Noob and Self-diagnosis

Post Reply New Topic

Hello peoples,

Nice to meet you all. I've seen that you guys are very helpful and sincere, and I'd love to get to know you. I've been on a self-diagnostic binge after a nasty depression a while back, and I'm starting to get things straightened out, going to a shrink and all. I'd appreciate any advice you guys have. Here is my self diagnosis:

Results in daily life:
Inability to work
Inability to form and maintain relationships
Unhappiness
Future relationships likely to involve abuse

Childhood stuffs:
No significant language delay reported upon superficial inquisition of my mother
Relatively higher introversion noticeable around 18 months
I experienced my mothers's borderline characteristics as traumatizing and unforgiving when i am black and unnaccepting when i am white
My father often criticized my behavior, resulting in emotional trauma.
Some minor bullying that i always took personally and hated myself for
Never had more than a couple of friends that I didn't get very close to
No physical or sexual abuse, though.

Avoidant:
I spend as much time alone as possible
When people reject me at all I become very depressed.
Talking to friends is stressful.
I believe that I am a horrible person.
I tend to believe that people's kindness is dishonest.
I spend most of my time daydreaming or reading without conscious purpose.

Borderline:
I tend to become very clingy in every relationship
I irrationally tend to want to switch majors or schools or countries, often switching between believing that they are wonderful and horrible
Whenever I say goodbye to someone, I feel empty and want to cry.
Inappropriate emotional closeness with aquaintances
Tendancy to impulsively abuse drugs
Contemplation of suicide
Mild self-injury (hitting, picking skin, attempts at burning and cutting)
Unstable mood, from suicidal to cheerful on successive days with no cause
However, I have no significant traumatic memories.
Occasional successful interactions temporarily elevate my mood
Tendancy to believe that everything strangers say to each other is expressing that they hate me

Dependent:
I believe I will end up on the streets, jobless and friendless, and lose all my health without my parents or someone taking care of me.
I am afraid that I will be gotten rid of by my parents, so I do everything I can to stay on good terms with them.
Whenever I go away from home or socialize, I tend to attach myself to someone I trust and let them make decisions.
I used to ask about every little thing I did, but eventually realized this annoyed them.

OCPD:
Paralyzing perfectionism
I don't spend money unless I have to.
I end up late because I have to perfect my work, and then I give up and don't even turn it in.
I feel that errors absolutely must be corrected before anyone else sees my work, regardless of how it is judged.
With long-term tasks, the smallest failure makes me give up on the whole thing.

Mild schizo-something phobias as a child
atomic bomb
demons
monsters in my room in the dark
people attacking home
chemtrails
believing ridiculous political theory junk
medical disorders like cancer
insects in body
I think it was aggravated by television, lack of understanding of the world, anxiety, vision problems, and lack of social interaction.
It's probably not very bad now, and I've never had an actual hallucination or an unarguable delusion.

Aspergers:
Deficit of social skills
Obsessions
changing every year or so
usually a few coexisting
never stop thinking about them
disappear when anti-idealized
examples: origami, music composition, psychology, martial arts, grammar,
Monotonous voice
Inappropriate volume
Very few friends for entire life
I am confused by people's gestures (e.g. accidentally leaving people hanging or not knowing who they are waving at, on many occasions)
I do things the same way over and over again(food, clothes, schedules, speech...)
Difficulty understanding speech occasionally, when it is clear that others expected me to understand
Others have reported that I have an accent(unexplainably) and walk oddly.
Difficulty remembering names
Clumsiness has been lessened through martial arts
Socially inappropriate behavior has been lessened through social anxiety

Dysthymia:
Most always not happy
Occasional periods of nasty unhappiness
I hate myself.
Weird sleeping, like sometimes I sleep every other day, some days I sleep through exams despite an alarm, other days I'm normal.
Usually I don't care about anything, I don't decide to do anything, asking myself why I should even breathe
When I live at home, I overeat constantly.
I often just stop, unless others are in my presence
impulses to writhe and scream(suppressed)
crying every day
No really happy impulsive manic periods, as far as I can recall
However, my mood varies strangely every day.

Preferential paraphilias:
underage
nonconsentual
severe mutilation
death
I have never acted on these except by looking at drawings.

