Hi im new to this, hoping for some answers

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Ive spent about 40 years trying cope and understand this AS.
Im still trying to figure it is me or is everyone using my disability as there escape gate.
Jobs, girlfriends and social activity is making me more of an recluse.

Welcome to WrongPlanet. Welcome to my time warp.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome, fellow-traveler skiskunk, to the Wrong Planet community.

Welcome to WP!

Hello skiskunk, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

that's the problem when i express myself or get excited about anything they just seem to turn the other way or just not listened to what said or what i want to do.

Communication difficulties?

It's a welcome thread... so welcome.



Difficult to answer that question. Is it possible to elaborate on your meaning?

Especially, have you _always_ felt this way? Were at one time you ever socially-inclined?

Is it recent, or a lifetime problem?? Social interaction with employment, dating and other social activities make you feel more like saying "Not tonight.... not this week... not this year... thanks (not)." Then being a recluse in one or two things that you enjoy, in the comfort of your own home sanctuary, where things are predictable and routine?


What is meant by "escape gate"?
Do you mean scapegoat? or that you feel victimized...?

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

yes i feel happier on my own with the things i enjoy in my comfort zone. e.g. think ide rather be without a GF as there are no arguments but with a GF she misinterprets what i say and thinks i said something else. i end up on my knees try to convince her what i really meant.

My siblings tend to not admit what they said wrong and make out it was me that got it wrong. so they dont admit there faults.

Aspergers female... and I can wake up in the morning, without somebody around to criticise... my comfort zone that I can do what I want to do... but it's 9 pm, and I'm looking at another lonely night... like its been 40 years. Is the trade-off really worth it? Recently, I've been blathering with a guy I met (in person thankfully) we're not in a committed relationship, but he's interested, and I'm culling the conversation down to
1) small talk
2) positive small talk
3) non-critical positive small talk
4) there's nothing to fear except fear itself.
5) fears / troubles are often the result of what we create in our mind (from past experiences) and self-fulfilling.

I'm hoping I have a better experience... a normal bf/gf relationship, just take things friendly and slow, if he's willing to... and not borrow trouble. That "this, that, the other" can go wrong, because it doesn't have to.

There's a 1001 ways something can be said, and Aspies (myself at least) do have a knack to think of all of them, especially the ones that can lead to confusion are normally first out of my mouth. The worst ( a result of negative thinking ) is considering all the ways that something can be taken, but concluding it means the worst thing 'cos some people have (nope, not imagination) badgered, bullied and tormented us somewhere in the past with the same thing. So it becomes habit, to presume the worst.
I have been working on that aspect of my personality. So many misunderstandings, so easy. When I see that I've genuinely misunderstood something and/or hurt feelings, I go out of my way to apologize.



That's where getting A.S. out in the open where the person understands what they're up against. Reassurance that sometimes things don't come out quite right.. There are some caring people out there that would welcome the challenge, especially if they've got a problem they're asking you to be willing to accept and forgive... because I'm almost certain that you've probably got a lot to offer in a relationship. All in all, in the end, the isolation of Aspergers is hell, and I can tell you that from experience. I abandoned dating 2000-2009... and it was more than any human being should suffer. That's in combination of the decade before that spent primarily in isolation -- except for two brief-lived, broken marriages.
Nobody told me it was Aspergers going on. I only recognized the "curse" aspect, that "something" was destroying the ability to connect, and experience a meaningful loving relationship.



Shifting the blame. So very neurotypical, isn't it? because they're weak and imperfect and cannot bring themselves to admit it. The tendency is to take what people say literally, at face value (missing all that subtle stuff) and taking their literal word to heart... when your own brain is telling you "no, that's a lie". Does not compute will frustrate an Aspergers, into doing mental cartwheels in attempts to rationalize the line of logic when there isn't any except good old fashioned bald faced LYING.

When you have been in a relationship have you at some point wished or dream of the quiet moment to yourself. Eg, when you felt carm. Loved the surroundings as it made you feel comfortable on your own and left to your own devises.

I suppose its like….. if my mam describes me as an extravert with in an introvert does that me in we like to be with someone but rather be on our own.

If you had to scale it from 1 to 10. 10 being the highest, at what scale would you like to be with someone and from 1 to 10 at number you rather be on your own.

(I hope im not offending)




where you happy having the own time doing things you like to do. do you prefer to occupy your mind and hate being bored.





quite a lot of times if i have been to a function or family gathering and i over herd something and i was so adamant that it was a criticism against me. i would then confront the person in question who i herd spoke. then all knowledge of the conversation did not happing and therefore i am scorned for make such an accusation. no matter how i know what i herd and know they are lying i then question myself have i divided myself from the NT world. (hope that makes sense)

When I was younger, I would say that on a scale of 1-10 ... my desire to have a bf was an 11 or 12... but reality, when I faced real guys... the desire dropped to about a 3.5

I had one fiance I made the exception for because there was a dream of marriage being fulfilled, something / somebody tangible I could hold on to... he became the world, he became my obsessive interest, and he, couldn't deal with that.
He ended up cheating on me, physically abusive, saying terribly cruel things.

