studied people since I was young. I believe 9 was when I started. I would stare at people, and then people would ask me why I was looking at them. But I wasn't looking at them to intimidate them. I didn't understand this for a very, very long time. I did this until I was 17. However, I make a lot of mistakes. I think most of the time, I have the facts about what reaction does what, so I can cope with my problem of not seeing it, but I think it's a luck of the draw if I ever access that information during the time it happens in person.

I'm quite sensitive to all my senses. I have never been to a concert before, except for school concerts. I really hated being apart of the show in my school's concert whenever I did. It was too many people, too many noises, too many words, too many everything. I was extremely overwhelmed and always lost my voice.

I feel uncomfortable making phone calls to people that I don't know. This even includes family. Quite weird.

I was so anxious about driving because there are too many possibilities and my head swarms when I look at a driver. I get overwhelmed completely by the amount of information I take in by looking at one driver. It's hard to stop the flood. I have wrecked twice because of this. I haven't driven in nearly 2 years.

here's one people usually don't know: I've sucked my thumb ALL THE TIME except in public (outside of house) until I got braces when I was 13.

And I wondered if I was wrong, because I keep being wrong. Maybe I'm wrong about everything I know. Maybe I'm wrong about myself? I hate when this happens, because I can't stop the train. WOO! WOOO! incoming! So to speak. When people start doubting me, I start doubting myself, and I make it hard for myself this way. And sometimes I don't even realize it until it's too late. Like now.


I guess I'm a little sensitive about my past. I have lost a lot of time. I have tried to learn a lot of things, but my physical health didn't help me, and my parents didn't know what to do and they BOTH don't like going to doctors! lol My mom took me to a lot of doctors, because the meds weren't working. None of it ever worked. I actually had a gran maul back when I was 5. I mention this because it seems peculiar to have something so young and only once in a life time. I wonder if this has something to do with all of this?!?!?!

I have been hurt a lot, so I imagine I will have a longer road than expected to recovery. The worst part is, is that I need to get a few things before I go to a doctor. I want them to finalize this and find out what's wrong with my digestive system. I know that now it could be from the adderall and streterra I was on. It could also be from my hypoglycemia and thyroid, I think. And then, it could be gluten intolerance. Or some other intolerance.

I hope to find people I can finally talk to. I'm exhausted, tired, and sad. But at the same time, I'm absolutely in the mood for kicking butt. I have to provide myself self-advocacy if I want to get anywhere in this life.

The hardest part about this isn't the post I made, it's pressing the submit button. Something about this makes me uneasy.

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Welcome to WP!

Hello Kelpie, welcome,

Wow, that was a lengthy post. I actually enjoyed reading it. Well if the ADHD drugs didn't work for you then it is possible you have AS. The two conditions are so similar but if you only have AS then the meds won't work.
I have spent a long time trying to figure out what was wrong with me. At first I thought dyslexia, then Iren's syndrome, social anxiety, avoidant personality, bi polar, Asperger's, HFA, PMDD, ADHD, etc. I was right about a few of those.
So I don't think you're a hypochondriac. Many of us here just want to know why we have some symptoms that don't quite fit AS.

Anyway, welcome to WP.

Thanks guys.


Though that's quite the wall of text I made, I actually missed out on a few things that got lost in translation (I thought about what to post before I posted it)... Though now I can't quite remember what those were again.

Anyways, I like to IRC as well. I usually don't go to forums, but I am giving this a shot, because it might help to have people who can understand what the heck I'm saying sometimes. Cause I lose people quite quickly in conversations sometimes. lol

Glad to know that there were always others like myself who were looking for the solution to their own problems. I guess I really didn't expect that. I wonder what makes us so strong willed in figuring out our own 'disorders' of life.

Welcome to the WP neighborhood, Kelpie.

Welcome to WP!

Hello.

To WrongPlanet!! !