Wow... what a cocktail of things you've chosen.

Might require reading several times, to really sink in there.... what you're saying, wow.

Can't say most of that applies here, so I don't fully relate. I'm just straight up Aspergers with a combination of some post-traumatic stress (thanks to a meany of an ex-husband). In fact, when people leave me and my children alone, we're "stable" and "calm"... No depressions.. everything is routine... and not "dull" either, because we have our special interests, be it video games, reading, photography, art, etc etc etc.... to occupy our minds.
Occasionally a genuinely "nice" "kind" person touches our lives... they're okay too.. but a lot of people end up creating unwanted, unnecessary friction, trying to "fix" our lives, when we're not "broken" -- they end up causing Aspies more harm than good.

Welcome

Hello hrmpk, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome, fellow-traveler hrmpk, to the Wrong Planet community.

Things that are not related to Aspergers (from my p.o.v.) marked in red.
Things that are Asperger-like (in my view) marked in black or with explanation marked in black. In the gray area... maybe, or the exception makes the rule.

Results in daily life:
Inability to work

Many Aspies are well-adjusted, successful people. Most Aspies are bright, intelligent, educated (even experts and specialists) people and would like to have the kind of employment that accomodates their need for a career that doesn't have an overbearing boss hanging over the shoulder around the clock, and surrounded by annoying coworkers who prey on the Aspie...

Inability to form and maintain relationships

Aspies *can* form a relationship, but would normally have one close friend at a time if/when they do... not the center of the spotlight, or in a popularity contest. Many live in isolation, but the desire to form a real relationship, is very real to most Aspies and when the opportunity arises, Carpe diem!

Unhappiness

Not when Aspies are left alone, and people stop trying to "fix" our lives. I could be left to my interests with minimal human interference for five or ten years, and not become "depressed" at all. It's not even depression, its anxiety... dealing with annoying NT's who try to barge into your life and routine and turning everything upside down, to "fix" your life so you're "happy" like they are, and live for petty goals and small-talk. We seek understanding, and acceptance. When people back off, and show acceptance for who I am, like I am is when I'm the happiest and most productive.

Future relationships likely to involve abuse

Relationships that are abusive? Perhaps one, maybe two... once bitten twice shy. In fact, Aspies are not stupid, though often underestimated and will put 2+2 together through an alternate means (we may not read subtle cues and body language but by George, necessity is the mother of invention. We learn alternate methods to survive. Once hurt, and seeing people do lie... as illogical as that is, How do you judge a person? Well, a good start is the obvious: their actions, which speak much louder than words. You can put together inconsistencies, abusive logic, = LIES together, and that's when the **** hits the fan, and the NT walks in pale as a ghost, "How did you know?".
Because we're not stupid. We tend to be logical and analytical. We remember.... everything you say and it will be used against you.
When an Aspie is dealing with emotions (which are often unpredictable and subject to abrupt changes) -- it toys with the Aspies sense of routine, order, logic and ... can result in meltdown. We, I, do not like dealing with mentally unstable people. I like to know what I'm up against, 2 or 3 days in advance with people. In other words, if an acquaintance says "I'd like to get together this week." Oh... that's an acquaintance and they're not really serious. But if a close personal friend says the same thing, I take it literal.... if it doesn't happen, I'm liable to perceive them as "incapable of keeping their word." -- Aspies are rigid and unflexible in their thinking ... and unforgiving in that regard, and well, its something I'm trying to overcome and be more forgiving of NT's flaws. When you say you will do something I literally expect you to do it... if you are my "friend". If I can trust you? If I respect you? I take you at your literal word.
my children are the same way... if they change my son's routine at school... he gets upset and has a meltdown.
The teacher reassured me, this is normal for Aspergers children. The school warns him in advance of any changes in routine, and has a backup plan that allows him alternatives to a meltdown... a type of refuge in his school environment if he feels stressed (i.e., people doing absurd illogical things) he can leave to get away from the nonsense / loud noise / chaos.

They're just learning how to accomodate an Aspie, and that's first, by themselves getting their **** in order, by not doing illogical, absurd things.

Childhood stuffs:
No significant language delay reported upon superficial inquisition of my mother
Many Aspies suffer from developmental delays..