With my heart torn out, and spoon fed to me, and physically sick with anxiety, I finally mustered the strength to leave him. He even came back, threatening to hurt himself if I didn't come back to him. I was cold and told him, "Do what you want. You always do what you want." and walked away leaving him to his immature temper tantrum.

I never loved like that since. The warm, trusting innocent feelings. I guess that was all part of growing up.

Today... grown and mature, and looking back on 40 years alone, wondering if I'll ever find true love, I'd say the desire between scale of 1-10 is still somewhere around an "8" but around real men is somewhere around a "5" and extremely distrustful, cold, and yes... tendency to focus on myself, instead of catering to their desires to socialize; nightclubs, bars, restaurants and other "social functions," works like a charm in driving them away.

God's will. Whatever happens, happens.



I began cultivating my ability to do amazing things when I reached about age 19... ended up in the media with relatively little effort. I was bored. I learned quickly, I had the ability to do _anything_ I set my mind to. But even that grows boring after awhile. Earlier I complained that I live in the Bible Belt, which is the breadbasket of human ignorance in the U.S. so I wasn't channelling my interests where they needed to be focused (education) and fretting over relationships... the loneliness was driving me berzerk. So it lead to some destructive activities. I was a kid, but not allowed to grow up a normal childhood. My parents were not fond of my quirky behavior, and gave me an extra hard time, i.e., demanded I pay room and board (under the age of 18, yes, illegal), and I was not even given the choice of whether or not I could stay in school. Forced into working a 40 hour work week, because my parents disliked me just that much. My mom has spent her life discouraging human relationships / friendships. My A.S. has a tendency of compelling me to speak the truth against hypocrites, ahhhhh, those "demons" of Autism (which I mentioned in an earlier post that lead to an Autistic boy being suffocated to death by a preacher during exorcism) -- and she is a religious fundamentalist, and yes, come to think of it, as a teenager I put rock and roll posters of David Lee Roth and Van Halen and Ozzy Osbourne on my wall, I was looking for an escape from the isolation and her nagging, and I came home one day, to find my posters burned, and they called their preacher to come perform an "exorcism".
Well, at first I (um, my demon) said I weren't talking to the preacher, but halfway into the conversation, since the preacher was affable enough, I decided I'd discuss, and mentioned that why is it, they would deprive me of cigarettes, when my Dad was a baptised member and hiding his smoking habit from the church.
I was let go, but the preacher asked my Dad to stay and talk. Turned out, no demon was cast out that day, but my Dad was disfellowshipped.
I felt so badly for my Dad that day. I think he was acting more under the influence of my neurotypical mother's nagging, and controlling, than actually what he himself thought or felt ... in fact, sometimes I wonder if my Dad was Aspergers. He was a workaholic and didn't have much of a social life, beyond his technical interests (communications, electronics) he excelled at his career, and was a very quiet man, a sober man of few words, We didn't have a close relationship, so we never set down and discussed what was going on in my life.

I guess, I felt that gaping "missing connection" with my Dad, and that somehow, some way, came out in a negative way, when it came to connecting with the male gender in general. My Dad passed away, and I really miss him... I think some times he was Aspergers, because he wasn't much for socializing and he had so few words. All he did was work, work, work, he never let us down, he always provided, he was always the responsible one, always the thinker and problem solver and never complained. We never set down and "talked" with Dad ... like a friend. Since he passed away, I have regretted so many times, that I never made the effort.

So I guess I wanted a male companion (on a scale 1-10... at least 11 or 12)... but you can't miss what you've never had.

Maybe I've said too much. I don't like the evils that come with religion (as mentioned above), although I believe in God, and have faith... though often I can fully relate to the criticisms, and rightfully so in some things, of Atheists and Agnostics. Religion can destroy the lives of the people it claims to "love".



You're not imagining things.
They know you very well I think.
They recognize your gullible, nieve, literal Aspie tendency... and if they just deny they said it, and how you perceived it (you weren't misunderstanding), but they *literally denied it* therefore, you're suppose to take it at face value... minimize the vicious and malicious intent of their neurotypicality.

Don't buy into it. You're not a fool. Aspergers people aren't that unaware of subtle attitudes and snide remarks.

They don't like your Aspie quirks and traits... its on them to "Get Over It" and either they accept you like you are, or, hey, you don't need their opinion. (At least that's how I handle these nasties in my own immediate family... and I don't consider myself to be close to any of my siblings). The only person in my family I ever had true respect for, would be my Dad, and the one I felt closest to, was his mother.. My Grandmom.
There's just nobody else that matters that much in the bunch and I know they're gossipping about me. I don't hurt anyone... yet I'm fully aware they're gossiping and lying behind my back. My daughter came home yesterday, with another ear-load.

