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I'm 21. I have been diagnosed with NVLD, ADD and major depression. I also fit every symptom of antisocial personality disorder, but was never so diagnosed.

By now I think I may also have some dissociative disorder; oftentimes I feel as if I'm watching reality play out like a movie and I'm not really in control of my own body. I don't recognize myself in the mirror. It's a very awkward feeling.

The worst part of all this - if I could change one thing and leave everything else the same - I'm pretty sure I have some mood disorder or PTSD apart from my depression that causes my moods to fluctuate wildly. I often feel intense dysphoria, anxiety and emotional pain for no reason. Feels like I am trapped in my own mind and can't turn off the pain. Existence is painful.

Waking up in the morning sucks. When I wake up I immediately feel horrible, sad, worthless, the world is a terrible place (of course I know this is not true, but that really doesn't help. It reminds me a lot of coming down off ecstasy). Sometimes I gain consciousness just before I fully wake up, I feel relaxed and comfortable. Then I experience a "fear of waking up" and just want to go back to sleep. This makes it very difficult to get out of bed.

I am a really nice guy and would never wish harm on anyone. I have always tried to be kind and to help others. But somehow they never see it that way! On the other hand I do find it very hard to feel genuine empathy or guilt, or at least I experience it differently than others do.

My thoughts seem to go really fast, and not in words, just different concepts and memories and beliefs and feelings linking together. When I try to explain them in words, it never seems to come out right. I have heard other people on the spectrum describe the same thing.

I have great difficulty visualizing things in my head. The picture sort of appears, but it's murky and fades as soon as I try to add another part.

I also have huge difficulties with creativity. I'm very literal and I over-analyze things to the point of exhaustion. Those two things also mean I'm also very honest, I speak my mind freely and I find it hard to lie to people. I mean I can give a false yes or no, but I can't really tell false stories, at least not without it seeming very obvious that I'm lying.

I had an existential crisis at age 16. Getting kicked out of school had a lot to do with it, it gave me so much time to think unconventional thoughts and to reflect on what our universe and our society really are. I chose to start asking "why?" and not to stop. I tried to eliminate all my preconceptions and to teach myself to think differently. My existential crisis became my aspie obsession and now I cannot perceive the world outside of this framework.

If there's one thing I hate more than anything else, it's NTs condescending to me and trying to teach me social skills by force, because I "should" or "have to". NTs don't understand, I don't care about their judgements of me based on my non-verbal communication or antisocial speech or physical clumsiness or whatever. It's not that I fear rejection. I mean, sure, it's a little annoying, but by now I'm quite used to it, it's almost expected, to the point where I can actually make pretty impressive gains without worrying about embarrassing myself - I take the good and ignore the bad.

Of course they're basically right, and I should improve my social skills, not like I have any other option. But there's just something very unfair about being told you have to work extremely hard and suffer repeated failures and negative judgements (which by themselves, don't REALLY bother me) - in every social situation ever, for the rest of your life - when you don't genuinely care about in the first place. Oh well

That's it for now, but I will expand in greater detail later.

Welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, f23fh.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!!

Welcome

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my Kinkdom.

Hello f23fh, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Welcome, f23fh

To WrongPlanet!! !

hey