Relatively higher introversion noticeable around 18 months

**Perhaps more noticeable inappropriate social behaviors, which equate to lacking the filters normal children would.

I experienced my mothers's borderline characteristics as traumatizing and unforgiving when i am black and unnaccepting when i am white

What do you mean by "black" and "white"???

My father often criticized my behavior, resulting in emotional trauma.
Some minor bullying that i always took personally and hated myself for

My father and mother would say things, criticizing my differences... and that was very hurtful, and I took it deeply, sensitive... of course, I wanted their approval.

The bullying I remember, wasn't "minor". I resigned myself to isolation on the edge of the schoolyard, because everyone was so unfriendly and unaccepting. I wanted "small" conversations that concentrated on "that's a nice drawing" and kindness from people as I tried to be kind... but kids had their insecurities and felt the need to prove their position on the totem pole and the one that wasn't playing their game was the sensitive Aspie... myself. I had limited contact with people, because of their absurdity and lack of a gentler, intellectual capacity... I felt more comfortable around adults who seemed to exhibit a certain amount of logic and not needing to be cruel to prove their self-worth. a wild animal proves its self-worth by spreading its red fans (lizard brains) or a pack of wild dogs (by bearing their canines) to provoke conflicts. Is this intelligence? Not at all.. I wanted to get as far away from the lack of intelligence as I could humanly distance myself. There was one rare occasion where a young school-mate and I were playing with cars around a tree trunk, and a run-of the mill schoolyard bully began kicking dirt on us. I had entanglements with him in the past on 2 or 3 occasions. I had enough. I stood up and wrang his collar, and told him he was going to the principal, I began dragging him to the office and he was screaming and squealing for me to please let him go, but I was so angry that he couldn't resist.... I was that determined, he was promising like the fear of God was struck into him that he would "never" bother me again. "Please...."

Hmmm, I let him go. He never bothered me from that day forward. I've got a bad temper, but typically, I think in logical terms behind the anger. If somebody really REALLY annoys me, I might start talking to them in terms that are just as illogical, absurd, and ... nutflake as I perceive them to be. But that's only the rare NT that was ever asking for a good taste of their own medicine.

The example I gave recently of my mother who refuses the Aspergers diagnosis which came from the autism specialist. She refuses to believe. She continues to ABSURDLY explain every quirk and symptom by some other thing... like my refusal to do as she tells me to do.
I find it humorous, the thought of hiring a catering company to deliver a "birthday cake" to her church (I can see her smiling face and the community hypocrites in the cafeteria of the church) and out pops a nude guy "Happy Birthday!"
(I can see the scowling frown on her face).
Ooops ma, it was my aspergers and my inability to distinguish appropriate from inappropriate social behaviors.
Until the truth, the facts, are DRILLED IN nice and tight to her skull, and ends the conflict that is forced on my life by her constant nagging ridicule, because she refuses to be logical... I want to be validated by her, even in my 40's... every person wants the approval of their parents, but she begrudges me that. She refuses to accept the truth, provided to her courtesy of an autism specialist... she's a typical NT and doesn't have a life, beyond trying to play dictator and telling people how to live their lives. To accept the Autism diagnosis would let me off the hook, and she knows that. I know she knows that, and she can't get beyond her annoying god complex.

Never had more than a couple of friends that I didn't get very close to

Did not get close to? Or couldn't help but to get close to?

Aspies can get very close to people who share mutual interests, or "down to earth" in terms of accepting the Aspie on their terms, not trying to change us.

No physical or sexual abuse, though

Aspies are trusting of people, taking them literally at their word... not perceiving dangers in people. Aspies tend to be victims of crimes, rather than the perpetrators of it. And though I've never read statistics, but if not protected could easily become victims of sexual assault. This is where the Autism (literal thinking, nievity, trust comes in at, tendency to be bullied)...



Avoidant:
I spend as much time alone as possible

I spend as much time pursuing my interests, which give me a lot of happiness. I speak to those people whom I find fascinating or of some personal interest, and the few who have earned my trust and respect. Most of my "friends" (or better, acquaintances) are online.

When people reject me at all I become very depressed.

I realize how illogical and absurd people are, so such opinions seldom bother me.

Talking to friends is stressful.