I suppose we could move from here. That might could make things better... just move, and start over with a new life.

Hi ski and welcome to WP.

Society takes the view of "young and beautiful." If you're young or beautiful or don't have a "brain difference" or anything else, you're accepted into society just fine. If you're not any of those things, you don't belong. Although there's employment laws prohibiting discrimination against people due to ADA and labor laws, it still happens. One of the biggest challenges for those with AS is interviewing for a company. Then being able to maintain employment.

However, when it comes to dating and relationships, it's not a good idea at first to tell someone you have AS. I did that on a first date, about six months after being diagnosed with AS. It was a fun date until the end, then I forgot to kiss her and ended up going into my apartment without saying "I had a great time." I laugh at it now, but didn't back then. I've read "Mars and Venus On A Date" by John Gray (as well as "Starting Over") and am part of its online relationship forum (although it does not have anything related to AS). However, I started a thread on there called "Disabilities and the Stages" and have shared with others there about my living with AS and AD/HD. I've received some very good advice from others there with regard to dating and relationships.

I refuse to use AS or AD/HD as an excuse when it comes to dating and relationships. So what if a woman's not interested in me. Big deal. If a woman can't accept me as I am totally, she has no business getting to know me exclusively. Period, case closed.

As for social activity, depends where you live. If you live in a small town, could present challenges if you don't have access to transportation. If you live in a mid-sized to larger-sized city, there could be things out there for you. You might want to see if there's your municipal government has a Therapeutic Recreation program. Also, check your yellow pages and call around to a couple of social service organizations. Perhaps one of them could lead you in the right direction. Also, if your town/city has a college or university, might want to call the school's counseling center to see what they might be able to recommend. I don't use having AS and AD/HD as any excuse from being part of social activities. I am very involved in my city, as well as socially involved. I like to have my "down time" from time to time. One recommend I would give to anyone is to google MeetUp for different kinds of groups which meet in a community. Check it out sometime. I recommend MeetUp highly!

I understand that all people are different. But in the end, it's up to people to determine how they want to live their lives.

That’s what exactly what I did I didn’t tell her I had AS as I was envoy of NTs who seem to have bags of patta (means the gift of the gag. Know how to talk to women)
So only way I found to get around this (and this includes other things that where challenging) was to be some one else. I should not use the word PRETEND because a NT has already accused me of doing this wrong as I should have told my present GF from the start. But what do NT want us to do, live I full life suffering like small dogs because the big dogs get the meat and will not share with the rest of the pack.






to continue to slander the NT who had a go at me, doesn’t all NTs use make up, new clothes, shoes, a smile, small talk perfume and aftershave. All this is not the real them and therefore arnt NT lying about themselves. Why not be your real self. Now im sounding hyporcritcal.





all this I have done. For the past year since I was made redundant just when I got back to work from long term sick. The welfare meeting was not carried out as they said and they failed to access back to work for me therefore I was first to go out. I have been use allsorts of resources and council, government based disability help. All seem to just look through as if there reading of a script and do not want to help me. I seem to passed from pillar to post. They are willing to people coming to the UK but not the fellow tax payer or past payer. It seems I have to do everything myself but im banging my head on the wall as its two steps back and not forward.

1. Define real man???? If you 8 but a real man 5 ?????

2. Tendency to focus on myself, instead of catering to their desires to socialize; nightclubs, bars, restaurants and other "social functions,"
I feel so much better now you said that. I thought…. it was me. Well at the mo when my GF ask me to go to these things I feel reluctant to go not that I don’t want to go but I find these things accward and confusing because they are not focusing on me because I cant focus on them. I’d rather be at home in my own routine and left to my own devise that keep my brain ticking. I find it boring to stand there and listen to some one who is trying to make themselves more popular. It is not of interest to me that he or she has done this cause when I speacks you don’t pay attention to what I say and besides your looking the other way because you just haven’t listen to me. Also I only pretended to listen to he or she because the conversation in far corner of the room was more attuned to my brain plus I have to block out that stupid music to. So ill nod my head and pretend to understand what he or she is saying.

So when I say no to her. An argument stars. No matter how many times I try to explain it does not help.



I was sent to Sunday school when I was young. I did take it on board and approached it in a methodical way. I very much an analyzer of things and I analyse and research religion. At first my approach was humorous as in e.g life of brain (Monty pythons flying circus) and rewrote the bible in humour and funny contents.
But then I took by an logic approach and decide to move from christen to Buddhism as it made more sence. All other religens belive in one true same thing but they fight over it. When ever there is a struggle and there are no answers we look to god.
If we can not help ourselves and rely on someone else is that being bone idle and weak when we should find solutions our selves.



that’s why I need answer. I carnt decide what to do next it’s the biggest step. Do I do it so I feel happy within myself or I don’t do it and live the rest feeling unhappy. But if they like marriage you have to work at it. Yes I will but will she ????