Not stressful to me... if they are truly my friends. In fact, that's where the faux pas for Aspies comes in at. "Inappropriate" social cues / behavior... the Aspies lacks those barriers/filters and will often be "too open" ... cause offense... lose friends, and not realize what they have done wrong. The Aspie does not intend to be offensive, but could not see the subtle things they do or say, that inflicted offense on the NT's

I believe that I am a horrible person.

I use to have that fear, because some NT's who preyed on me, tried to turn their crime around and pinned the guilt on their victim (logical fallacy). Once I figured that out, which took many years, I forgave myself and put the blame back on my victimizers. I was exonerated (by myself), my victimizer committed suicide and the rest backed off when I threatened to press charges "to the maximum extent, allowable by law" for slander and libel.

I tend to believe that people's kindness is dishonest.

I tend to feel people are innocent, until proven guilty.

I spend most of my time daydreaming or reading without conscious purpose.

I don't relate to that.
Nearly everything else that was listed... I just don't relate to most of it.

What is your age? Are you a teenager?

An Aspergers person during their teenage years can have a very difficult, unbelievably *hellhole* level of frustration, and confusion if they do not have support, friendship or love from family and people who affect their lives.

As the Aspie becomes older, they are better able to sort out those issues (from experience) and symptoms decrease to a great extent.

Seriously, I'm stuck on this post.

You really, really need to discuss this stuff with a counselor and find out what's causing all this confusion you're feeling.



Stay away from that stuff. I hope its nothing extreme you've been using... I don't even touch the mild mind-altering junk like marijuana... much less some of the stuff that's floating around out there, like sniffing paint/glue ... I don't go there.

That stuff can burn your brain out. Before using anything, you should do a comprehension investigation on side effects. Some of the problems you're describing could be a side effect of drug use.



Are you doing something that's injurious to your health?? That's why I ask about the type of drugs you alluded to impulsively using.

Several things you describe ring of "paranoia" but you say you haven't had any traumatic experiences? That rules out post traumatic stress as the cause...

2 hypochondriac definition
Function: n
: an individual affected with hypochondria or hypochondriasis
<a person can be said to be a hypochondriac when his or her preoccupation with health or disease is so intense that it disrupts normal living habits —People
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/hypochondriac

Definition of Hypochondriac
Depression OVerview: What is Depression?
Bipolar Disorder: Do You Have Extreme Mood Shifts?

Hypochondriac: A person who has hypochondriasis, a disorder characterized by a preoccupation with body functions and the interpretation of normal body sensations (such as sweating) or minor abnormalities (such as minor aches and pains) as portending problems of major medical moment. Reassurance by physicians and others only serves to increase the hypochondriac's persistent anxiety about their health.

The hypochondrium is the anatomic area of the upper abdomen just below (Greek "hypo" meaning "below") the cartilage (Greek "chondros" meaning "cartilage") of the ribs. Hypochondriasis was thought by the ancients to be due to disturbed function of the spleen and other organs in the upper abdomen.
http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art ... ekey=18717

I guess that's enough... very little of what you're describing sounds like Aspergers, especially this:



How could "socially inappropriate behavior" be lessened through social anxiety?

AspieForty,

Thank you very much for your replies. As I see it, AS is a relatively small problem right now that contributed to a lot of other issues through its effect on all of my relationships, and yes, at times it was hell. I see clearly that I am quite different from a lot of aspies, borderlines, neurotypicals...well, everyone, though it isn't all different or bad.

I'm 19, in college studying music composition.

When I mentioned abuse, I meant that I would be the abuser. I have a lot of intense, negative emotions, and my mood fluctuates a lot. On the other hand, my dependent personality allows me to put up with a lot of abuse, so that could happen as well. AS seems only mildly related to abuse, more so for younger children.

My mom probably has borderline personality disorder. She tends to see people as either good or bad, never in between, because she felt abandoned as a child. When my mom thinks of me as being extremely bad, I feel like a horrible person, and the guilt I feel for whatever I did increases exponentially, whereas when she sees me as extremely good, I feel think she's lying and that she sees someone else instead of me, because I'm a horrible person.

I've only rarely been able to express emotions, in tears, talking to my mother, usually thinking that she doesn't really understand me.

I haven't been abused because my parents are strict Christians, I grew up in schools that didn't tolerate bullying, etc., I'm a big guy, and I stay at home most of the time

I don't abuse drugs because of the standards my parents enforced, but I see the tendancy in whatever I do have access to, eg food, sneaking a beer, painkillers...

The worst was when I took several doses of vicodin and a beer, after reading up.

How can I have socially inappropriate behavior if I hide from people and stress over every little motion I make?

I admit that I might be hypochondriac. I don't know. But I'm trying to be careful and logical.

Hello.....

Welcome to Wrong Planet. I am a AS and AD/HD hybrid. I hope you find what you need here.

What you have said seems to be contradictory, but it isn't if you're around abusive people and you describe your mother as being a tremendous emotional liability. Yes, you could be abusive and abused... coming out of that kind of environment.

Just curious.

Does your Mom have anything in common with the "Psycho Mom" in this video?

Aspie vs. Psycho Mom
A common life experience for people with Asperger's syndrome -- roughly half of all cases is tension with one's mother. This conversation uses several remarks made by my own (adoptive) mother to show what it feels like from our end.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyIf0zU1Dzg[/youtube]



How do you know she felt abandoned as a child? Those are the ones who learn to become street-wise and shrewd, and take control over their environment... they learn fast, and learn young. You're not describing a borderline personality. You are describing a woman who knows how to push your buttons, and can make a person jump when she says "jump" and do "Fruit De Loops" trying to rationalize the logic between all the guilt trips and emotional button-pushing and emotional string-pulling.
Don't be mistaken. This person sounds like a perfectly sane NT, who knows how to "play the game"... and you're reacting to it, just like they predicted you would.



Not good to binge on anything. Since you're in college, you're getting some breathing space from your domineering mother I hope.



Are you sure that some of this hysteria you're describing hasn't came from the "seeds of doubt" she's planted in your psyche?

THE BIG IF... you are Aspergers, combined with a mother who knows how to emotionally push buttons and control you emotionally... suffocating your sense of individuality... landing you into confusion and your life spiraling out of control...

At age 19 which you describe yourself, is far from the age I'm speaking of when you can look back and get a "bird's eye view" and putting your life in perspective. You've not even entered the age range when things get really out of control -- in your 20's and it seems you'll never get old. But you do, and the 20's is when a person is LEGAL to do the most damage to themselves. If I could pick a time to go back to... I'd rather be back around 30-35. Those were the best, most meaningful years. Young enough to have fun, old enough to command some respect and be taken fairly serious. I didn't start seeing through the "invisible trap" of Aspergers until I was at least in my mid 30's... I was recognizing the symptoms very clearly, and my son was being looked at, by that time for the condition.

After reading your reply, and comparing with your original post, it appears you pulled a list of symptoms off the web from somewhere... did some minor editing, and added your own notes in with those disorders. That was very confusing, as a reader.

For instance, listing one of the qualities you see in yourself as,

But then you clarify in regard to my question


Being around an emotionally control-freak of a mother who knows how to push buttons, controlling her brood like a Alpha Female on Steroids, can turn a person's nerves to brittle mush, 0 to ***** in nothing flat.



How about your father? Do you have a meaningful relationship with your Dad?

Actually, that's closer to my dad, but he insists that he is absolutely right every time and forces me to agree with his demands. that's where the dependent personality disorder comes from. I simply agree with everything he says and never correct him.

My mom really loves me a lot, but she simply can't control her emotions. She sacrificed a lot for me, more than is normal, including home schooling because I was failing because of my then unnoticed depression, paying for years of cello and piano lessons...i could make a huge list.

I think you're trying to see my mother as your own, but it just doesn't fit. I've seen her upset many times, and she really is not in control of her emotions, I am certain. I just wish I understood her sooner.

It often seems that borderlines are manipulative, but they are really using normal reactions to emotions that are out of control.

I know she felt abandoned because she told me. This is supported by the fact her mother died when she was a young child, and her earliest memory is her mother being taken out on a stretcher.

um...I really don't like saying this, but...you might have borderline personality disorder as well? Just a random guess. It's very good that your children are already in the mental health system. It safeguards against them becoming like me, maybemaybe.

In any case, a person who has had almost no friends for his entire life and is depressed to the point of contemplating suicide is not mentally healthy.

ah, sorry, literalism took over with that symptom. I really did write those symptoms manually and check them with my memories...

I don't have a relationship with my father except that he criticizes everything I do and controls my life a little and I submit. My brother got kicked out of the house and joined the army after he got in an argument with my dad.

edit:when i say, "i dont abuse drugs" i mean i dont smoke pot get drunk and shoot myself up with stuffs from a dealer

i was vague, sorry.

You know that's not mentally healthy, right?
You're 19, and old enough to stand up for your own beliefs.



I'll give you a little insight. My mother knows how to make me too, feel "guilt" for all she sacrificed. Tears pouring down her face, all she did for me... people in the community come to her rescue, as she's pouring tears... then turns around and unleashes a barrage of insults. The result is I'm left feeling "I owe her something". "I'm not good enough." "I can't do anything right." "Nothing I ever do will be good enough" to the point I had no life of my own.
That's the bottomline of emotional manipulation, and women see through it easier than men do I think. (Brain wiring differences in male vs. female). So you have "it coming" from both of your parents, and it doesn't sound like you're having a lot of fun... and maybe I'm wrong but I sense that your mother has burdened you with the feeling you are OBLIGATED TO HER, in that you listed:



Sounds like that's been projected on you.. the need to be a perfectionist. This is not uncommon...

Pitfalls of Perfectionism | Psychology Today
One reason: Pressure on children to achieve is rampant, because parents now seek much of their ... in their children's lives, they demand perfection from them in school. ... relentless frustration and doomed to anxiety and depression. ...
www.psychologytoday.com/node/41205



Nope... she's just a typical NT woman who knows how to manipulate the men in her life. Those kind of women are NOT in control of their emotions, but they sure are in control of yours. By NT, that's practically anyone, who isn't an Aspergers. They are aware of how they affect your emotions... they don't lack the ability to pick up on social cues, or the inability to socialize.



My mother's mother, died when she was the age of 13.



Did you just read what I read above. I sniffed your Mom out as VERY SIMILAR to my own. MY MOTHER'S MOTHER DIED AT AGE 13 FROM CANCER.

My mother felt "abandoned" (if you're going to call it that). She took over control over the household, all her younger siblings, and when her Dad remarried, she made it very clear to the new woman in the house, "This house isn't big enough for both of us." And moved out. All three women (she and her two sisters) turned out to be very successful business women.

So much for your RUDE HYPOTHESIS of a "mental condition" with "borderline personality".
I certainly do not. Neither does my shrewd, manipulative mother.
I was not attacking you, but your paranoia has gotten the best of your sensibilities.
And THANKS for clarifying my suspicions on your mangled original post. If you're going to participate on this forum, I suggest you learn some netiquette and remain polite with polite people or they're liable to reciprocate the rude, hateful tone.

Last edited by AspieForty on 04 May 2010, 8:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.

And when I was 10, 15, 20... I couldn't make heads or tails of it. I saw my mother VERY EMOTIONAL... she would go from HAPPY MOODS sometimes, socializing and scoring points in the community... and the neighbors coming from all around... and she was doing very well at business...
then the DARK MOODS... when things calmed down, she kept that VERY NEUROTYPICAL SOCIAL IMPRESSION up in public.. but behind closed doors, "oh boo hoo hoo... one day I'll be gone, and you'll be sorry..." ... I gave this and that for you... I carried you 9 months... oh boo hooooooooooooooooooo...

and she DEMANDED PERFECTION... and since I couldn't live up to her expectations, I hated myself.

I love her, but I GREW UP and realized it was the most evil form of emotional manipulation that ever walked the face of the earth.

My brother (who was probably Aspergers) at age 25, 35, and 45 would ask and ask again, "What kind of person tells you that nobody will love you like your parents... then turn around and call you stupid and other insults?"

He couldn't see through it (probably Aspergers and trying to make logic of it) he never awoke to the emotional manipulation he was under.

Today... when I see those "uncontrolled emotions"... I just *stuff it ma*.

Mom is not "borderline personality".... even though might be easily mistaken for one.

Men can not see through an emotionally manipulative mother... and my brother went to his grave Aspergering over the "borderline personality disorder" incapable of figuring her out.